This is my last entry in this blog. This break up is over and I will start a new blog for my life beyond this relationship. It's kind of scary though that this blog is the largest one I have. My breakup was worse than my relationship, it seems. That may explain why I stuck it out far longer than I should have.

I do feel sad and angry at how she acted after she moved out. She lied about almost everything she told me. She said she wants to be friends but I feel that is impossible given how she could lie to me so easily and so often. This behavior is unacceptable from anyone. I won't be friends with someone who can lie to me so easily. And, of course, she's never apologized for any of this.

She burned any bridge that there might have been between us. Right to the ground! But I am sad. I really would have liked to be friends, eventually.

I am still sad about us but I know that will fade with time. I'm sad about what might have been. I do hope she finds inner peace but it will probably elude her for the rest of her life. She keeps looking outside of herself for something that only comes from within.

I am sad about the loss of her friendship. She is a nice person underneath the lies and manipulation. She just makes a lot of bad decisions. Some of those decisions led her to lie to me over and over again. You don't lie to your friends that way!

Maybe, just maybe, in the far, far future, we can reconnect and discuss what went wrong with us and maybe I can help her see that she really needs some sort of help.

I've gone back over my entries here and I see how hard I was on myself. I feel almost foolish for some of the things I wrote. It's because of what I learned that Lidia was doing during the same time period. She was already in a new relationship early on while I was doing some real difficult soul searching. I was tearing myself up over whether we would reconcile and she was lying to me about what she was going through.

I am so hard on myself, as if I could have fixed this. I relied a lot on what she told me and that was mostly false. This sums up what much of our relationship was like. I was trying so hard to do the right things and make things work but she wasn't. She told me she was but for whatever reason she didn't. I truly don't wish her any ill will and I do feel sad and sorry for her.

I forgive myself for all the mis-steps I've made. I forgive myself for all the hurts I've inflicted upon her and myself. I forgive myself for being so gullible about what she told me during our relationship and after she moved out. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to end it early on. Truly, it wasn't all bad. We both just couldn't grow enough for each other. I let her go...

Okay, I'm done. To follow my new bolg click Here.

How funny in a sad, sad way. After my last session I found out quite a bit about Lidia's new BF. She's jumping in again way before she knows if they're really compatible or not. She says they're very compatible and maybe they are but moving in together is probably not a good way to find out for sure. It's how they deal with conflict that will really determine if they can live together for the long term.

Of course she's so passive-aggressive that she'll pretty much swallow any grief he gives her and then she'll spend her time sulking and making him feel guilty. She's good at that, I should know. And in the end, when they eventually split, she'll say that they were the ones who couldn't make it work because she was not the one who broke it off. Like lying to and deceiving her BF is any way to make a relationship work. She must be so good at convincing herself that she's in the right. That she's always the victim. No wonder she feels like she doesn't have any control of her life and that she often doesn't feel so good about herself. Again, I feel so sorry for her.

She also told my therapist that her new BF isn't very interested in sex. She said that that was a big relief. She doesn't have to worry about him wanting it all the time. That came as a small surprise to me. She would continually manipulate me with the lure of passionate sex. She said that she wanted to grow and explore her sexuality with me but now it seems she just isn't interested in sex very much at all. I sort of knew that very soon after we moved in together. It's just not in her and she's not interested in changing that.

This leads me to believe that she's very afraid of deep intimacy as well. Good sex can foster that deep, deep bond between two people. It's what I really wanted for both of us but she kept avoiding it. She wants a relationship at any cost except at the cost of getting to close to someone who may hurt you. It's a no-win proposition for her and I feel very, very sad for her.

Almost everything she said to me was a lie.

• She said "we could date" even after she moved out.
• Working so much she doesn't have time to date.
• Working so much she's so stressed out.
• Working so much her body is aching.
• Spending her week off with Celia.
• Only saw/dated her BF on Saturdays.
• He was independent - out of town a lot.
• He was not there enough for her.
• Not sure if he's "the one"
• Doesn't know if he even wants to move in together - big lie.
• Moving in with Shauna - big lie!

I think what's the most shocking, sad and hurtful thing I've learned about Lidia is the ease that she lies with. She can easily and fully justify her bad behavior so that she finds lying to someone you "truly care about" is the right thing to do! She has no empathy for others. She has no ability to look at things from any other viewpoint but her own. She's so selfish and self-centered. Even when she's being giving and supportive it is mostly because she realizes she HAS to do that sort of thing to stay in the relationship, any relationship. She's so fucked up inside it's so, so sad...

Now, thinking about all her emails since we broke up. I can see that she had cheated on me even before we broke up. That lie she told about getting a massage was probably the only time I caught her. She must have been seeing him since November. That's when she lied about the massage.

I know she must have been seeing him because she emailed me in February that she was going to move out of the room she was renting. She told me a bullshit story about how her land-lady expected her to dog sit and to live somewhere else when her son came to visit.

Then in early April she called to tell me she was picking up her stuff later in the month because she was going to move in with her co-worker Shauna. Holy crap. If she had started seeing Will in February then they decided to move in together after only 2 months of dating.

I am totally shocked at how little I really knew her. She had told me how badly her first two husbands had treated her and I thought that she wouldn't do to me what they did to her, CHEAT! I was so wrong, I see that now.

OK, the first two times with Eric and Scott were not technically cheating since we were on a break and I hope she waited till we were separated to screw Will. How scared of being alone she must be. She can't even wait a day to jump right into another relationship and she uses sex to get the guy interested in her. That's how it was with me!

I remember our second date when I met her at her place to pick her up. She was still getting ready so I was inside waiting. I heard her get a phone call and it was her most recent ex. She was still breaking it off with him even as we had already gone out.

I didn't even like her all that much back then but I believed what she said! Man, I was so gullible!

Okay, at the very least my suspicions were confirmed. I just read that Lidia has moved in with her new boyfriend. I fucking wonder whose idea that was? At least she waited a couple more months than she did with me. She said that they're very compatible which is exactly what she said about us during the first months we started living together. Well with us, we started having problem in just a few months of living together. I do wish her all the best though and that she finds what she's looking for.

In her prior email Lidia said that she feels better about herself. Which is easy when you have someone to be with. The beginnings of relationships are always the best part. You feel wanted and possibly loved but it can be because you are doing and saying things just so the other person will like you. It's sort of like a sales pitch.

She said she feels more in control of her life but I totally don't understand that when she's in such a hurry to move in with someone that she may not really know so well. That's not my idea of being in control of your own life. She has such co-dependency issues and add to that her preoccupation with her finances it just drives her to find someone to cling to.

And you've got to wonder just how honest she was with him? I mean they met at her massage job. I saw his name on one of her pay sheets from back in November, it may have been earlier even. We were still a couple then although, I know she was already looking at getting out. This was the time she was talking to Ron a lot. I figure she never told him we were living together as a couple. I bet she told him that we were just roommates, that is, if she said anything at all about her living situation. She had hidden all the photos of us together over New Years. What kind of a relationship can she expect if it starts out with her being so deceptive and yes, dishonest?

I will admit that I'm hurt and angry. The hurt comes from me being replaced so quickly. It seems to me that she just jumps right into the arms of the first guy who's nice to her. I know I would be dating Elaine right now if things had gone just a little different but I highly doubt that I would be anywhere near as far along as Lidia is with Will.

The anger comes from all the lies and deceptions that Lidia made during our relationship. She justifies it by saying that I lied to her about security, improving things and, of course, quitting drinking but I didn't lie about any of those things. Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean I lied about wanting to do them. I can say with a completely clear conscience, that I tried! Because I failed doesn't mean I lied about it! So did she lie when she said she wanted to make things better and she didn't? Did she lie when she said she wanted to practice oral sex and she didn't? Did she lie when she said that she wanted to have passionate sex with me and she didn't? You could use that excuse for anything that the other person said but didn't follow through on.

Pretty much everything she told me since she moved out was bullshit! That's lying! When she says she's moving in with her co-worker but she's really moving in with her boyfriend. THAT"S A FUCKING LIE! I do feel sorry for her. I imagine she's very confused inside eve though she doesn't realize it and doesn't understand why her relationships go so wrong. I guess it's not as obvious to her as it is to me that she's doing the same thing over and over again. Maybe, just maybe, she found the right person this time.

I can't believe that she was so afraid of me that she felt she had to lie. In fact I would have told her to get her stuff out sooner! Mary Ann had told me that I was stupid for letting her store her stuff here. Man, she was so right. If Lidia had taken her stuff when she first moved out, she could have taken the secretary! Ha-Ha!

So why the fuck did she keep contacting me? Why did she tell what she was doing and how hard she was working and how she had no time to do anything but work? Why did she want copies of that CD? Even toward the end she could have just emailed me that she wanted her stuff. Why call me directly and tell me such a blatant lie? She really is messed up inside!

So, on the lighter side of this story:

1. At least I probably don't have to envy them for having killer sex. Nothing kills passion like co-habitation. Yeah, couples have more frequent sex but singles have the more passionate sex.

2. If I want her back I just have wait a couple of years or so. Divorce is higher among those who live together first and co-habitators are more likely to split than to marry. See Here

Just finished loading the truck with the last of Lidia's stuff. Once again I am feeling very, very sad but at least it's not that over-riding weepiness that I felt earlier in this break up. I am doing much better I just want this feeling to be over though.

This is where I start scaring myself. I hate feeling this way so much that I vow never to get into another serious relationship again. Then I worry that I'll never meet anyone as nice as the person I just broke up with, Lidia in this case. And then I latch onto the first woman who seems interested in me. Before I am sure that we should get serious.

I practically guarantee that I'm going to repeat this same pattern over and over. Now's the time to do things right. I want to fix what's wrong inside me and then go looking for someone that I can be happy with and who I can make happy by just being myself!

I did try and engage Marty with a question about where Lidia was going to be staying. He did the decent thing and declined to say. I asked if it was true that she moving in with Shauna. I find that hard to believe since she didn't like Shauna very much and Shauna has 2 young kids. I could have phrased it differently to make it obvious that I thought she was moving with her new BF but I didn't want to put too much pressure on Marty.

I told him that I was keeping the secretary because she broke an agreement we had. I think she may justify it in the way she phrased her response to me. She said "I didn't date Will while I was living there with you." I wasn't "there" over the New Year holiday. Well there I go grasping at straws again. It's so pointless too because she's gone. NEVER TO RETURN!

I'm waiting for Marty to come by and take the last of Lidia's stuff. I am feeling pretty sad right now but that's super normal, I think. I wish I could really stay angry at her for the emotional shit that she put me through. It would help me to get past her and this whole situation.

But I can't stay angry. I keep thinking that maybe I'm wrong about a lot of what I was suspicious about but then I think back to all the clues and evidence and it just seems so obvious that she was at least, doing something against our relationship the last few months we were together.

And come on, she went out with Will over New Year's. That was a DATE! Then I notice, she took all the pictures of us together down. The one of her alone was gone. Something happened between the two of them in her bedroom! I wish I could talk to Marty and find out what he knows.

Once again I notice that just as I'm starting to feel good again and ready to just live my life. She does something to contact me and I get myself all worked up over her again!

I definitely do it to myself too. How can I stop it? Well now that there's no reason for her to contact me I can just let time run it's course. My feelings were fading and I just need to be patient and let her go.

Well, now I'm second guessing all my suspicions about Lidia's actions, especially during the last few months of our relationship. She sounds very understanding in her email and I start to feel like I misjudged her. I think it derives from the massive guilt I got when I would verbally abuse her. I would always feel so bad about it afterwards. Like I need to make it up to her to show her how sorry I am.

What's really bothering me is that I have no real proof about any of my suspicions. My belief that she may have slept with Will in her room is based on such flimsy evidence that I am probably just grasping at paranoiac straws.

What I am pretty confident about is when she said she wore that sexy little black skirt to go to the movies with her friend Diane. There's no fucking way any woman would wear something like that just to go to the movies with a girlfriend. She said they went to see the James Bond movie. That is NOT a chick-flick.

It's most likely her lying by omission. Sure, Diane may have gone but I would bet a lot that there was a guy involved and it was most likely Will. I do know that she did cover some other things up from me and definitely lied by omission so I feel pretty justified there. She definitely tried to keep the news of her dating from me, too.

This is what's driving me crazy. I have all these suspicions but they are all so circumstantial, for the most part. I would like to get some validation on whether I was right or wrong. It's funny that I never felt I had to spy on my previous girlfriends. This was an issue only with her.

But on the other hand, she's only human. I told some lies to her on occasion. I am not immune from doing the same things. I guess it's a matter of degree and what exactly the person is lying about. One of her lies by omission is that when she went to sleep with Scott she told me that she was going to stay with her friend Celia. That was only partly true and if I had know what she was planning at the very beginning I am pretty sure I would have gone through with the break up. This would have spared me another year of frustration and suspicions.

Maybe it's better not to know some things. I mean it hurt me so bad to find out she had been with another guy barely a week or two after I broke it off. It won't really help me feel better about breaking up with her if I learn that she was more deceptive and duplicitous than I've discovered. I should just focus on getting past all this hurting and blaming and anger. It's over and I don't think I've yet let myself believe that fully. Getting rid of the last of her stuff will be big help there, I hope!

I think this is another issue that I want to work on. I really don't argue fairly with my mate. I want to learn the skills of fighting fair. Anger does have it's place but someone I love does not deserve to be berated and verbally assaulted. I really want to change that about myself.

Here I am playing armchair psychiatrist. This is about Lidia's statement that she wanted to grow with me sexually but that when her needs weren't met she couldn't really do it. She actually put it something more like "passionate sex." I'm writing about this because when we talked a couple of days ago, she again dangled the promise of passionate sex in front of me. I am very vulnerable to this tactic too!

First of all, I'm sure she was totally sincere about wanting to have "passionate sex" with me. What I think is that she doesn't realize that her needs will probably never be met adequately enough for this to happen. What I mean is that when we first got together and I explained how I would like our sex life to be, she was all for it. When the time came for her to live up to her words, she found any excuse to avoid actually doing anything about it. How could I ever meet her need for commitment if that meant marriage? We hadn't known each other long enough to make that sort of decision.

I need to watch myself from getting drawn back in to all this manipulation. I feel a strong urge to email her and point out the progression of the decline of our sex life and that it was mostly due to her. I will admit that when my frustration got the better of me I would turn into quite an asshole towards her. Again, I'm sure she was sincere that she wanted to try and work it out, but there's something in her messed up head that was getting in the way.

This seems evident from all the things that happened during the course of our relationship. She was, at first, vehemently opposed to sexy lingerie. Damn, that's a very mild kink too. She didn't want to kiss in the morning because of "morning breath." Then she didn't want to french kiss, "it's like sticking a piece of liver in your mouth!" Then she told me I was wasting my time fondling her breasts, it didn't "do" anything for her and so on and so on. Instead of expanding, our sexual repertoire was shrinking! That's pretty fucked up.

When I tried asking her what could we do to make it better, her reasons kept changing depending on what the issue was at the time. At first, it was that she just needed more time. Then she was too tired from working so much. Then her body ached too much. Then I was pressuring her too much. Then I was drinking too much. Then she didn't have enough security or commitment in our relationship and then there were others that I'm sure I have forgotten. I'm sure she would have thought up even more reasons why she wasn't motivated as time went on. She sure was getting good at finding them.

It was always something and it would always be something. She just wasn't interested enough in sex to work on this issue. She knew it was important to me so she sincerely wanted to try but it wasn't a big deal for her so why not use it to get all the things she really craved?

I'm sure she saw that I would pretty much do what she asked if she would promise to work on it but then she wouldn't work on it or she would mostly, just go through the motions. I figure she was torn, she wanted to please me sexually but doing it this way was dirty and perverted. She would much rather have cooked me a nice dinner, I think. Or maybe, she just wasn't into it much at all but she had to do it to keep the relationship going. That may be more likely, unfortunately, since she's sleeping with her new boyfriend even though she told me they may never marry and he's not there for her as much as she wants! So, they're probably not having passionate sex either or all her reasons are just manipulative bullshit!

I don't think I, or anyone for that matter, could ever satisfy her needs enough to make her feel secure. That kind of security must come from within. At least she hinted in her last email to me that she is feeling more secure, or in control of her life, but then she also laments that she is living under somebody elses roof. (I do wonder if it's really with Shauna, though.)

Maybe there's some hope for her. I truly do wish her the best. I have expressed a lot of anger towards her but she is, without doubt, a good person who deserves to be happy. As do I!

I should have known it. I just got a reply from Lidia and she seems so reasonable and even put upon that I'm angry at her. It makes me feel guilty about all the hostility I displayed in my message to her and even in my private blog.

I just need to remind myself that she did lie to me. She had gone to lunch when I was in Vegas and she told me that she had gone with Marty but she conveniently neglected to mention that her friend Wally was there too.

I confronted her about it and she said something like, "Do I have to tell you everyone I meet for lunch?" I told her no but if I ask her directly who she went to lunch with it's a lie to not tell me who she went with. I asked her if it was me who had gone to lunch and she found out that it was with a female friend that she didn't know, how would she feel about it. She then, finally, admitted that it would bother her but she never admitted that she had done something wrong and she never said she was sorry!

There were other situations like that not even considering the crap she did when we broke up early in 2006. I can understand that she did what she did because she thought we were really breaking up but it's what she did right after that hurt me so much. It's the whole shit with Scott and the bullshit she pulled to make me jealous. There's really no other good explanation other than she wanted to make me jealous. I mean why mention to me that she was getting a yeast infection and could it have been caused by latex?! Fuck That!

Or even now. Why keep contacting me when she's already dating and not mention it? Why keep hinting that she's so busy working that she doesn't have time to do much else, like date someone? Why do I let myself get so worked up over this? It's OVER!

Well, I was going to start making excuses for her because, maybe, a lot of what she does is unintentional. So to be angry at her would be like getting angry at termites for eating your house. It's what they do! But that means I must do something too. You can't just let them keep eating your house. That's crazy!

That's why she keeps dangling the promise of passionate sex in front of me. It's her best tool to get me to do what she wants. She may be clueless about many things but emotional manipulation is her best skill. She's an Evil Genius in that category. My problem is that I keep falling for it. It works on me. But, I really can't fault myself for that. I mean, it's a good thing when you want to make passionate love to the woman you love!

Then I got to thinking about what she said when we talked about how the last couple of months of our relationship were pretty crazy. Maybe they were crazy for her but not for me. I got to thinking about that blatant lie she told about getting a massage. I really let her off the hook on that one. I WANTED to believe her.

Now, I realize that it probably wasn't as harmless as I tried to convince myself it was. I bet, again with not much evidence, that she cheated on me. It was probably with Will too. Fuck you for that too, you lying piece of shit!

She's a cheater and a liar and I am much better off without her in my life. I'm hurting again for lots of reasons, one being that I still miss her, but it's getting better and better and I just need more time.

She's fucking with me by keeping in contact. I told her no contact unless it's an emergency. Like getting a fucking copy of that CD was an emergency? Then when I ask to meet face to face she blows me off! It's lucky that we didn't meet though, I would have probably asked her if we could start dating. She suggested that we could date even after she moved out. But that turned into bullshit too. She was already fucking someone by the time she started contacting me.

Of course, she's moving on. That's a lot easier when you're already in another relationship. Even if it's not what you really want. This is something I really can't blame her for though. I would be doing the same thing if things with Elaine had gone differently but then I wouldn't be sending her messages! The fucking BITCH!

I'm being too hard on myself. I can't just get rid of the positive feelings I still have for her by being angry at her. The anger is good to express, to validate that it exists with me and that I am fully justified in feeling it. The same goes for the love I still have for her and guilt I have at the way I treated her sometimes and the grief I have at the death of our relationship.

I so want to keep confronting her about the shit she lied to me about, especially what happened over New Year's and where she was when she was supposed to be getting that massage. It really pisses me off that she could do those things to me. I would have thought she wouldn't do that shit because of how she felt when it was done to her! I so want to know the truth but I never will. She'll just keep lying and denying and there's nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to make her tell me the truth.

I just have to be strong. I will not reply to any of her messages except maybe to tell her to leave me alone. It's hard for me because I still love her but it's the only thing I can do. Just like breaking up with her was the only thing I could do given where we were going and how we were treating each other. She's an asshole for trying to just stick it out. But then again at the end she was really pushing me away in her usual passive aggressive manner. She wanted to get caught lying and cheating. Fuck her!

Damn. So here's a thought from the Devil's Advocate side of my brain. (I wish that fucker would just shut the fuck up!)

Is she really so thoughtless that she leaves all these fucking clues around that she's cheating on me?

I mean I busted her cleanly when she lied about getting a massage but she continued to deny it. I even listened to her voice mail. She could have easily erased them right after listening to them! She had no other way to explain why her car wasn't out front either so it was easy to see that parking in back was a lie too.

She said she did the laundry on Tuesday but she left her dirty clothes in the hamper 3 days after she said she had worn them. They were the only things in the fucking hamper!

I can only conclude that she wanted to get caught. Like some fucking psycho, serial killer who knows they're doing something bad but they can't stop themselves.

Maybe, she realized that our relationship was way beyond repair but didn't have the spine to end it.

The flaw here is then why, oh why, didn't she leave the first time I ended it? Why didn't she leave the second time?

Even this last, final time she hinted that she thought we might reunite a year or so later, just like her boss Dr. Allison and Allison's husband did. She mentioned a few times that they were separated for almost a year but they reconciled when Bill, the husband started taking anti-ADD medication! But, in our case, she's the one who needs medication and I need to quit drinking.

Man, I wonder what the fuck goes on in that brain of hers! She's either an Evil Genius or Totally Clueless!

To my audience of, hopefully, one, I fully realize how hostile this all reads and I want to reassure you that I would never abuse her physically nor verbally, though I've done that before. I will admit that I do so want to cuss her out!

I would like to write her one last email laying out what my suspicions are. I would not use a single curse word but I would necessarily, call her a cheater and a liar. I also want to tell her that I never, ever want to see her again and the she can't set foot in my house again nor her new boyfriend. She would have to send Marty and Neal only to pick up her stuff.

I want to discuss this.

It's 3am and I can't sleep. No surprise there but I have been thinking about the last few months we were still together. I had totally busted her telling me a lie. She said she went to get a massage one day after work. I was on my way home and decided to drive by Massage Envy. I didn't see her car out front. I knew her voice mail code so I called it to see if she had any messages and Massage Envy had left a message that she had missed her appointment.

At the time I thought she was seeing Ron for dinner. I thought that she was talking to him because this was right after I came back from Vegas and I had checked her phone bill and saw she had called him a few times late at night when I was away.

I confronted her about it but she said that the receptionist had got the appointment wrong and that all the massage employees were supposed to park in the back. I knew that was total bullshit because she never parked in the back and I drove by one day afterward and she was parked out front! I now seriously think that she was seeing Will for a date.

She's a lying, cheating piece of shit and now I want to hurt her back. I want to keep the stupid, fucking secretary and just tell her to get her old pieces of shit furniture out of here. I want to tell her that Will can't come in to my place. She can send Marty and Neal to get the last of her shit and that's it. I want to tell her to go fuck herself and that I never want to see her face again!

What drives me nuts is this is exactly the kind of shit she complained that Mark did to her. It's why she still is angry toward him. She was so hurt that he didn't talk to her but did all his shit in Korea and behind her back. And on top of that, she's fucking Will and she doesn't know if they're going to marry. She said that she thought I was the one but she says she has no idea what's going to happen with Will in the future. And yet it's okay to fuck him! What a complete fucking hypocrite!

Even more bullshit was the few times we did talk she would heavily imply that she didn't have much of a social life because she was working so much. It may all be circumstantial but it all makes sense in a twisted, fucked up way. She was ready to leave me a while ago but she couldn't until she had someone else lined up to be with. It's why she wouldn't meet me face to face. What a sad, pathetic, little person she is. Now I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

Then, on our call yesterday, she was complaining how Ed was still cheating on his wife. That he cheated on her when they were engaged and that he's still cheating on her. She said that he's disgusting but she cheated on me. Maybe not technically but at the very least she completely violated our agreement. She agreed not to date anyone until after she had moved out. She lied. That agreement was broken before we even made it. Fuck, I am so hurt and angry!

Well one good thing I noticed, at least it's way more anger than hurt. Maybe I'll hurt more later but it's almost surprising how little feeling I still have for her after all the pieces finally came together. Right now I just want her out of my life!

Fuck. Fuck Fuck.

I was just thinking about what most likely happened over the New Year holiday. Now, this mostly mere suspicion but I think the evidence is strong that she slept with Will in her bed.

I wonder if she made him use a condom? She was still using birth control during that time. I was kind of suspicious why she didn't stop like the last time we broke up. We had stopped having sex in mid December. So, I know she had to get a refill and she didn't like spending money on shit like that.

I took a blanket off her bed when she left to take stuff to her new place. I could smell the scent of the "wet spot." It was actually dry by this time but I could still smell something. This was after I noticed that she left her undies in the hamper and I saw the crotch was kind of crusty. I was surprised to find this in the hamper as she had made a point of telling that had done the laundry while I was away. I asked her if she wore the sexy little black skirt, that was there also, to the New Years eve party with Will but she denied it and said that she wore it the day before when she went to the movies with Dianne. More bullshit, she would have washed it with the other laundry she did. She said they saw the new Bond movie but that's hardly a chick flick. More evidence that Will went too.

I figure that her laundry consisted of the stained sheets but that since she didn't clean the mattress pad there was still an odor that I noticed. Otherwise she would have washed her clothes from Friday night! Lies! Lies! Lies!

And I also noticed that when I got back from L.A. she had taken down all her pictures of us together. They were in a drawer in her room. I saw that the picture I took of her alone was missing. I bet she gave it to him that night. I must admit, that was a great picture of her. I used to have on my desk at work. It's just more evidence that they were way more than "just friends" even this early in our break up. Just like there other times. More of the same bullshit.

So why am I not more upset with her. I can't really think that I drove her to do that sort of shit. I mean I am also pretty sure that she slept with this guy Eric, when we broke up during our first year together. Why didn't I make it stick then. Yeah, I didn't find out about that for a few days after we reconciled and she totally, vehemently denied it, but still.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Okay, here's more I just thought of, She kept telling me that she wants a commitment but then she said about Will that she has no idea if he will marry her or if he even wants to move in together? Wouldn't it have been smarter to find out about that before you start fucking someone? Sure he's a nice guy and all but if you really want a commitment and marriage then you should talk about that at least a little up front. Just to be sure you are both on the same page, not that that's what is going to happen right away! It's so obvious that she's just using him to get over me like she used Scott to make me jealous.

What the fuck is wrong with her?

I must like to torture myself. I must like to feel like shit.

I just spoke to Lidia at length. I wanted to know when and how she was going to pick up that last of her stuff. I am still torn up about her deep inside. I still have strong feelings for her. Wow, I check my phone log and we talked for almost half an hour. I just don't know what I want to say to her. I do want her back and of course I also don't.

She's already in a new relationship. It's with the guy Will that she went out with for New Year's eve. I knew that they were more than friends. She has no problem withholding the truth if she thinks it'll cause an argument or make her look bad. This all means she was dating him when she was still living here with me. A clear violation of our agreement! I bet that she threw herself at him like she did with me and Scott! I am pretty sure they slept together over the New Year holiday. I thought I could smell it on her bed linens. (Yes, YUCK, I know. And I know it was un-cool of me to check for that. But she was moving into her new place and I had to grab the blanket off of it and I noticed it then.)

She says that he's pretty independent and that he's got his own life. She said that they mostly date on weekends because she's working close to 7 days a week again. He goes out of town to run in races but Lidia doesn't go because she works so much. She says that he's a really nice guy but that she's not sure if he's the one. But I do wonder if she's really moving in with him and not her co-worker like she said. It'll be good for me to NOT know where she lives. It's bad enough that she works close by.

She did say that when we first went out she thought I was the one. Just like my therapist said. How about that? I did start rehashing the past and it got her a bit riled up.

She also pretty much blamed me for our relationship being so bad and eventually ending. She blamed my drinking for most of it. This does make me feel bad. I do sometimes think I have a drinking problem but I'd rather keep drinking than quit. I guess, for me, I only lose control sometimes and so I think I can handle it. That's kind of stupid because I sometimes drink and drive and if I ever got caught that would fuck up my life big time!

Maybe this is my wake up call. I can't get Lidia back but I can start living my life right. I can start growing up, finally. So the next time I meet someone who I can really live with, I won't mess it up. Just stop drinking, at least for awhile. I know I can do that. I've done it before. I've gone at least 3 months with not a drop. But I SO want a glass or two of wine right now.

All in all knowing that she's seeing someone is good for me to get over her. This last hurdle of getting her stuff out of here will put the final touch on the ending of this chapter of my life. There'll be much less of any chance of meeting her and her new bf. I did tell her that I asked Ward to remove her from his email list. She thought that Ward was mad at he for some reason.

I do feel sad and, yes, a little weepy. There was potential there. I am sad for what could have been if we had done things better way at the beginning. I hope she can be happy. I know I can be happy, just not right now. It's okay. I am feeling better. I miss her still but I am going to be better off in the long run. She kept telling me that she's moved on, of course she's moved on it's pretty easy to forget your old relationship when you're already in a new one.

I probably shouldn't be too hard on her for that. Some of the stuff I've read about getting over a relationship is get into a new one. I know there's a lot of concern for a "rebound" relationship. That hey never last but that's really not necessarily true. The reputable literature usually suggests a "rebound" relationship as OK as long as you realize that you still need time to heal. And honestly, I would be doing the same thing with Elaine or even Julie. I don't know if I could have kept it casual. But now that I know she's already doing it I can try and relax and not be desperate to get into another relationship right away.

Again I am reminded how much this feel like breaking up with Erin back when I was 24. We would break up and reunite but we only went out about 2 years. I just couldn't let her go until I found out that she was dating someone else. She eventually went on to marry her new boyfriend. They had kids together was the last thing I remember hearing about her so long ago.

As much as this is a final sort of ending. I do have a feeling that in a few months she'll be single again and then look me up. I wonder if I'll be strong enough to keep away. I don't think I can be friends with her any time soon, if at all. Although I did feel this way about Mary Ann too, maybe not as strongly since we weren't together as long, and now we're friends. But to be honest, we're probably only friends because Mary Ann wants me back.

This clears up some of the mystery early on in our break up. I would want to get together in person to talk but she would always put me off. It was because she was already with someone else and she didn't want to lead me on or she didn't want to be tempted to reunite. That was probably a fortuitous situation for both of us. I do wish she had told me the truth early on. It really would have helped me to get over her a little faster. Also, I always have this burning desire to KNOW things. It's what makes me so good at finding things out. It's why I found out a lot of things when I was with Lidia.

I figure the next couple of days are going to be rough but I'll get through them and be stronger on the other side. But my main worry is that I did totally blow it with her and that she did really did think I was the one. I think "what if" and that we could have something really great. She said that, at the beginning, she did want to grow with me, sexually. But I must say that early on she balked at even something so relatively tame as lingerie. (Ugh, I bet she's really giving it up to Will.)

Or maybe not. Love isn't necessarily joined with happiness. She was so fucking passive aggressive that we couldn't work things out if we couldn't discuss them and when I tried to discuss them she accused me of putting too much pressure on her or not giving her enough time. But again, she's very good at spinning her explanations so she's the victim. If I was that bad why the fuck did she always come back when I first tried to break up.

I don't know what to think except that it really is over. I am sad about that but soon I think, I'll start to feel relieved. My friend Carmen is talking to me about unconditional love and I said that that is what Lidia wanted more than anything. I told her that I really didn't believe in that but maybe Lidia had that for me. After all we would still be together if I hadn't broken it off. Maybe I am the one who is deficient. Well it's something to think about and maybe something that I can change in the future,

I was pretty much hung over all day Saturday. It was a very unproductive day. At least I went to bed early at like 10PM. I was planning on getting up early Sunday to go to the Original Pancake House but I decided to make my own breakfast.

I told Mary Ann that I would take her to sushi on Sunday so I figured I'd save some money and finish up my remaining eggs. I made a passable meal of fried eggs with tortillas. I was once again a little sad about Lidia. She could pop this meal out in about 10 minutes.

I'm seriously thinking about teaching myself how to be a good cook. I've got addicted to watching "America's Test Kitchen" on PBS and they make difficult recipes look almost easy, almost.

My main problem with this is that, aside from needing decent cookware, the recipes they make feed 4 or 6 people. It's a pain in the ass to cook only for yourself. I was thinking of cooking for Mary Ann but I think that may give her the wrong idea of our relationship. This also made me think about Lidia and how she wanted me to cook for her more often.

It seems that the longer we're apart the closer I become to the kind of guy she really wanted in the first place. More irony, I guess.

I went to dinner with Mary Ann last night. We went to La Torretta. It's a really good Italian restaurant. Lidia and I used to go there a lot. We decided to go because they send out coupons for $25 off. Even with that discount it was still pretty expensive. The real expensive part are the drinks.

Dinner was excellent there as usual. I did feel a bit melancholy about Lidia. As I said, we used to eat there a lot. We got to know the owner too. He stopped by and mentioned that he hadn't seen us there in a while. It was sort of ironic.

After that we went over to Buffalo Wild Wings to play some trivia and drink beer. I drank a lot and luckily Mary Ann was pacing herself so she could drive us home. I was sucking at trivia and it was due to all the alcohol I was drinking. Mary Ann was again plying me with liquor.

We stayed there until 11PM or so and I got shit faced. Mary Ann again offered to be friends with benefits and I again turned her down. I surprised myself since I was so drunk I thought I might give in this time.

I had a real good time overall. I just wish that she would pull back a bit and stop coming on so strong. I may need to have a talk with her about this in the near future.

Damn, I started feeling sad again today. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself more than anything else. I was thinking about Lidia again.

I need to do my ABCs of REBT. I started looking for IBs in my thoughts and they came forward pretty easily.

1. I must not feel sad ever.
2. Women I like must like me back at least at the same level
3. It should be easy to make new friends. I must never feel lonely.

Now, comes disputing them. That's actually pretty easy too because they are all irrational. I guess I still need to write it down so I can incorporate it into my thinking. I mean I know they are irrational but I still feel sort of sad so I may not really believe it.

I went to lunch with Julie today. I didn't feel much of a spark from her. It's sort of too bad for me because out of the three that I got contacted by she was far and away the one I like best. The lunch was fine and we talked pretty easily but there just wasn't much attraction toward me from her.

I do think that a big part of that is because we are about the same height and actually she is a little taller than me. I didn't check to see if she was wearing heels or not but I don't think so. In a way this is a good outcome. I'm going to have to go on a lot of dates before I meet someone who I would like to see seriously.

I did ask her out to dinner this Saturday but she declined. We did make tentative plans for lunch next week. Who knows what may happen in the future. I bet she has other dates with men she met at the speed date so this is the way it's supposed to work.

I've definitely been spoiled from the start-up of some past relationships. When I decide to date someone they very early on let know that they are interested in me. This ambivalence is off-putting to say the least but, I'm going to keep my options open with Julie. She would make a good friend too. She's smart, good looking and is taking tennis lessons this summer. She has a great laugh to, it's kind of deep and throaty.

I have a lunch date with Julie tomorrow. I was perusing her profile, and I saw that she wants kids. I don't want kids so I wonder what's my duty here. Do I tell her right away or do I assume that she's read my profile and should know that we differ on this issue.

Well I'm definitely going to lunch and we'll see what happens. I am not going to bring it up if she doesn't.

I ended up with 3 matches from my speed dating event. That's pretty good in my estimation. I thought maybe, I'd get one, Julie. We've already started emailing each other and we're getting together for lunch this coming Wednesday.

My main concern is that, according to her profile, she wants kids and, uh, I don't So, I just plan on seeing her Wednesday with no expectations (funny, I've been saying that a lot lately) and see how things proceed.

When we spoke at the speed date, she was very attractive, smart and funny. Just the kind of woman I would like to marry. She's 10 years younger than me though. That's funny too because in her profile her top age limit was 40. I'm wondering if I should ask her why she went on an older men/younger women event.

Update about Elaine. I don't think we're going to be friends after all. I sent her an email last week and still no response. She was always very late in replying to an email since she doesn't have easy Internet access but now it feels like she just isn't interested in staying in touch. Too bad, I liked her...

My speed dating experience last night, much like my life right now, was both fun and disappointing. I got there early enough so I caught the end of the previous event. That was the older group than I was in. There were some attractive women at that event but there were more women who were very out of shape. It was a bit disheartening. I didn't check out the men as closely but from I can recall, they were in pretty much the same proportions.

I was hanging around the bar before it started and one of the women attending, Julie, came to order a drink. I started talking to her and we hit it off really well just from some small talk. I immediately knew that she would be one woman I would like to see again and I got the impression that the feeling may be mutual. My main concern about her is that she was slightly taller than me. In fact that was the major disappointment of the night. I am too short!

At the start of the event, there were 2 more men than women because of no-shows. So, I had to sit by myself for the first 6 minutes. The first woman I talked to didn't seem too interested and it was only when we discovered that we both work for Wells Fargo that she became a bit more animated. But that wasn't much for her since her main job was selling things on eBay. I immediately flashed on the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin." The main love interest had a store where she sold items on eBay.

On the whole, it was a fun evening. I did really enjoy talking to all these women. They were all very warm and friendly for the most part. It was generally obvious when there wasn't any "chemistry" between us but there were very few awkward silences. I will select about 3 or 4 women to ask to be matched with. I think that maybe I can get a positive response from 1, maybe 2. I definitely hope to see Julie again. Again, I think my height was a tremendous disadvantage for me, especially when I sized up the competition. But since there's absolutely nothing I can do about it I don't let it bother me too much.

I will definitely try speed dating again. The next one coming up is for athletic and active singles. I am in the older age group for that event. What I am anticipating for that event is that most participants should be in decent shape. In fact I was pleasantly surprised that the women I met last night were all in nice shape and attractive with one exception. I think the next event may be more promising in that I imagine the women at this event may feel, since they were much younger than the men, that they had the upper hand and they were probably right on that point. Although, that's not all that unusual. Men do the pursuing and women do the choosing.

Hah! I just got a response from the event. Tracy would like to contact me. She was another woman I was attracted to but I didn't think I had much of a chance with her. She came across as kind of a typical "Scottsdale" woman, mostly just interested in having fun. Given my situation, this is a good match for me. She's an executive assistant which is politically correct speak for secretary, not that there's anything wrong with that.

What really struck me with her, and probably the only reason she wants to contact me, is that she runs a football betting pool. I told her that I used to participate in a pool with some friends but that it had been shut down for a couple of years now. Her pool is straight up rather than against the spread like the one I used to play in so it may be a bit easier. So, no expectations...

I think I am doing much better. I don't feel that weepy, sadness that I was feeling before my vacation. It's easy to know that time will help heal the emotional wounds but it's a different beast altogether to slog through the painful heartache in the interim.

I will admit that I still miss Lidia and I still go over different scenarios in my head. If only I did this or she did that or what if things were different now... The main difference that I can tell, is that I am not feeling the immense sadness of abandonment that was I feeling before. I wonder if this means Petey has gone back into my subconscious. I don't think I really did much to help that part of my psyche to heal.

My next big challenge and hopefully my last, is when Lidia comes to get the last of her furniture. I think she may expect me to help her unload it at her new place after we get it out of mine. I'm not sure if I want to know where she will be living. It's much better for me emotionally, if I don't have any contact with her and don't know where she's living. That would remove any temptation to stalk her. I wish she didn't work so close to where I live but I can't change that. I think I'll suggest that she rent a truck so the move can be done in one trip too.

I am hoping that this will be the end of any contact from her. At least for a long, long time. I asked her not to contact me before and she did anyway. Now, with all her stuff gone, there's no reason for her to contact me. I think it may be possible to be friends but that would be far in the future based on the way I still feel about her right now.

So after this I can start working on improving myself. I have lots of potential for growth left. On the other hand, I am kind of feeling sorry for myself right now after my big trip. I think I could have gotten laid if that's what I really wanted to accomplish. I feel pretty confident that I can date casually but I am a lot less confident that I can do casual sex. The main problem I had on my trip was that I wasn't very physically attracted to the women who seemed attracted to me. Too fat or too old or (shudder) both!

I had a very good time with Mary Ann. We went out to DC Ranch for dinner. Then we went to Eddie V's for drinks and maybe some dancing. We didn't dance there but we sang along a lot with the band. It was almost like our own karaoke bar. The songs were pretty old though but it was very fun singing them out loud.

The crowd was pretty old too so we weren't alone in singing along. There weren't a lot of people dancing anyway. The place emptied out around 10:45 pm or so. We decided to head out and check out San Felipe across the way.

We walked up to the entrance and there was this big Asian guy going in and I don't remember what set him off but he started saying how I looked like I'd like Mariachi music. Mary Ann thought the the guy was being a racist asshole but I didn't even take it that way. I guess I don't consider myself to be Mexican so I didn't pay much attention to him.

We then went over to this small bar called Baroque. It seems this is where a lot of the pretty, hip young people of Scottsdale go dancing. It was quite crowded and they were playing decent house music. Mary An and I danced for a bit, it was fun. Too bad we were the old farts there!

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I am avoiding updating my blog as a result.

I spoke to Lidia these last 2 days. She's coming for the last of her stuff the first weekend in May. I'm feeling sad again. I mentioned that all the stuff in my house reminds me of her. She said she misses me too but that this was the best for both of us. I found that sort of ironic. I just hinted that I'm still sad and she took it even farther.

I think I really need this to end. I still hold a lot of feelings for her and I still feel like trying to get back together. It's better that she's not interested in doing that. I am doing better though. That sad weepy feeling deep down has pretty much quited down. I guess little Petey is starting to feel better about our situation.

It'll be good to get her stuff out. Since Ward hasn't been doing much lately I don't feel like Lidia and I would run into each other at all. If she wasn't contacting me, I wouldn't even know if she was still around. It was stupid of me to check out her car when she said she was hit again. Even her last email invited me to keep in touch, "If you want!" Sorry, I don't want!

Reading Albert Ellis has helped too. I can understand that it's okay to still feel sad and even frustrated but that it's irrational to get all depressed about this. I am finding a lot of musts and shoulds still float around my thoughts. I know I'll be mostly happy again. Heck I'm happy now for the most part. It's only when I let my thoughts dwell on Lidia and the good things we had that I start getting sad again.

On another note, I'm going out with Mary Ann tonight. We're going out to celebrate her birthday. She's turning 47 today. I totally forgot to get her a card but in a way that's a good thing. She was saying how much she missed me during my trip. This may put her off a bit.

I spoke to Lidia today. I still have such strong feelings for her or maybe they're for our relationship and the good things about it. I do miss her cooking and cleaning a lot more than I thought I would. Heck I even miss the boring sex.

She's arranging to pick up the last of her stuff. This is a good thing for me to really get over her. Now I won't have to anticipate when she'll contact me again. We even spoke over the phone and got a little caught up in each others lives since she moved.

She said she's moving in with Shauna now that Shauna has to sell the house for the divorce. It's funny, they did not get along very well but I guess now they have more in common. She said that her landlord was asking for too much extra, like dog sitting, so she didn't want to stay there anymore.

I foolishly mentioned how much the things in my place remind me of her. She said she missed me too but that the break up was the right thing for us and she needed a commitment. I didn't want to get into another debate about our relationship so I just said I understood about her need for a commitment and that I was sorry for the bad ways I had treated her.

Truthfully, I don't think I could ever commit to her while she still has so many issues concerning her 2 ex husbands, along with our issues with intimacy. How could I fully commit when she was trying to get back with her first husband not 4 or 5 months after she moved in. She was still at it 2 years into our relationship and she was still hung up about her 2nd husband during all this time too.

I guess she felt she couldn't be honest with me about those things. She was rightly concerned that I would end the relationship if I knew the truth about her feelings. She's really being disingenuous going into serious relationships with those issues unresolved, for the most part.

I do feel cheated and so confused why I still have such feelings for her. I guess 3 years was more than enough time for me to really love her even as I was trying to push her away and constantly break it off with her. I know part of my problem is that I'm finding it difficult to meet someone new that I'm really attracted to like I was for her. Not to mention that it would be nice if they were attracted to me too.

Best day EVER! (Yesterday)

Woke up at 6AM to prepare for trip to Milford Sound. We weren't sure if the weather was going to permit our flights to depart. Found out early that we were a go!

We took a cab to the Queenstown airport. The driver was a really nice guy. I sat in the front sear on the left side of the car. It was a strange feeling at first to be on the passenger side, which is the driver's side in the states!

The driver had just been married 3 weeks earlier. He plaid the bag pipes as a hobby as a second job. He's been playing for over 19 years in many different countries. I was struck at how interesting the people you meet on vacation are!

The flight to Milford Sound was spectacular. Our pilot was a very cute woman named Megan. She took us up over the hills and over the fiords on the way to the sound. The scenery was awesome.

Took boat tour around the sound.

Flew to Glenorchy for jetboat ride. Not so impressed.

Then bus ride back to Queenstown.

Dinner at Fishbone... just ok.

Dancing at 12 bar... pretty dead mostly us ASA people.

Up early for river raft tour. Guide was hard on Nikki. She had trouble with some of the commands and concepts.

Boat flipped on 7m (21ft) waterfall. I bumped my head on the side of the raft and then pulled myself up. Got a little panicked.

Finished rest of the river with no problems.

Next went mountain biking w/Dale, Consuelo, Lynn, and Nikki. Awesome scenery. I was navigating but got us lost for a bit. We got back in plenty of time for drinks near the hotel.

Stayed up late in the hotel bar. Played pool and drank a lot. Got stupid drunk but no one seemed to notice!

First day. Got off plane at 6:30AM local time. Went to hotel to leave off bags. The entire group hopped onto city tour buses. I hooked up with my roommate for a bit and then he left for the aquarium. I spent the rest of the day with Brendon.

We went to the New Zealand museum for a short while but we barely scratched the surface. You could spend a few days here easily. We only had a short time because we wanted to catch the satellite bus to see more of Auckland. It's quite a big bustling city.

We got off the bus in Parnel for lunch. The waitress put our seats in front of the kitchen exit and the chef really let her have. Afterward she went into the kitchen and gave the chef a piece of her mind. It was pretty funny. The girl was all of 5 feet tall and the chef was w burly Italian guy! I got to know some of my fellow travellers better during lunch. It was a very nice afternoon.

After lunch the bus company picked us up to take us back to the hotel. The rooms still weren't ready. We hung out in the bar and had a few drinks. I was pretty tired from the long, long flight so I didn't drink too much.

After we got into our rooms, it took the hotel quite a long time to get all our baggage sorted out. I then met Brendon in the lobby and we went for a walk. We walked down to the beach and took a few pictures.

I don't remember now what we did for dinner. I went to bed pretty early too.

Went to the airport at 7:30pm Wednesday 3/28. I had no real idea what to expect. There were a bunch of people standing around waiting to get in the check in line. I didn't see anyone I knew, which was not at all surprising.

I went ahead and checked in on my own. I saw some people standing around the front of the check in area, so I went over and introduced myself. I met Tara and some others. Tara said she wanted to pick up a book for the the flight and I asked if I could tag along because I discovered that the huge book I had brought with me, I left at my sister's place.

She was nice and all but I didn't feel much of any interest from her. I followed her to the convenience store and bought a couple of books for the flight. I bumped into the guy I was going to be rooming with. His name is Ron and he seemed like a pretty nice guy.

The flight over was pretty dang boring but I found myself sitting next to another group member named Brendon. He had just gotten divorced from his 2nd wife. He even had the "Dear John" letter she wrote him. I just happened to look over his shoulder as he was reading it. He is a defense attorney in Bend Oregon and he actually works on death penalty cases, which I found quite impressive.

Behind our row was this younger woman. I thought she was pretty cute but I wasn't sure if she was in our singles group. She was watching Borat on the in flight movie service. (The entertainment system was pretty damn impressive on this flight.) She was totally cracking up at the movie. I found out soon that she was with our group. She is the youngest and cutest of our group by far.

More on her later...

I just can't talk to or have contact with Lidia. I feel pretty sad again about our break up. I tried to be nice about her accident and allowing her to get her furniture whenever she wants. I didn't think it would be a big deal anyway. Now, I feel guilty about calling her a liar about her car getting hit. I really don't know what to think about that but why did she tell me in two separate emails that she'd taking it to Rick's Body Shop on Raintree.

She may have unconsciously wanted me to feel sorry for her and it fucking worked. I felt bad about checking on her but I was really curious to see how much damage there was and if it may have affected her physically. Then I put myself in a position to feel guilty about how I responded. I even wanted to see her face to face for many reasons. Not the least of which was to see how I felt around her physically and, yes, to give her a chance to come on to me. (Or maybe me to her.)

I again felt sad that that didn't happen. She obviously doesn't want to see me face to face. I've definitely given her a couple of opportunities to do so. So, even though she seems to be staying away physically, she's still staying in touch through email and text. I am glad that I'll be completely out of touch for almost 2 weeks.

My feelings are slowly fading but every time she contacts me I feel that I fall right back into those feelings of loss, sadness, loneliness and abandonment! I wonder how she's feeling?

I just left a message on Lidia's voicemail. My voice cracked a bit with emotion. I apologized for the misunderstanding on my part. I told her that I still had strong feelings for her and that I really went to see if the car was badly damaged and if so I would have asked if she was hurt at all.

When I saw the car it had no damage visible. I felt very manipulated. I told her, and she agreed that we wouldn't contact each other for at least 3 months. That lasted maybe 2 weeks. I start to wonder if she's moving on or waiting for me to ask her back but when I make a move to see her in person, she always puts me off. As a result, I have no idea what she's going through.

She just sent me a text telling me to have a nice trip. Once again, this was after I said in my message that we shouldn't contact each other for a while. I told her to just contact me when she's ready to get her furniture. I was hoping that she would leave me alone and give me enough of a call ahead to get anything ready for her to take.

I'm definitely still hung up about her but this really shows that I just don't have any trust in her and that I would surely start treating her badly again. I don't want to do that to her and it's not any fun for me either. How can I think I care about her so much if I treat her like shit sometimes?

I took Mary Ann out for dinner last night. I wanted to go someplace nice so I took her to the Capital Grille. It was very good but they charred my steak a little too much. She again came on strong when we got back to my place. She tried to french kiss me again.

The bad part is that Lidia called me back and got upset that I basically called her a liar about her car getting hit. She was right to be upset. I should not have called her out like that. I did feel that she was being manipulative. When I read her emails it seemed like a big accident but when I went to see the car I could not even see a scratch.

This is the pattern of our entire relationship in miniature. So now according to this pattern I feel I should apologize. I do still care for her but I think that the major feeling of neediness is really receding. I am feeling sad right now but it's not as strong as it was even a week or so ago. I feel really stupid getting all worked up about her again. Even if I got back with her, everything would be exactly the same. I haven't changed anywhere near enough to handle the frustration I feel. I still need to work on myself before I can meet someone who I can truly love.

I so want to move past all this but there's something there that still wants to get back with her. I sort of feel that she's reaching out to me and when it seems she's not I get upset. When I called her the first time, I asked if she wanted to meet face to face. She said that she has plans for today with her friend Celia. I felt rejected. Why do I do this to myself? I just need to hold on to the feeling that my feelings for her ARE fading.

We must both be dancing around our emotions here. She may or may not want to reconcile or she's just keeping in touch to get the rest of her stuff. She signed off in her email as "Your friend always" and that may be all she feels for me now. That would be OK. I am NOT the right guy for her. She deserves better than they way I treat her, even now...

I went to a Coyotes hockey game last night. I went with Ward and Chris, his girlfriend Donna and Donna's daughter Madison. We met Sheri and Bill at the The Yard House. I really like the Yard House because they have a tremendous selection of beers on tap. I paid cash for a couple of beers and when we sat down for dinner I didn't have much money.

I guess I was a bit drunk so instead of finding the nearest ATM I just offered to treat the whole table to dinner. It wasn't that expensive since some of the people only had soup or just a salad but it was sort of foolish of me to do that. I'm not sure if I was trying to buy their friendship, which is very silly since we're already friends, for the most part. I think it was partially that I didn't have enough cash on me and felt embarrassed to have to ask for some help. Either way it would be better to admit when I need help.

On the way home I did a much more stupid thing. I drove by Lidia's new place. She had sent me an email complaining about taking the Rav4 back to the shop because she was rear-ended again. I was curious to see how much damage there was. It was pretty late, around 11PM so I figured she would be asleep by then. It took a few minutes to figure out how to find it but when I finally drove by I didn't see her Rav4 anywhere.

I immediately started torturing myself and imagined that she was spending the night at a boyfriends house. I have no evidence where she might have been. She could have been staying with a friend, like Marty. She said, in the email, that her landlord is a crazy bitch and that she's thinking of moving out in 2 months, so maybe she's staying with a friend who she's moving out with.

But of course I would imagine that she's already seeing some new guy and that she's also spending a lot of time with him. That's how she acts in a relationship. I am feeling sad about it but not as much as I would have just a few weeks ago. This may be the sort of ending I need to let her go and move on.

Went to a singles event at an AZ Rattlers game. It was ok I guess. I met one woman named Laura, who was very pleasant to talk to but a little too hefty. That seems to be an on going theme. In all honesty, a lot of the men I see at these events are pretty hefty too. Don't people realize that it's much easier to attract a mate if you're in decent shape. I am working pretty hard to stay in shape and even to improve it.

So, I was picked in a raffle to do some sort of stunt on the field. It turned out to be a 3 legged race with this woman named Alice. We were up against 2 other couples. Alice assured me that she would do well. She used to run 3 legged races at family picnics. I thought she would be dragging me along. When the race began one of the other couples got in a good rhythm and sprinted ahead. Alice then basically gave up. She was a total disappointment but I was cool about it. At least we didn't fall on our faces, which is something that the event staff encouraged.

I wished I had not been picked because we spent all of the pre-game meeting time down near the field. I didn't get to talk to anyone else from the singles group. It was sort of a bust. I even left at half-time. At least the Rattlers were winning the game.

Ugh. I'm emailing Lidia again. At least, now I don't feel a tremendous urge to reconcile. It's only a mild urge right now. She sent me an email 2 days ago asking to get her furniture back in a couple of months. I told her of course, it would be alright. I didn't mention that it would be good for me too for her to get the rest of her stuff out.

Of course, I feel sad about this too. At first I got jealous. I thought she may be moving with a new guy but after I thought about it I realized that she, most likely, wouldn't need her furniture right away. I figure that she's moving in with a friend she met on one of her jobs.

She can really tug at my heartstrings. She told me that she got rear-ended in the Toyota yet again. She's going to take it back to the same body-shop where it was fixed the first time she got rear-ended. I feel so bad for her. She's had the worst luck with that car, starting from the fucked up initial dealings with the fucking sales manager at Right Toyota!

She also complained how she's working so much and how she's not feeling well either. I am really starting to feel sad for her. I know things have been rough for me emotionally these last 2 months but it seems things are worse for her. I have to admit though that this could be another attempt at her usual emotional manipulation. She may WANT me to feel sorry for her so I'll keep in touch. I think she may still feel that we could reconcile like her boss Allison did with her husband after a year long separation.

I also think about reconciling too sometimes but it would totally crazy right now. I know I still haven't changed much from when we were together and I don't think she's change any either. I would say that her attempts at manipulation would indicate that she hasn't.

There were definitely good points about our relationship and it's those I miss and I am discounting the bad points because of fears about a new relationship and a an underlying need to be in any relationship. I want to get healthy and happy by myself first and then find someone to love and who will love me in return. That may be Lidia but most likely it won't.

Well, Elaine replied to me about staying friends. She was cool with it. She said I am a lot of fun but that she didn't want to lead me on. She apologized again about having to use email to tell me. Given the way her marriage was, even though it was a long, long time ago, she obviously has problems with confrontation and just asserting herself, I think. I have those same problems too.

I still think about asking her what happened that night before the movie. Things seemed to be going great up until then. I know she likes to do things on Sunday afternoon, after church. I think I'll invite her over for an early dinner and maybe to watch a DVD. I'll get her a little liquored up and ask her what I said that made her pull back. I don't think I'll get the brutal truth but it would be something.

There is a karmic aspect to all this. I am now, sort of, in the same position as Mary Ann. She has the hots for me but I only want to be friends with her. Now the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak. I have the hots for Elaine but she only wants to be friends. It's cool with me. I think it can be a healthy thing to have a new female friend.

And who knows what the future holds. She may change her mind, however unlikely that may be, or she may have a single friend I may meet. Life is full of surprises...

Shit, I'm just starting to feel worse and worse. I am looking at this as another learning experience. I met a really nice woman and we went out a few times and generally had fun and great conversations. This shows me that I can meet interesting women who see me as a potential boyfriend.

This is pretty much how healthy dating works. You meet someone new. There's an initial attraction. You go out on a few dates. You get to know each other better. You decide if this person is someone you want to know more intimately or not. With Elaine, for whatever reason it was not.

It's far better to find out now when it's still early than go out and out and develop stronger feelings for her and then get dumped. There's definitely a bit of karma in this situation. I remember dating a woman named Theresa many years ago from the singles group. We went out about 4 or 5 times and she asked where this relationship was headed. I didn't have strong feelings for her so I told her that I wanted to just be friends.

This set her off and she yelled at me over the phone about how she wouldn't let a friend treat her this way. I think I had backed out of a date or something at the time. To her credit, she contacted me again a few months after her little outburst and when we met for lunch she asked me what went wrong. It was a very mature thing to do I thought. It was one reason I am going to try and stay friends with Elaine after all.

I think this strong emotion is partly based on my lack of sleep from last night and, of course, the sting of rejection. I also think that Lidia may be seeing someone from Ward's circle. He emailed me about whether I'm going to a happy hour next week. It made me suspicious that someone in the group mentioned that they are seeing her and to avoid seeing me. I feel bad that he may be stuck in the middle of my fucked up social life. The pessimist in me thinks it may be Scott.

So here I go torturing myself again. I have no evidence what so ever and I go right for the most hurtful explanation. I wish I could stop doing this. I need another rubber band, I think. Wow, am I glad that I'm going on vacation for a while next week. I really need to distract my thoughts. I am driving myself nuts.

It's good that I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow too. I'm tempted to call her this evening but I really want to practice my own self-help tools. I sure need the practice baby!

Damn, I feel a little wrung out now. I just sent an email to Elaine to disregard my previous email and asked her to remain friends. I did enjoy her company and I was probably coming across as desperate. I was really complimenting her a lot and it may have come off as insincere.

I would really like to talk with her to find out what went wrong. I would hope that she could be honest with me if she sees that I'm pretty harmless and willing to stay friends like a real adult.

It would be ironic if she really thought that I was not ever going to get married while I feel that she may be the type of woman that I would want to marry. Too funny!

I got pretty drunk last night thanks to my shitty coping skills, or lack there of. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings to play some trivia and drink. I had a good time. It was early and the place was pretty empty. The bad part was that I drank 5 pints. At least I had dinner before I left and drove home relatively sober. But then I started drinking more when I got home but I only had the slightest hangover this morning. I think my tolerance is returning. Not a good sign.

Well, I can't blame alcohol for the Elaine fiasco. I was definitely on my best behavior when ever we went out. So it was all on me.

My challenge is to be happy in my life by myself. When this happens I can find someone to share it with. I watched A Guide to Happiness again and it did drive home the message that the search for a mate is almost completely unrelated to being happy. In fact, more recent studies show that after a small bump in reported happiness, couples generally return to levels closer to how they felt before they got married. I think this helped me stay with Lidia for so long. I think I was generally happy before we met and I just need to remind myself that I can return to that state... eventually.

Dammit! It's over with Elaine. That sure didn't last long. She just broke up with me over email. She was at least apologetic about it. It's not cool to break up over email. She did the old let's be friends break up with out actually saying let's be friends. She wants to still go hiking sometime... yeah right that'll happen. At least she paid for our last dinner together.

I knew something changed on Tuesday but I thought I still had a chance after we had such a nice date on Sunday. Shit just what I needed, more rejection. I'm dying to know what happened to change her feelings toward me but I don't think it would do any good to ask her to tell me. She would most likely lie to spare my feelings or her own conscience.

At least I wasn't in too deep and this happened just as I was feeling that I was getting in too deep.

I've been thinking a lot about something my therapist brought up at our last session. I was talking about things I missed about Lidia and I was talking about how good a cook she was and how clean she kept the house. Then my therapist went back into her notes and repeated what I told Lidia a long, long time ago. I said that I didn't care at all about the cooking and cleaning that she did.

I think at the time I meant it but now I'm wondering if that's actually more important to me now. Maybe it's just a bit of sour grapes. You really can't miss something until it's gone. The difficult part is now I get confused again. I think that maybe Lidia was better for me than I ever thought. I sort of feel like I'm maturing more and certain things that I thought were unimportant are becoming more important.

I still have to accept that it's over but it's hard sometimes still. I'm definitely getting back into the habit of doing all my own cooking and cleaning now. I guess what brought this to the forefront was talking to Elaine last night.

I finally got her to come back to my place and I knew she was going to be impressed with all the nice furniture I have and mostly how clean it all is. Elaine immediately started saying that she was never going to invite me over to her place again. She was only half joking!

I still really like Elaine but now I wonder if she's right for me too. Of course I have no idea what she's like in bed so I can't really decide whether to stop seeing her or not yet. We still haven't even really kissed yet. I mean nothing very passionate. This is a warning sign to me. We've gone out 6 times now but I think it may be partly my fault. I think I need to get a little more aggressive when I kiss her. If it scares her away then so be it.

Had yet another great date with Elaine. I finally just said "fuck it" and didn't even mention how I felt on our last date. She even brought up how bad the movie was. It was funny.

I picked her up at 1pm to go to Herberger theater. We went to see the 2nd play in a trilogy. The play was called Augusta. Too bad we didn't catch the first play because I felt that this one was pretty bad. She was much more forgiving about the play than she was about the movie last week.

Elaine's been having one rough week. She did mention that Wednesday was good but she was feeling a bit depressed because she had a bad falling out with her close friend. She was supposed to play golf but something happened which she didn't elaborate and that didn't happen. She also told me that her trip to Vegas was off too. It was with the same woman. This happened the same week where her daughter called off her wedding and broke it off with her fiance.

After the play we came back to my place to have a glass of the Cols DuBois Pinot I bought. She got pretty tipsy and I wish I had taken a bit more advantage of it. We kissed once here but only because she was really unloading her feelings on me and it felt appropriate.

After the wine we went over to Pure Sushi for a great dinner. I stupidly left my wallet at home and she ended up paying for dinner. I felt totally stupid and cheap though when I saw that the meal ran to $96. Shit! That's what we get for ordering sashimi instead of the nigiri sushi. She was a good sport about it though. I tried to get her to let me pay her back later but she said no.

The sad part of the date was when I took her back to her place I was hoping to have a little make-out session but she saw that her daughter Amy was home. She told me to be careful but that Amy wouldn't think that this was a date since it was so early in the day. She also told me to duck if she threw anything. What a strange thing to say. I wonder if her daughters are very protective of her. It would be nice if they were but only to a certain extent.

Given the way things are going now though, I must admit that I will probably end up breaking things off with her. She has way too much drama in her life and she seems way too restrained in her emotions.

She explained a lot more about her marriage this time. Seems that she got married very young and her husband was an abuser. It was worse when he got drunk but he was abusive even when sober. He would hit her and often in the face but she covered up for him. The end came when he tried to strangle her. She sought counselling with him though and when he said he would do it again because she was his wife and that's the way it is, she decided to finally leave. After 16 fucking years of this. I really felt sad for her.

At least she's a totally different person now. She's grown so much since then. I hope she doesn't have huge, thick walls up. I really like her but I've pulled back a bit as well. I don't think I can keep seeing her without a more physically intimate relationship with her. YES, I'm talking about SEX!

Went out to a Suns game with Mary Ann last night. I would project something ironic in the fact that the Suns lost to Detroit but I just can't. It was a good game for the most part. The game was pretty close through the first 3 quarters.

We had such a good time together. I wish I was attracted to her physically. We would make a good couple now that she's not so critical of me and constantly relating how her marriage was so fucking wonderful. I invited her over for St. Patrick's day tonight if she's free. I do feel a little bad spending too much time with her though. I don't want to give her any false hopes of us getting back together.

A welcome surprise was when Sheri and Bill showed up. I met Sheri with Ward's singles group. She was the person who gushed about how good I look now that I've lost some weight. I've been wanting to see her again to get her number. She mentioned that she likes to try nice, new restaurants, just like me! I've wanted to ask her out ever since, now I have the opportunity. Of course, she's much, much taller than me. I wonder what her minimum height requirement is to ride the rides?

Today I'm going to an A2K event. Spring training baseball. Should be fun.

Tomorrow is my next date with Elaine. I'm a bit anxious about it but I have pretty much decided just to follow her lead. If it gets uncomfortable or worse, boring, I can end it.

Elaine just called. We're still on for Sunday and I'm inordinately happy. Here's another REBT situation. I am unhealthily happy I think. My happiness must come from within me not from some outside situation.

What's the IB???

I like Ealine so I'm happy when she "seems" to reciprocate that feeling.
-This is love slobism - The people I love, or like, MUST feel the same way!!

Of course this is patently false. Who knows what the fuck Elaine is feeling. I'm projecting my feelings on her and trying to guess what she's thinking or worse what she's feeling. That's a no-win game absolutely.

She didn't call last night at all and I didn't follow up either. I figure I'll let it slide tonight. I feel like such a coward, though. I'm going out with Mary Ann to a Suns game. It should be fun.

I plan on calling her later on Saturday. I will just ask her if she still wants to go to the play Sunday afternoon. I hope she does. I am not sure if I'll mention that I wanted to talk to her or if I'll just say something like, "we'll have plenty of time to talk on the way to the theater." Not sure about that phrasing though.

Of course she may say no to the theater and that would about do it for this relationship. That would be too bad, I was really starting to like her. I already liked her quite a bit, actually. I really wonder what happened Wednesday evening? She seemed very interested the Sunday we went to Benihana. It's funny, she likes to talk a lot but it's not about anyrhing very serious or about our relationship.

I wonder if Mary Ann would want to go on short notice. I think she might feel bad that's she's my back up date.

Well, I called her around 1:30pm and still no response as of 3:45pm. I know that she doesn't return phone calls sometimes anyway but this seems a bit more serious.

I briefly talked to my therapist over the phone before I called Elaine, and she agreed with Carmen that it's better to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Elaine didn't have much of a problem with me taking her out to nice restaurants often. In fact she was joking that she's going to be all thin and haggard by the time I get back from New Zealand. It was pretty funny at the time. I think this was before I dropped the bombshell, though. Damn it!

Once again, I must confess that I'm feeling a little weepy deep inside. It's less than it was before, luckily but still disconcerting none the less. No one likes rejection after all especially over a rather avoidable misstatement on my part.

I do think I was keeping the pace of our relationship rather slow and controlled but now that this has happened, I feel all the control went over to her. The ball's in her court, so to speak. I hope she hits back a softball...

I was talking to my friend Carmen about my issue with Elaine and she thinks I should call her and invite her to talk about what she's feeling. Oh boy, this is a tough predicament.

On the one hand, I would hate for Elaine to end our relationship over something I said when I really meant to say something else. I do really like her and think that this may be a good relationship to explore.

On the other hand, this seems like me repeating my pattern of getting involved too deep too soon. In this case I should wait until Sunday. If Elaine does call to cancel well, then it's her loss. Otherwise I can bring it up that she seemed uncomfortable after dinner Wednesday and if there's anything she would like to discuss about it.

I think I'll call my therapist during lunch to get some "phone" support first. I need some perspective because, honestly I feel more like I'm doing the second thing. I mean, we've only gone out 4 times now and while she seemed more eager on our third date, it should not be that big a deal if she decided to end it now. Otherwise, I'm in too deep.

That last paragraph seem to have an irrational belief. Why should it not be a big deal if she ends? This is a tough one. I need to look inside and see if this is a healthy feeling of regret and loss or if it's an unhealthy one of neediness and desperation. I think, it's the former and not the latter.

I still have a lot of things going on. I'm meeting Mary Ann for a Suns game tomorrow. Going to a couple of singles events next weekend. Then my big trip. Then, even after that, I'm going to try speed dating. Older men, younger women. How cool is that?