I spoke to Lidia today. I still have such strong feelings for her or maybe they're for our relationship and the good things about it. I do miss her cooking and cleaning a lot more than I thought I would. Heck I even miss the boring sex.

She's arranging to pick up the last of her stuff. This is a good thing for me to really get over her. Now I won't have to anticipate when she'll contact me again. We even spoke over the phone and got a little caught up in each others lives since she moved.

She said she's moving in with Shauna now that Shauna has to sell the house for the divorce. It's funny, they did not get along very well but I guess now they have more in common. She said that her landlord was asking for too much extra, like dog sitting, so she didn't want to stay there anymore.

I foolishly mentioned how much the things in my place remind me of her. She said she missed me too but that the break up was the right thing for us and she needed a commitment. I didn't want to get into another debate about our relationship so I just said I understood about her need for a commitment and that I was sorry for the bad ways I had treated her.

Truthfully, I don't think I could ever commit to her while she still has so many issues concerning her 2 ex husbands, along with our issues with intimacy. How could I fully commit when she was trying to get back with her first husband not 4 or 5 months after she moved in. She was still at it 2 years into our relationship and she was still hung up about her 2nd husband during all this time too.

I guess she felt she couldn't be honest with me about those things. She was rightly concerned that I would end the relationship if I knew the truth about her feelings. She's really being disingenuous going into serious relationships with those issues unresolved, for the most part.

I do feel cheated and so confused why I still have such feelings for her. I guess 3 years was more than enough time for me to really love her even as I was trying to push her away and constantly break it off with her. I know part of my problem is that I'm finding it difficult to meet someone new that I'm really attracted to like I was for her. Not to mention that it would be nice if they were attracted to me too.