This is my last entry in this blog. This break up is over and I will start a new blog for my life beyond this relationship. It's kind of scary though that this blog is the largest one I have. My breakup was worse than my relationship, it seems. That may explain why I stuck it out far longer than I should have.

I do feel sad and angry at how she acted after she moved out. She lied about almost everything she told me. She said she wants to be friends but I feel that is impossible given how she could lie to me so easily and so often. This behavior is unacceptable from anyone. I won't be friends with someone who can lie to me so easily. And, of course, she's never apologized for any of this.

She burned any bridge that there might have been between us. Right to the ground! But I am sad. I really would have liked to be friends, eventually.

I am still sad about us but I know that will fade with time. I'm sad about what might have been. I do hope she finds inner peace but it will probably elude her for the rest of her life. She keeps looking outside of herself for something that only comes from within.

I am sad about the loss of her friendship. She is a nice person underneath the lies and manipulation. She just makes a lot of bad decisions. Some of those decisions led her to lie to me over and over again. You don't lie to your friends that way!

Maybe, just maybe, in the far, far future, we can reconnect and discuss what went wrong with us and maybe I can help her see that she really needs some sort of help.

I've gone back over my entries here and I see how hard I was on myself. I feel almost foolish for some of the things I wrote. It's because of what I learned that Lidia was doing during the same time period. She was already in a new relationship early on while I was doing some real difficult soul searching. I was tearing myself up over whether we would reconcile and she was lying to me about what she was going through.

I am so hard on myself, as if I could have fixed this. I relied a lot on what she told me and that was mostly false. This sums up what much of our relationship was like. I was trying so hard to do the right things and make things work but she wasn't. She told me she was but for whatever reason she didn't. I truly don't wish her any ill will and I do feel sad and sorry for her.

I forgive myself for all the mis-steps I've made. I forgive myself for all the hurts I've inflicted upon her and myself. I forgive myself for being so gullible about what she told me during our relationship and after she moved out. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to end it early on. Truly, it wasn't all bad. We both just couldn't grow enough for each other. I let her go...

Okay, I'm done. To follow my new bolg click Here.

How funny in a sad, sad way. After my last session I found out quite a bit about Lidia's new BF. She's jumping in again way before she knows if they're really compatible or not. She says they're very compatible and maybe they are but moving in together is probably not a good way to find out for sure. It's how they deal with conflict that will really determine if they can live together for the long term.

Of course she's so passive-aggressive that she'll pretty much swallow any grief he gives her and then she'll spend her time sulking and making him feel guilty. She's good at that, I should know. And in the end, when they eventually split, she'll say that they were the ones who couldn't make it work because she was not the one who broke it off. Like lying to and deceiving her BF is any way to make a relationship work. She must be so good at convincing herself that she's in the right. That she's always the victim. No wonder she feels like she doesn't have any control of her life and that she often doesn't feel so good about herself. Again, I feel so sorry for her.

She also told my therapist that her new BF isn't very interested in sex. She said that that was a big relief. She doesn't have to worry about him wanting it all the time. That came as a small surprise to me. She would continually manipulate me with the lure of passionate sex. She said that she wanted to grow and explore her sexuality with me but now it seems she just isn't interested in sex very much at all. I sort of knew that very soon after we moved in together. It's just not in her and she's not interested in changing that.

This leads me to believe that she's very afraid of deep intimacy as well. Good sex can foster that deep, deep bond between two people. It's what I really wanted for both of us but she kept avoiding it. She wants a relationship at any cost except at the cost of getting to close to someone who may hurt you. It's a no-win proposition for her and I feel very, very sad for her.

Almost everything she said to me was a lie.

• She said "we could date" even after she moved out.
• Working so much she doesn't have time to date.
• Working so much she's so stressed out.
• Working so much her body is aching.
• Spending her week off with Celia.
• Only saw/dated her BF on Saturdays.
• He was independent - out of town a lot.
• He was not there enough for her.
• Not sure if he's "the one"
• Doesn't know if he even wants to move in together - big lie.
• Moving in with Shauna - big lie!

I think what's the most shocking, sad and hurtful thing I've learned about Lidia is the ease that she lies with. She can easily and fully justify her bad behavior so that she finds lying to someone you "truly care about" is the right thing to do! She has no empathy for others. She has no ability to look at things from any other viewpoint but her own. She's so selfish and self-centered. Even when she's being giving and supportive it is mostly because she realizes she HAS to do that sort of thing to stay in the relationship, any relationship. She's so fucked up inside it's so, so sad...

Now, thinking about all her emails since we broke up. I can see that she had cheated on me even before we broke up. That lie she told about getting a massage was probably the only time I caught her. She must have been seeing him since November. That's when she lied about the massage.

I know she must have been seeing him because she emailed me in February that she was going to move out of the room she was renting. She told me a bullshit story about how her land-lady expected her to dog sit and to live somewhere else when her son came to visit.

Then in early April she called to tell me she was picking up her stuff later in the month because she was going to move in with her co-worker Shauna. Holy crap. If she had started seeing Will in February then they decided to move in together after only 2 months of dating.

I am totally shocked at how little I really knew her. She had told me how badly her first two husbands had treated her and I thought that she wouldn't do to me what they did to her, CHEAT! I was so wrong, I see that now.

OK, the first two times with Eric and Scott were not technically cheating since we were on a break and I hope she waited till we were separated to screw Will. How scared of being alone she must be. She can't even wait a day to jump right into another relationship and she uses sex to get the guy interested in her. That's how it was with me!

I remember our second date when I met her at her place to pick her up. She was still getting ready so I was inside waiting. I heard her get a phone call and it was her most recent ex. She was still breaking it off with him even as we had already gone out.

I didn't even like her all that much back then but I believed what she said! Man, I was so gullible!

Okay, at the very least my suspicions were confirmed. I just read that Lidia has moved in with her new boyfriend. I fucking wonder whose idea that was? At least she waited a couple more months than she did with me. She said that they're very compatible which is exactly what she said about us during the first months we started living together. Well with us, we started having problem in just a few months of living together. I do wish her all the best though and that she finds what she's looking for.

In her prior email Lidia said that she feels better about herself. Which is easy when you have someone to be with. The beginnings of relationships are always the best part. You feel wanted and possibly loved but it can be because you are doing and saying things just so the other person will like you. It's sort of like a sales pitch.

She said she feels more in control of her life but I totally don't understand that when she's in such a hurry to move in with someone that she may not really know so well. That's not my idea of being in control of your own life. She has such co-dependency issues and add to that her preoccupation with her finances it just drives her to find someone to cling to.

And you've got to wonder just how honest she was with him? I mean they met at her massage job. I saw his name on one of her pay sheets from back in November, it may have been earlier even. We were still a couple then although, I know she was already looking at getting out. This was the time she was talking to Ron a lot. I figure she never told him we were living together as a couple. I bet she told him that we were just roommates, that is, if she said anything at all about her living situation. She had hidden all the photos of us together over New Years. What kind of a relationship can she expect if it starts out with her being so deceptive and yes, dishonest?

I will admit that I'm hurt and angry. The hurt comes from me being replaced so quickly. It seems to me that she just jumps right into the arms of the first guy who's nice to her. I know I would be dating Elaine right now if things had gone just a little different but I highly doubt that I would be anywhere near as far along as Lidia is with Will.

The anger comes from all the lies and deceptions that Lidia made during our relationship. She justifies it by saying that I lied to her about security, improving things and, of course, quitting drinking but I didn't lie about any of those things. Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean I lied about wanting to do them. I can say with a completely clear conscience, that I tried! Because I failed doesn't mean I lied about it! So did she lie when she said she wanted to make things better and she didn't? Did she lie when she said she wanted to practice oral sex and she didn't? Did she lie when she said that she wanted to have passionate sex with me and she didn't? You could use that excuse for anything that the other person said but didn't follow through on.

Pretty much everything she told me since she moved out was bullshit! That's lying! When she says she's moving in with her co-worker but she's really moving in with her boyfriend. THAT"S A FUCKING LIE! I do feel sorry for her. I imagine she's very confused inside eve though she doesn't realize it and doesn't understand why her relationships go so wrong. I guess it's not as obvious to her as it is to me that she's doing the same thing over and over again. Maybe, just maybe, she found the right person this time.

I can't believe that she was so afraid of me that she felt she had to lie. In fact I would have told her to get her stuff out sooner! Mary Ann had told me that I was stupid for letting her store her stuff here. Man, she was so right. If Lidia had taken her stuff when she first moved out, she could have taken the secretary! Ha-Ha!

So why the fuck did she keep contacting me? Why did she tell what she was doing and how hard she was working and how she had no time to do anything but work? Why did she want copies of that CD? Even toward the end she could have just emailed me that she wanted her stuff. Why call me directly and tell me such a blatant lie? She really is messed up inside!

So, on the lighter side of this story:

1. At least I probably don't have to envy them for having killer sex. Nothing kills passion like co-habitation. Yeah, couples have more frequent sex but singles have the more passionate sex.

2. If I want her back I just have wait a couple of years or so. Divorce is higher among those who live together first and co-habitators are more likely to split than to marry. See Here

Just finished loading the truck with the last of Lidia's stuff. Once again I am feeling very, very sad but at least it's not that over-riding weepiness that I felt earlier in this break up. I am doing much better I just want this feeling to be over though.

This is where I start scaring myself. I hate feeling this way so much that I vow never to get into another serious relationship again. Then I worry that I'll never meet anyone as nice as the person I just broke up with, Lidia in this case. And then I latch onto the first woman who seems interested in me. Before I am sure that we should get serious.

I practically guarantee that I'm going to repeat this same pattern over and over. Now's the time to do things right. I want to fix what's wrong inside me and then go looking for someone that I can be happy with and who I can make happy by just being myself!

I did try and engage Marty with a question about where Lidia was going to be staying. He did the decent thing and declined to say. I asked if it was true that she moving in with Shauna. I find that hard to believe since she didn't like Shauna very much and Shauna has 2 young kids. I could have phrased it differently to make it obvious that I thought she was moving with her new BF but I didn't want to put too much pressure on Marty.

I told him that I was keeping the secretary because she broke an agreement we had. I think she may justify it in the way she phrased her response to me. She said "I didn't date Will while I was living there with you." I wasn't "there" over the New Year holiday. Well there I go grasping at straws again. It's so pointless too because she's gone. NEVER TO RETURN!

I'm waiting for Marty to come by and take the last of Lidia's stuff. I am feeling pretty sad right now but that's super normal, I think. I wish I could really stay angry at her for the emotional shit that she put me through. It would help me to get past her and this whole situation.

But I can't stay angry. I keep thinking that maybe I'm wrong about a lot of what I was suspicious about but then I think back to all the clues and evidence and it just seems so obvious that she was at least, doing something against our relationship the last few months we were together.

And come on, she went out with Will over New Year's. That was a DATE! Then I notice, she took all the pictures of us together down. The one of her alone was gone. Something happened between the two of them in her bedroom! I wish I could talk to Marty and find out what he knows.

Once again I notice that just as I'm starting to feel good again and ready to just live my life. She does something to contact me and I get myself all worked up over her again!

I definitely do it to myself too. How can I stop it? Well now that there's no reason for her to contact me I can just let time run it's course. My feelings were fading and I just need to be patient and let her go.

Well, now I'm second guessing all my suspicions about Lidia's actions, especially during the last few months of our relationship. She sounds very understanding in her email and I start to feel like I misjudged her. I think it derives from the massive guilt I got when I would verbally abuse her. I would always feel so bad about it afterwards. Like I need to make it up to her to show her how sorry I am.

What's really bothering me is that I have no real proof about any of my suspicions. My belief that she may have slept with Will in her room is based on such flimsy evidence that I am probably just grasping at paranoiac straws.

What I am pretty confident about is when she said she wore that sexy little black skirt to go to the movies with her friend Diane. There's no fucking way any woman would wear something like that just to go to the movies with a girlfriend. She said they went to see the James Bond movie. That is NOT a chick-flick.

It's most likely her lying by omission. Sure, Diane may have gone but I would bet a lot that there was a guy involved and it was most likely Will. I do know that she did cover some other things up from me and definitely lied by omission so I feel pretty justified there. She definitely tried to keep the news of her dating from me, too.

This is what's driving me crazy. I have all these suspicions but they are all so circumstantial, for the most part. I would like to get some validation on whether I was right or wrong. It's funny that I never felt I had to spy on my previous girlfriends. This was an issue only with her.

But on the other hand, she's only human. I told some lies to her on occasion. I am not immune from doing the same things. I guess it's a matter of degree and what exactly the person is lying about. One of her lies by omission is that when she went to sleep with Scott she told me that she was going to stay with her friend Celia. That was only partly true and if I had know what she was planning at the very beginning I am pretty sure I would have gone through with the break up. This would have spared me another year of frustration and suspicions.

Maybe it's better not to know some things. I mean it hurt me so bad to find out she had been with another guy barely a week or two after I broke it off. It won't really help me feel better about breaking up with her if I learn that she was more deceptive and duplicitous than I've discovered. I should just focus on getting past all this hurting and blaming and anger. It's over and I don't think I've yet let myself believe that fully. Getting rid of the last of her stuff will be big help there, I hope!

I think this is another issue that I want to work on. I really don't argue fairly with my mate. I want to learn the skills of fighting fair. Anger does have it's place but someone I love does not deserve to be berated and verbally assaulted. I really want to change that about myself.

Here I am playing armchair psychiatrist. This is about Lidia's statement that she wanted to grow with me sexually but that when her needs weren't met she couldn't really do it. She actually put it something more like "passionate sex." I'm writing about this because when we talked a couple of days ago, she again dangled the promise of passionate sex in front of me. I am very vulnerable to this tactic too!

First of all, I'm sure she was totally sincere about wanting to have "passionate sex" with me. What I think is that she doesn't realize that her needs will probably never be met adequately enough for this to happen. What I mean is that when we first got together and I explained how I would like our sex life to be, she was all for it. When the time came for her to live up to her words, she found any excuse to avoid actually doing anything about it. How could I ever meet her need for commitment if that meant marriage? We hadn't known each other long enough to make that sort of decision.

I need to watch myself from getting drawn back in to all this manipulation. I feel a strong urge to email her and point out the progression of the decline of our sex life and that it was mostly due to her. I will admit that when my frustration got the better of me I would turn into quite an asshole towards her. Again, I'm sure she was sincere that she wanted to try and work it out, but there's something in her messed up head that was getting in the way.

This seems evident from all the things that happened during the course of our relationship. She was, at first, vehemently opposed to sexy lingerie. Damn, that's a very mild kink too. She didn't want to kiss in the morning because of "morning breath." Then she didn't want to french kiss, "it's like sticking a piece of liver in your mouth!" Then she told me I was wasting my time fondling her breasts, it didn't "do" anything for her and so on and so on. Instead of expanding, our sexual repertoire was shrinking! That's pretty fucked up.

When I tried asking her what could we do to make it better, her reasons kept changing depending on what the issue was at the time. At first, it was that she just needed more time. Then she was too tired from working so much. Then her body ached too much. Then I was pressuring her too much. Then I was drinking too much. Then she didn't have enough security or commitment in our relationship and then there were others that I'm sure I have forgotten. I'm sure she would have thought up even more reasons why she wasn't motivated as time went on. She sure was getting good at finding them.

It was always something and it would always be something. She just wasn't interested enough in sex to work on this issue. She knew it was important to me so she sincerely wanted to try but it wasn't a big deal for her so why not use it to get all the things she really craved?

I'm sure she saw that I would pretty much do what she asked if she would promise to work on it but then she wouldn't work on it or she would mostly, just go through the motions. I figure she was torn, she wanted to please me sexually but doing it this way was dirty and perverted. She would much rather have cooked me a nice dinner, I think. Or maybe, she just wasn't into it much at all but she had to do it to keep the relationship going. That may be more likely, unfortunately, since she's sleeping with her new boyfriend even though she told me they may never marry and he's not there for her as much as she wants! So, they're probably not having passionate sex either or all her reasons are just manipulative bullshit!

I don't think I, or anyone for that matter, could ever satisfy her needs enough to make her feel secure. That kind of security must come from within. At least she hinted in her last email to me that she is feeling more secure, or in control of her life, but then she also laments that she is living under somebody elses roof. (I do wonder if it's really with Shauna, though.)

Maybe there's some hope for her. I truly do wish her the best. I have expressed a lot of anger towards her but she is, without doubt, a good person who deserves to be happy. As do I!

I should have known it. I just got a reply from Lidia and she seems so reasonable and even put upon that I'm angry at her. It makes me feel guilty about all the hostility I displayed in my message to her and even in my private blog.

I just need to remind myself that she did lie to me. She had gone to lunch when I was in Vegas and she told me that she had gone with Marty but she conveniently neglected to mention that her friend Wally was there too.

I confronted her about it and she said something like, "Do I have to tell you everyone I meet for lunch?" I told her no but if I ask her directly who she went to lunch with it's a lie to not tell me who she went with. I asked her if it was me who had gone to lunch and she found out that it was with a female friend that she didn't know, how would she feel about it. She then, finally, admitted that it would bother her but she never admitted that she had done something wrong and she never said she was sorry!

There were other situations like that not even considering the crap she did when we broke up early in 2006. I can understand that she did what she did because she thought we were really breaking up but it's what she did right after that hurt me so much. It's the whole shit with Scott and the bullshit she pulled to make me jealous. There's really no other good explanation other than she wanted to make me jealous. I mean why mention to me that she was getting a yeast infection and could it have been caused by latex?! Fuck That!

Or even now. Why keep contacting me when she's already dating and not mention it? Why keep hinting that she's so busy working that she doesn't have time to do much else, like date someone? Why do I let myself get so worked up over this? It's OVER!

Well, I was going to start making excuses for her because, maybe, a lot of what she does is unintentional. So to be angry at her would be like getting angry at termites for eating your house. It's what they do! But that means I must do something too. You can't just let them keep eating your house. That's crazy!

That's why she keeps dangling the promise of passionate sex in front of me. It's her best tool to get me to do what she wants. She may be clueless about many things but emotional manipulation is her best skill. She's an Evil Genius in that category. My problem is that I keep falling for it. It works on me. But, I really can't fault myself for that. I mean, it's a good thing when you want to make passionate love to the woman you love!

Then I got to thinking about what she said when we talked about how the last couple of months of our relationship were pretty crazy. Maybe they were crazy for her but not for me. I got to thinking about that blatant lie she told about getting a massage. I really let her off the hook on that one. I WANTED to believe her.

Now, I realize that it probably wasn't as harmless as I tried to convince myself it was. I bet, again with not much evidence, that she cheated on me. It was probably with Will too. Fuck you for that too, you lying piece of shit!

She's a cheater and a liar and I am much better off without her in my life. I'm hurting again for lots of reasons, one being that I still miss her, but it's getting better and better and I just need more time.

She's fucking with me by keeping in contact. I told her no contact unless it's an emergency. Like getting a fucking copy of that CD was an emergency? Then when I ask to meet face to face she blows me off! It's lucky that we didn't meet though, I would have probably asked her if we could start dating. She suggested that we could date even after she moved out. But that turned into bullshit too. She was already fucking someone by the time she started contacting me.

Of course, she's moving on. That's a lot easier when you're already in another relationship. Even if it's not what you really want. This is something I really can't blame her for though. I would be doing the same thing if things with Elaine had gone differently but then I wouldn't be sending her messages! The fucking BITCH!

I'm being too hard on myself. I can't just get rid of the positive feelings I still have for her by being angry at her. The anger is good to express, to validate that it exists with me and that I am fully justified in feeling it. The same goes for the love I still have for her and guilt I have at the way I treated her sometimes and the grief I have at the death of our relationship.

I so want to keep confronting her about the shit she lied to me about, especially what happened over New Year's and where she was when she was supposed to be getting that massage. It really pisses me off that she could do those things to me. I would have thought she wouldn't do that shit because of how she felt when it was done to her! I so want to know the truth but I never will. She'll just keep lying and denying and there's nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to make her tell me the truth.

I just have to be strong. I will not reply to any of her messages except maybe to tell her to leave me alone. It's hard for me because I still love her but it's the only thing I can do. Just like breaking up with her was the only thing I could do given where we were going and how we were treating each other. She's an asshole for trying to just stick it out. But then again at the end she was really pushing me away in her usual passive aggressive manner. She wanted to get caught lying and cheating. Fuck her!

Damn. So here's a thought from the Devil's Advocate side of my brain. (I wish that fucker would just shut the fuck up!)

Is she really so thoughtless that she leaves all these fucking clues around that she's cheating on me?

I mean I busted her cleanly when she lied about getting a massage but she continued to deny it. I even listened to her voice mail. She could have easily erased them right after listening to them! She had no other way to explain why her car wasn't out front either so it was easy to see that parking in back was a lie too.

She said she did the laundry on Tuesday but she left her dirty clothes in the hamper 3 days after she said she had worn them. They were the only things in the fucking hamper!

I can only conclude that she wanted to get caught. Like some fucking psycho, serial killer who knows they're doing something bad but they can't stop themselves.

Maybe, she realized that our relationship was way beyond repair but didn't have the spine to end it.

The flaw here is then why, oh why, didn't she leave the first time I ended it? Why didn't she leave the second time?

Even this last, final time she hinted that she thought we might reunite a year or so later, just like her boss Dr. Allison and Allison's husband did. She mentioned a few times that they were separated for almost a year but they reconciled when Bill, the husband started taking anti-ADD medication! But, in our case, she's the one who needs medication and I need to quit drinking.

Man, I wonder what the fuck goes on in that brain of hers! She's either an Evil Genius or Totally Clueless!

To my audience of, hopefully, one, I fully realize how hostile this all reads and I want to reassure you that I would never abuse her physically nor verbally, though I've done that before. I will admit that I do so want to cuss her out!

I would like to write her one last email laying out what my suspicions are. I would not use a single curse word but I would necessarily, call her a cheater and a liar. I also want to tell her that I never, ever want to see her again and the she can't set foot in my house again nor her new boyfriend. She would have to send Marty and Neal only to pick up her stuff.

I want to discuss this.

It's 3am and I can't sleep. No surprise there but I have been thinking about the last few months we were still together. I had totally busted her telling me a lie. She said she went to get a massage one day after work. I was on my way home and decided to drive by Massage Envy. I didn't see her car out front. I knew her voice mail code so I called it to see if she had any messages and Massage Envy had left a message that she had missed her appointment.

At the time I thought she was seeing Ron for dinner. I thought that she was talking to him because this was right after I came back from Vegas and I had checked her phone bill and saw she had called him a few times late at night when I was away.

I confronted her about it but she said that the receptionist had got the appointment wrong and that all the massage employees were supposed to park in the back. I knew that was total bullshit because she never parked in the back and I drove by one day afterward and she was parked out front! I now seriously think that she was seeing Will for a date.

She's a lying, cheating piece of shit and now I want to hurt her back. I want to keep the stupid, fucking secretary and just tell her to get her old pieces of shit furniture out of here. I want to tell her that Will can't come in to my place. She can send Marty and Neal to get the last of her shit and that's it. I want to tell her to go fuck herself and that I never want to see her face again!

What drives me nuts is this is exactly the kind of shit she complained that Mark did to her. It's why she still is angry toward him. She was so hurt that he didn't talk to her but did all his shit in Korea and behind her back. And on top of that, she's fucking Will and she doesn't know if they're going to marry. She said that she thought I was the one but she says she has no idea what's going to happen with Will in the future. And yet it's okay to fuck him! What a complete fucking hypocrite!

Even more bullshit was the few times we did talk she would heavily imply that she didn't have much of a social life because she was working so much. It may all be circumstantial but it all makes sense in a twisted, fucked up way. She was ready to leave me a while ago but she couldn't until she had someone else lined up to be with. It's why she wouldn't meet me face to face. What a sad, pathetic, little person she is. Now I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

Then, on our call yesterday, she was complaining how Ed was still cheating on his wife. That he cheated on her when they were engaged and that he's still cheating on her. She said that he's disgusting but she cheated on me. Maybe not technically but at the very least she completely violated our agreement. She agreed not to date anyone until after she had moved out. She lied. That agreement was broken before we even made it. Fuck, I am so hurt and angry!

Well one good thing I noticed, at least it's way more anger than hurt. Maybe I'll hurt more later but it's almost surprising how little feeling I still have for her after all the pieces finally came together. Right now I just want her out of my life!