Well, now I'm second guessing all my suspicions about Lidia's actions, especially during the last few months of our relationship. She sounds very understanding in her email and I start to feel like I misjudged her. I think it derives from the massive guilt I got when I would verbally abuse her. I would always feel so bad about it afterwards. Like I need to make it up to her to show her how sorry I am.

What's really bothering me is that I have no real proof about any of my suspicions. My belief that she may have slept with Will in her room is based on such flimsy evidence that I am probably just grasping at paranoiac straws.

What I am pretty confident about is when she said she wore that sexy little black skirt to go to the movies with her friend Diane. There's no fucking way any woman would wear something like that just to go to the movies with a girlfriend. She said they went to see the James Bond movie. That is NOT a chick-flick.

It's most likely her lying by omission. Sure, Diane may have gone but I would bet a lot that there was a guy involved and it was most likely Will. I do know that she did cover some other things up from me and definitely lied by omission so I feel pretty justified there. She definitely tried to keep the news of her dating from me, too.

This is what's driving me crazy. I have all these suspicions but they are all so circumstantial, for the most part. I would like to get some validation on whether I was right or wrong. It's funny that I never felt I had to spy on my previous girlfriends. This was an issue only with her.

But on the other hand, she's only human. I told some lies to her on occasion. I am not immune from doing the same things. I guess it's a matter of degree and what exactly the person is lying about. One of her lies by omission is that when she went to sleep with Scott she told me that she was going to stay with her friend Celia. That was only partly true and if I had know what she was planning at the very beginning I am pretty sure I would have gone through with the break up. This would have spared me another year of frustration and suspicions.

Maybe it's better not to know some things. I mean it hurt me so bad to find out she had been with another guy barely a week or two after I broke it off. It won't really help me feel better about breaking up with her if I learn that she was more deceptive and duplicitous than I've discovered. I should just focus on getting past all this hurting and blaming and anger. It's over and I don't think I've yet let myself believe that fully. Getting rid of the last of her stuff will be big help there, I hope!

I think this is another issue that I want to work on. I really don't argue fairly with my mate. I want to learn the skills of fighting fair. Anger does have it's place but someone I love does not deserve to be berated and verbally assaulted. I really want to change that about myself.