Up early for river raft tour. Guide was hard on Nikki. She had trouble with some of the commands and concepts.

Boat flipped on 7m (21ft) waterfall. I bumped my head on the side of the raft and then pulled myself up. Got a little panicked.

Finished rest of the river with no problems.

Next went mountain biking w/Dale, Consuelo, Lynn, and Nikki. Awesome scenery. I was navigating but got us lost for a bit. We got back in plenty of time for drinks near the hotel.

Stayed up late in the hotel bar. Played pool and drank a lot. Got stupid drunk but no one seemed to notice!

First day. Got off plane at 6:30AM local time. Went to hotel to leave off bags. The entire group hopped onto city tour buses. I hooked up with my roommate for a bit and then he left for the aquarium. I spent the rest of the day with Brendon.

We went to the New Zealand museum for a short while but we barely scratched the surface. You could spend a few days here easily. We only had a short time because we wanted to catch the satellite bus to see more of Auckland. It's quite a big bustling city.

We got off the bus in Parnel for lunch. The waitress put our seats in front of the kitchen exit and the chef really let her have. Afterward she went into the kitchen and gave the chef a piece of her mind. It was pretty funny. The girl was all of 5 feet tall and the chef was w burly Italian guy! I got to know some of my fellow travellers better during lunch. It was a very nice afternoon.

After lunch the bus company picked us up to take us back to the hotel. The rooms still weren't ready. We hung out in the bar and had a few drinks. I was pretty tired from the long, long flight so I didn't drink too much.

After we got into our rooms, it took the hotel quite a long time to get all our baggage sorted out. I then met Brendon in the lobby and we went for a walk. We walked down to the beach and took a few pictures.

I don't remember now what we did for dinner. I went to bed pretty early too.

Went to the airport at 7:30pm Wednesday 3/28. I had no real idea what to expect. There were a bunch of people standing around waiting to get in the check in line. I didn't see anyone I knew, which was not at all surprising.

I went ahead and checked in on my own. I saw some people standing around the front of the check in area, so I went over and introduced myself. I met Tara and some others. Tara said she wanted to pick up a book for the the flight and I asked if I could tag along because I discovered that the huge book I had brought with me, I left at my sister's place.

She was nice and all but I didn't feel much of any interest from her. I followed her to the convenience store and bought a couple of books for the flight. I bumped into the guy I was going to be rooming with. His name is Ron and he seemed like a pretty nice guy.

The flight over was pretty dang boring but I found myself sitting next to another group member named Brendon. He had just gotten divorced from his 2nd wife. He even had the "Dear John" letter she wrote him. I just happened to look over his shoulder as he was reading it. He is a defense attorney in Bend Oregon and he actually works on death penalty cases, which I found quite impressive.

Behind our row was this younger woman. I thought she was pretty cute but I wasn't sure if she was in our singles group. She was watching Borat on the in flight movie service. (The entertainment system was pretty damn impressive on this flight.) She was totally cracking up at the movie. I found out soon that she was with our group. She is the youngest and cutest of our group by far.

More on her later...

I just can't talk to or have contact with Lidia. I feel pretty sad again about our break up. I tried to be nice about her accident and allowing her to get her furniture whenever she wants. I didn't think it would be a big deal anyway. Now, I feel guilty about calling her a liar about her car getting hit. I really don't know what to think about that but why did she tell me in two separate emails that she'd taking it to Rick's Body Shop on Raintree.

She may have unconsciously wanted me to feel sorry for her and it fucking worked. I felt bad about checking on her but I was really curious to see how much damage there was and if it may have affected her physically. Then I put myself in a position to feel guilty about how I responded. I even wanted to see her face to face for many reasons. Not the least of which was to see how I felt around her physically and, yes, to give her a chance to come on to me. (Or maybe me to her.)

I again felt sad that that didn't happen. She obviously doesn't want to see me face to face. I've definitely given her a couple of opportunities to do so. So, even though she seems to be staying away physically, she's still staying in touch through email and text. I am glad that I'll be completely out of touch for almost 2 weeks.

My feelings are slowly fading but every time she contacts me I feel that I fall right back into those feelings of loss, sadness, loneliness and abandonment! I wonder how she's feeling?

I just left a message on Lidia's voicemail. My voice cracked a bit with emotion. I apologized for the misunderstanding on my part. I told her that I still had strong feelings for her and that I really went to see if the car was badly damaged and if so I would have asked if she was hurt at all.

When I saw the car it had no damage visible. I felt very manipulated. I told her, and she agreed that we wouldn't contact each other for at least 3 months. That lasted maybe 2 weeks. I start to wonder if she's moving on or waiting for me to ask her back but when I make a move to see her in person, she always puts me off. As a result, I have no idea what she's going through.

She just sent me a text telling me to have a nice trip. Once again, this was after I said in my message that we shouldn't contact each other for a while. I told her to just contact me when she's ready to get her furniture. I was hoping that she would leave me alone and give me enough of a call ahead to get anything ready for her to take.

I'm definitely still hung up about her but this really shows that I just don't have any trust in her and that I would surely start treating her badly again. I don't want to do that to her and it's not any fun for me either. How can I think I care about her so much if I treat her like shit sometimes?

I took Mary Ann out for dinner last night. I wanted to go someplace nice so I took her to the Capital Grille. It was very good but they charred my steak a little too much. She again came on strong when we got back to my place. She tried to french kiss me again.

The bad part is that Lidia called me back and got upset that I basically called her a liar about her car getting hit. She was right to be upset. I should not have called her out like that. I did feel that she was being manipulative. When I read her emails it seemed like a big accident but when I went to see the car I could not even see a scratch.

This is the pattern of our entire relationship in miniature. So now according to this pattern I feel I should apologize. I do still care for her but I think that the major feeling of neediness is really receding. I am feeling sad right now but it's not as strong as it was even a week or so ago. I feel really stupid getting all worked up about her again. Even if I got back with her, everything would be exactly the same. I haven't changed anywhere near enough to handle the frustration I feel. I still need to work on myself before I can meet someone who I can truly love.

I so want to move past all this but there's something there that still wants to get back with her. I sort of feel that she's reaching out to me and when it seems she's not I get upset. When I called her the first time, I asked if she wanted to meet face to face. She said that she has plans for today with her friend Celia. I felt rejected. Why do I do this to myself? I just need to hold on to the feeling that my feelings for her ARE fading.

We must both be dancing around our emotions here. She may or may not want to reconcile or she's just keeping in touch to get the rest of her stuff. She signed off in her email as "Your friend always" and that may be all she feels for me now. That would be OK. I am NOT the right guy for her. She deserves better than they way I treat her, even now...

I went to a Coyotes hockey game last night. I went with Ward and Chris, his girlfriend Donna and Donna's daughter Madison. We met Sheri and Bill at the The Yard House. I really like the Yard House because they have a tremendous selection of beers on tap. I paid cash for a couple of beers and when we sat down for dinner I didn't have much money.

I guess I was a bit drunk so instead of finding the nearest ATM I just offered to treat the whole table to dinner. It wasn't that expensive since some of the people only had soup or just a salad but it was sort of foolish of me to do that. I'm not sure if I was trying to buy their friendship, which is very silly since we're already friends, for the most part. I think it was partially that I didn't have enough cash on me and felt embarrassed to have to ask for some help. Either way it would be better to admit when I need help.

On the way home I did a much more stupid thing. I drove by Lidia's new place. She had sent me an email complaining about taking the Rav4 back to the shop because she was rear-ended again. I was curious to see how much damage there was. It was pretty late, around 11PM so I figured she would be asleep by then. It took a few minutes to figure out how to find it but when I finally drove by I didn't see her Rav4 anywhere.

I immediately started torturing myself and imagined that she was spending the night at a boyfriends house. I have no evidence where she might have been. She could have been staying with a friend, like Marty. She said, in the email, that her landlord is a crazy bitch and that she's thinking of moving out in 2 months, so maybe she's staying with a friend who she's moving out with.

But of course I would imagine that she's already seeing some new guy and that she's also spending a lot of time with him. That's how she acts in a relationship. I am feeling sad about it but not as much as I would have just a few weeks ago. This may be the sort of ending I need to let her go and move on.

Went to a singles event at an AZ Rattlers game. It was ok I guess. I met one woman named Laura, who was very pleasant to talk to but a little too hefty. That seems to be an on going theme. In all honesty, a lot of the men I see at these events are pretty hefty too. Don't people realize that it's much easier to attract a mate if you're in decent shape. I am working pretty hard to stay in shape and even to improve it.

So, I was picked in a raffle to do some sort of stunt on the field. It turned out to be a 3 legged race with this woman named Alice. We were up against 2 other couples. Alice assured me that she would do well. She used to run 3 legged races at family picnics. I thought she would be dragging me along. When the race began one of the other couples got in a good rhythm and sprinted ahead. Alice then basically gave up. She was a total disappointment but I was cool about it. At least we didn't fall on our faces, which is something that the event staff encouraged.

I wished I had not been picked because we spent all of the pre-game meeting time down near the field. I didn't get to talk to anyone else from the singles group. It was sort of a bust. I even left at half-time. At least the Rattlers were winning the game.

Ugh. I'm emailing Lidia again. At least, now I don't feel a tremendous urge to reconcile. It's only a mild urge right now. She sent me an email 2 days ago asking to get her furniture back in a couple of months. I told her of course, it would be alright. I didn't mention that it would be good for me too for her to get the rest of her stuff out.

Of course, I feel sad about this too. At first I got jealous. I thought she may be moving with a new guy but after I thought about it I realized that she, most likely, wouldn't need her furniture right away. I figure that she's moving in with a friend she met on one of her jobs.

She can really tug at my heartstrings. She told me that she got rear-ended in the Toyota yet again. She's going to take it back to the same body-shop where it was fixed the first time she got rear-ended. I feel so bad for her. She's had the worst luck with that car, starting from the fucked up initial dealings with the fucking sales manager at Right Toyota!

She also complained how she's working so much and how she's not feeling well either. I am really starting to feel sad for her. I know things have been rough for me emotionally these last 2 months but it seems things are worse for her. I have to admit though that this could be another attempt at her usual emotional manipulation. She may WANT me to feel sorry for her so I'll keep in touch. I think she may still feel that we could reconcile like her boss Allison did with her husband after a year long separation.

I also think about reconciling too sometimes but it would totally crazy right now. I know I still haven't changed much from when we were together and I don't think she's change any either. I would say that her attempts at manipulation would indicate that she hasn't.

There were definitely good points about our relationship and it's those I miss and I am discounting the bad points because of fears about a new relationship and a an underlying need to be in any relationship. I want to get healthy and happy by myself first and then find someone to love and who will love me in return. That may be Lidia but most likely it won't.

Well, Elaine replied to me about staying friends. She was cool with it. She said I am a lot of fun but that she didn't want to lead me on. She apologized again about having to use email to tell me. Given the way her marriage was, even though it was a long, long time ago, she obviously has problems with confrontation and just asserting herself, I think. I have those same problems too.

I still think about asking her what happened that night before the movie. Things seemed to be going great up until then. I know she likes to do things on Sunday afternoon, after church. I think I'll invite her over for an early dinner and maybe to watch a DVD. I'll get her a little liquored up and ask her what I said that made her pull back. I don't think I'll get the brutal truth but it would be something.

There is a karmic aspect to all this. I am now, sort of, in the same position as Mary Ann. She has the hots for me but I only want to be friends with her. Now the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak. I have the hots for Elaine but she only wants to be friends. It's cool with me. I think it can be a healthy thing to have a new female friend.

And who knows what the future holds. She may change her mind, however unlikely that may be, or she may have a single friend I may meet. Life is full of surprises...

Shit, I'm just starting to feel worse and worse. I am looking at this as another learning experience. I met a really nice woman and we went out a few times and generally had fun and great conversations. This shows me that I can meet interesting women who see me as a potential boyfriend.

This is pretty much how healthy dating works. You meet someone new. There's an initial attraction. You go out on a few dates. You get to know each other better. You decide if this person is someone you want to know more intimately or not. With Elaine, for whatever reason it was not.

It's far better to find out now when it's still early than go out and out and develop stronger feelings for her and then get dumped. There's definitely a bit of karma in this situation. I remember dating a woman named Theresa many years ago from the singles group. We went out about 4 or 5 times and she asked where this relationship was headed. I didn't have strong feelings for her so I told her that I wanted to just be friends.

This set her off and she yelled at me over the phone about how she wouldn't let a friend treat her this way. I think I had backed out of a date or something at the time. To her credit, she contacted me again a few months after her little outburst and when we met for lunch she asked me what went wrong. It was a very mature thing to do I thought. It was one reason I am going to try and stay friends with Elaine after all.

I think this strong emotion is partly based on my lack of sleep from last night and, of course, the sting of rejection. I also think that Lidia may be seeing someone from Ward's circle. He emailed me about whether I'm going to a happy hour next week. It made me suspicious that someone in the group mentioned that they are seeing her and to avoid seeing me. I feel bad that he may be stuck in the middle of my fucked up social life. The pessimist in me thinks it may be Scott.

So here I go torturing myself again. I have no evidence what so ever and I go right for the most hurtful explanation. I wish I could stop doing this. I need another rubber band, I think. Wow, am I glad that I'm going on vacation for a while next week. I really need to distract my thoughts. I am driving myself nuts.

It's good that I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow too. I'm tempted to call her this evening but I really want to practice my own self-help tools. I sure need the practice baby!

Damn, I feel a little wrung out now. I just sent an email to Elaine to disregard my previous email and asked her to remain friends. I did enjoy her company and I was probably coming across as desperate. I was really complimenting her a lot and it may have come off as insincere.

I would really like to talk with her to find out what went wrong. I would hope that she could be honest with me if she sees that I'm pretty harmless and willing to stay friends like a real adult.

It would be ironic if she really thought that I was not ever going to get married while I feel that she may be the type of woman that I would want to marry. Too funny!

I got pretty drunk last night thanks to my shitty coping skills, or lack there of. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings to play some trivia and drink. I had a good time. It was early and the place was pretty empty. The bad part was that I drank 5 pints. At least I had dinner before I left and drove home relatively sober. But then I started drinking more when I got home but I only had the slightest hangover this morning. I think my tolerance is returning. Not a good sign.

Well, I can't blame alcohol for the Elaine fiasco. I was definitely on my best behavior when ever we went out. So it was all on me.

My challenge is to be happy in my life by myself. When this happens I can find someone to share it with. I watched A Guide to Happiness again and it did drive home the message that the search for a mate is almost completely unrelated to being happy. In fact, more recent studies show that after a small bump in reported happiness, couples generally return to levels closer to how they felt before they got married. I think this helped me stay with Lidia for so long. I think I was generally happy before we met and I just need to remind myself that I can return to that state... eventually.

Dammit! It's over with Elaine. That sure didn't last long. She just broke up with me over email. She was at least apologetic about it. It's not cool to break up over email. She did the old let's be friends break up with out actually saying let's be friends. She wants to still go hiking sometime... yeah right that'll happen. At least she paid for our last dinner together.

I knew something changed on Tuesday but I thought I still had a chance after we had such a nice date on Sunday. Shit just what I needed, more rejection. I'm dying to know what happened to change her feelings toward me but I don't think it would do any good to ask her to tell me. She would most likely lie to spare my feelings or her own conscience.

At least I wasn't in too deep and this happened just as I was feeling that I was getting in too deep.

I've been thinking a lot about something my therapist brought up at our last session. I was talking about things I missed about Lidia and I was talking about how good a cook she was and how clean she kept the house. Then my therapist went back into her notes and repeated what I told Lidia a long, long time ago. I said that I didn't care at all about the cooking and cleaning that she did.

I think at the time I meant it but now I'm wondering if that's actually more important to me now. Maybe it's just a bit of sour grapes. You really can't miss something until it's gone. The difficult part is now I get confused again. I think that maybe Lidia was better for me than I ever thought. I sort of feel like I'm maturing more and certain things that I thought were unimportant are becoming more important.

I still have to accept that it's over but it's hard sometimes still. I'm definitely getting back into the habit of doing all my own cooking and cleaning now. I guess what brought this to the forefront was talking to Elaine last night.

I finally got her to come back to my place and I knew she was going to be impressed with all the nice furniture I have and mostly how clean it all is. Elaine immediately started saying that she was never going to invite me over to her place again. She was only half joking!

I still really like Elaine but now I wonder if she's right for me too. Of course I have no idea what she's like in bed so I can't really decide whether to stop seeing her or not yet. We still haven't even really kissed yet. I mean nothing very passionate. This is a warning sign to me. We've gone out 6 times now but I think it may be partly my fault. I think I need to get a little more aggressive when I kiss her. If it scares her away then so be it.

Had yet another great date with Elaine. I finally just said "fuck it" and didn't even mention how I felt on our last date. She even brought up how bad the movie was. It was funny.

I picked her up at 1pm to go to Herberger theater. We went to see the 2nd play in a trilogy. The play was called Augusta. Too bad we didn't catch the first play because I felt that this one was pretty bad. She was much more forgiving about the play than she was about the movie last week.

Elaine's been having one rough week. She did mention that Wednesday was good but she was feeling a bit depressed because she had a bad falling out with her close friend. She was supposed to play golf but something happened which she didn't elaborate and that didn't happen. She also told me that her trip to Vegas was off too. It was with the same woman. This happened the same week where her daughter called off her wedding and broke it off with her fiance.

After the play we came back to my place to have a glass of the Cols DuBois Pinot I bought. She got pretty tipsy and I wish I had taken a bit more advantage of it. We kissed once here but only because she was really unloading her feelings on me and it felt appropriate.

After the wine we went over to Pure Sushi for a great dinner. I stupidly left my wallet at home and she ended up paying for dinner. I felt totally stupid and cheap though when I saw that the meal ran to $96. Shit! That's what we get for ordering sashimi instead of the nigiri sushi. She was a good sport about it though. I tried to get her to let me pay her back later but she said no.

The sad part of the date was when I took her back to her place I was hoping to have a little make-out session but she saw that her daughter Amy was home. She told me to be careful but that Amy wouldn't think that this was a date since it was so early in the day. She also told me to duck if she threw anything. What a strange thing to say. I wonder if her daughters are very protective of her. It would be nice if they were but only to a certain extent.

Given the way things are going now though, I must admit that I will probably end up breaking things off with her. She has way too much drama in her life and she seems way too restrained in her emotions.

She explained a lot more about her marriage this time. Seems that she got married very young and her husband was an abuser. It was worse when he got drunk but he was abusive even when sober. He would hit her and often in the face but she covered up for him. The end came when he tried to strangle her. She sought counselling with him though and when he said he would do it again because she was his wife and that's the way it is, she decided to finally leave. After 16 fucking years of this. I really felt sad for her.

At least she's a totally different person now. She's grown so much since then. I hope she doesn't have huge, thick walls up. I really like her but I've pulled back a bit as well. I don't think I can keep seeing her without a more physically intimate relationship with her. YES, I'm talking about SEX!

Went out to a Suns game with Mary Ann last night. I would project something ironic in the fact that the Suns lost to Detroit but I just can't. It was a good game for the most part. The game was pretty close through the first 3 quarters.

We had such a good time together. I wish I was attracted to her physically. We would make a good couple now that she's not so critical of me and constantly relating how her marriage was so fucking wonderful. I invited her over for St. Patrick's day tonight if she's free. I do feel a little bad spending too much time with her though. I don't want to give her any false hopes of us getting back together.

A welcome surprise was when Sheri and Bill showed up. I met Sheri with Ward's singles group. She was the person who gushed about how good I look now that I've lost some weight. I've been wanting to see her again to get her number. She mentioned that she likes to try nice, new restaurants, just like me! I've wanted to ask her out ever since, now I have the opportunity. Of course, she's much, much taller than me. I wonder what her minimum height requirement is to ride the rides?

Today I'm going to an A2K event. Spring training baseball. Should be fun.

Tomorrow is my next date with Elaine. I'm a bit anxious about it but I have pretty much decided just to follow her lead. If it gets uncomfortable or worse, boring, I can end it.

Elaine just called. We're still on for Sunday and I'm inordinately happy. Here's another REBT situation. I am unhealthily happy I think. My happiness must come from within me not from some outside situation.

What's the IB???

I like Ealine so I'm happy when she "seems" to reciprocate that feeling.
-This is love slobism - The people I love, or like, MUST feel the same way!!

Of course this is patently false. Who knows what the fuck Elaine is feeling. I'm projecting my feelings on her and trying to guess what she's thinking or worse what she's feeling. That's a no-win game absolutely.

She didn't call last night at all and I didn't follow up either. I figure I'll let it slide tonight. I feel like such a coward, though. I'm going out with Mary Ann to a Suns game. It should be fun.

I plan on calling her later on Saturday. I will just ask her if she still wants to go to the play Sunday afternoon. I hope she does. I am not sure if I'll mention that I wanted to talk to her or if I'll just say something like, "we'll have plenty of time to talk on the way to the theater." Not sure about that phrasing though.

Of course she may say no to the theater and that would about do it for this relationship. That would be too bad, I was really starting to like her. I already liked her quite a bit, actually. I really wonder what happened Wednesday evening? She seemed very interested the Sunday we went to Benihana. It's funny, she likes to talk a lot but it's not about anyrhing very serious or about our relationship.

I wonder if Mary Ann would want to go on short notice. I think she might feel bad that's she's my back up date.

Well, I called her around 1:30pm and still no response as of 3:45pm. I know that she doesn't return phone calls sometimes anyway but this seems a bit more serious.

I briefly talked to my therapist over the phone before I called Elaine, and she agreed with Carmen that it's better to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Elaine didn't have much of a problem with me taking her out to nice restaurants often. In fact she was joking that she's going to be all thin and haggard by the time I get back from New Zealand. It was pretty funny at the time. I think this was before I dropped the bombshell, though. Damn it!

Once again, I must confess that I'm feeling a little weepy deep inside. It's less than it was before, luckily but still disconcerting none the less. No one likes rejection after all especially over a rather avoidable misstatement on my part.

I do think I was keeping the pace of our relationship rather slow and controlled but now that this has happened, I feel all the control went over to her. The ball's in her court, so to speak. I hope she hits back a softball...

I was talking to my friend Carmen about my issue with Elaine and she thinks I should call her and invite her to talk about what she's feeling. Oh boy, this is a tough predicament.

On the one hand, I would hate for Elaine to end our relationship over something I said when I really meant to say something else. I do really like her and think that this may be a good relationship to explore.

On the other hand, this seems like me repeating my pattern of getting involved too deep too soon. In this case I should wait until Sunday. If Elaine does call to cancel well, then it's her loss. Otherwise I can bring it up that she seemed uncomfortable after dinner Wednesday and if there's anything she would like to discuss about it.

I think I'll call my therapist during lunch to get some "phone" support first. I need some perspective because, honestly I feel more like I'm doing the second thing. I mean, we've only gone out 4 times now and while she seemed more eager on our third date, it should not be that big a deal if she decided to end it now. Otherwise, I'm in too deep.

That last paragraph seem to have an irrational belief. Why should it not be a big deal if she ends? This is a tough one. I need to look inside and see if this is a healthy feeling of regret and loss or if it's an unhealthy one of neediness and desperation. I think, it's the former and not the latter.

I still have a lot of things going on. I'm meeting Mary Ann for a Suns game tomorrow. Going to a couple of singles events next weekend. Then my big trip. Then, even after that, I'm going to try speed dating. Older men, younger women. How cool is that?

Shit, I may have already blown it with Elaine. We had a really great dinner and about half way in we finally got around to talking about my previous relationship situation. She wanted to know how long I've been single so I told her since December. I said that it's not so long after she broke her engagement off in September.

Then I think here is where I went wrong. She asked why I ended it and I said it was because my ex had changed her mind about marriage. Stupid, stupid stupid! I said that st first she wanted to get married then she said she didn't and then she said she did and that at this point I wasn't ready to marry her so I had to let her go so she could find someone who would.

She asked how long we were together and I said 3 years. Now when I took her home she barely kissed me good night and she even pulled back a bit when I leaned in for a few more. Not good signs. At the movies her body language was totally closed off. She had both her arms and legs crossed and she stuck her hands under her legs so that I would have no opportunity to hold her hand. She did bump me a few times as were walking around the theater.

At least she invited me inside her place this time. She was very apologetic about how messy it was. I saw she has a big screen TV too. It was pretty old though. She complained that she couldn't open her window blinds much because she has a neighbor that like to peek inside.

I did also mention that I was going on an extended vacation at the end of March. This is when the conversation turned to my last relationship and why we broke up. I described the vacation as one that caters to singles by matching them up with a room-mate. I tried to make it sound more like a financial set up so that as a single, I wouldn't have to pay any single-supplement.

Man, what a big mistake I made. I don't think there's a way to recover from this one either. Another messed up part is that I asked her out for another date before this discussion took place and as I confirmed it when I left her place it seemed she agreed to still go out of sheer niceness and to keep her word. I hope that maybe with time I can show her that I am interested in getting married but I want to be sure it's to the right woman!

I think that based on her actions that she may be undecided if she wants to continue seeing me or she may be in a "wait and see" mode to determine how I'm going to act in the future. That's all well and good but I really would like a little encouragement to keep seeing her. That would include a few make out sessions in the near future.

A big part of me wants to call her tonight and ask. "What went wrong?" I really want to know what I said that made her close herself off like that. I think the healthy thing to do though, is to pull my self back from her emotionally too and leave things as they are until our next date on Sunday. She may have reached a decision by then whether to pursue something with me or to call it quits. I do hope she wants to keep things going...

I am totally nervous about my date with Elaine tonight. I think I got it into my head that we're going to have sex soon. I even went out to buy a box of condoms this morning. I'm not sure if I'm going to carry any with me but it's smart of me to have some on hand, just in case. I DO so want to make love to her!

My problem is that I'm not sure if I'm ready to have sex with her yet. I'll admit that I really like her and she's very pretty but I'm very worried that I won't be able to perform well and break down and try to explain why I'm having issues. I don't think the time is right to tell her about my ex right now since I'm still not over her emotionally.

I also worry what I may discover about Elaine when we get intimate. It would totally suck if she had issues with sex. I guess it would be good to find that out earlier rather than later, though. If it's something that I feel is a total deal breaker I could talk to her about it and we could decide what to do or I could make a unilateral decision to end it if it came to that. I want to stop looking for problems before I have any information on whether there will be any! I want to take this new relationship one date at a time. To let it progress at it's own pace. What's so damn hard about this?

I am also wondering how Elaine feels toward me. I wonder if I'm moving to slowly for her. I do think that she needs quite a bit of her own space. I can imagine that she's got a lot on her mind with the break up of her daughter with her fiance. I'm guessing she's spending a lot of mental energy trying to help her daughter get through that drama. I hope I can provide a welcome distraction at the very least.

And of course still (ugh STILL!) I feel the little boy inside myself that just wants to get back together with Lidia. He's a little boy but he's also older. I feel like when I broke up with Erin in my early 20s. I did the exact same thing. We would break up and I would feel so shitty that I would ask her back then it would last a few months and our incompatibilities would drive me crazy and I would break up. Again and again. It finally ended when she started going out with someone else. I once again, asked her back but she told me no. I even saw her almost everyday as we working together.

What I need to hold on to is that I got over that and I'll get over this! Back then it was even harder as I was young and dumb but now I'm old and dumb! Hey that's an irrational belief right there. It doesn't HAVE to be easier now. There's no reason for it to be easier. It may even be harder now! But I can get through it and past it!

I didn't get much sleep last night as I was thinking about Lidia again. I think I may need to list out all the reasons why I felt that our relationship wasn't working. I could start all the way back at the beginning when we first started going out and all the red flags I ignored back then. It may help me put some more finality to this whole situation. I hope.

I got a hold of Elaine last night and we decided to go to a regular dinner and movie date rather than go to Farrelli's Cinema Supper club. They changed their schedule and the movie we would see would be "Blood Diamond."

First off, I've seen it already and second, Elaine doesn't enjoy violent movies. She said she was grateful that I changed plans when I found out what movie was playing. I told her I really was listening when she said how she doesn't like to see violent movies. Blood Diamond is pretty damn violent too. She said that those kinds of movies we could watch on DVD. It sounded like we would have some movie nights at home in the future. I liked the sound of that.

Now we're planning on going to the White Chocolate grill for dinner and then heading over to Harkins to see "Music and Lyrics." It's a rather formulaic romantic comedy so we should have some opportunity to make out. I hope. I'm still not sure what she feels for me at this point but I'm cool with that for now.

For our next date I already want to take her to see this play at the Herberger. It's about 2 maids struggling at low wage jobs while searching for happiness. It got good reviews. It's a dark comedy that I think she'll enjoy.

I think she could use some comedy because she told me her daughters wedding has been called off. It seems her daughter and fiance have separated. She's quite sad over that as she said that she really liked the guy. To me it was sort of a bit more validation for me because Lidia wanted very much to get married but there's no way I could have gone through with it with her. I figure we would have been divorced within a year or two. I mentioned to Elaine that it was far better to find out before the marriage that it won't work than years later in divorce court.

Her other concern was that a lot of her family members had already booked flights to attend the wedding and they were still coming to town. She said that the wedding was originally set for April 7th. I will definitely tell her this Wednesday about my up coming trip to New Zealand. I will be out of town that week and I am going to offer her a key to my place in case she needs some extra room. I just have to be sure and hide anything I don't want her to discover.... like my porn.

Damn, it can sure take a long time to get over someone. At least that's how I'm feeling right now. I totally realize that it's only been 2 months and a week since she moved out and a lot less time than that since she sent me a text message. I know that that's not really long enough to heal yet.

I need to be strong for a lot longer. Even the support of friends and family can't really shorten the healing process. I need to do it for myself. I need to let myself feel sad when it comes on me and not try to avoid it. I am using REBT to find why these feelings get so strong.

I still am dealing with a lot of irrational beliefs in this sad situation. With the main one that's holding me back as: I hate feeling this way. I absolutely must not feel so sad. It sucks that I am feeling this sad. So, in trying to avoid this feeling altogether I am making it last longer.

Okay so to dispute this:

I may hate feeling this way but there's no good reason why I should not. After all, I AM feeling this way sometimes so whether I like it or not I better deal with it. It is getting less and less strong over time so I just have to wait it out longer too. I AM doing all the right things in order to get over this. I will give them more time to work.

I AM going out with a very nice woman who I like quite a bit and I am taking things slow with her. I will not jump right into a new relationship with someone I don't know very well. I am getting to know her better and I enjoy finding out more about her. I have a lot of fun when we go out. I think she feels the same toward me but again, it's too early to have that kid of discussion yet.

Time will tell for many of my issues.

We finished our Transactional Analysis class last night. I definitely enjoyed many aspects of learning T/A but I was struck once again at how like a horoscope the "scripts" were. Not in that they were accurate representations of human personalities but how you have to pick and choose the characteristics to emphasize in order to categorize someone into one of only 5 major script types.

One of the useful things I learned in class was how risk averse I am. I've known that for along time but it was painfully obvious to a trained professional, yet again. Dr. Nichol gave me a challenge at the end of class to take more "OK" risks. OK risks are risks that my adult ego approves of and are relatively safe. I would call them "calculated risks" myself.

He also asked me to think of my scariest risk and I could think of 2 right off the bat.

1. To not get into any serious relationship for a significant length of time.
-Honestly, I would like to see what happens with Elaine first. I really like her.
-Just need to take it slow and let things develop that way.

2. To not go back to Lidia!
-This is not going to happen anyway. The longer we're apart the less likely we'll reconcile.
-I AM taking a risk in breaking up with her.

I didn't interact much with Therese at all. I was a bit upset that in class she talks like she's all alone with no friends and no romantic prospects but that was completely opposite what she said during our dinner a month ago. Once again she refrained from talking about her personal issues that drove her to take this class in the first place. I got the feeling that she's too worried about her reputation since she seems to have a very large social circle. I actually feel a little sorry for her. She's keeping a lot of her pain trapped inside. I may email her and ask her to dinner one more time just to see how things go. I don't know yet but I'm leaning toward No.

So, now, I'm thinking a lot about Elaine. She's dropped a few hints that she's attracted to me and I don't want to go too fast with her but yet I don't want her to think I'm not attracted to her. I like her a lot but I am seriously stopping myself from calling her more often. I think it may make her more interested though. Kind of like playing hard to get but for me I'm really trying to stay busy anyway and I want to nurture my friendship with Mary Ann and keep that strictly platonic.

I was thinking of calling her tonight but I will be better off waiting until I get back in on Sunday. I can talk to her about out dinner and movie date this Wednesday. I am so looking forward to that date. I am planning on kissing her a bit more than our last date. I hope she enjoys it too.

I called Elaine last night to make a date for next week. I was a little nervous about calling her because it seems awkward for me to talk to her over the phone. Well, I need not have worried.

I got hold of her when she was out shopping but instead of asking me to call back she just started talking. She said she thinks it's rude when someone else talks on the phone in front of her but she didn't care right then. Which is a good sign for me, I think.

She must not have been somewhere very far because we continued to talk as she drove home and she made it back in about 15 minutes. The conversation flowed pretty naturally. She's busy preparing for her daughter's wedding and bridal shower. I picked a good time to go out of town this weekend as she's going to be pretty busy with all the preparations.

When she got home she said that she might go out to the spa. I said that I'd join her if our relationship were w little further along. She said that that might be dangerous! I'm guessing that she means that she attracted to me too. Good motivation for me to keep exercising now that my tennis class is over.

I arranged a date for next Wednesday. We're going to Farelli's Cinema Supper club. It's where they server dinner while showing a movie. I've always wanted to check it out. She sounded mildly interested too. I really wanted to cook dinner for her but I think that would be going a little faster than I really want to.

I mean I like her a lot but I really don't want to repeat my pattern of getting in too deep , too soon. I also realize that even if I do get too emotionally involved with her, that it's okay to break it off if I realize that we aren't right for each other. What I've learned from all my recent heartbreak is to not wait and wait to see if something will change or because we may be having sex. Having sex doesn't mean we are "meant" to be together.

I plan on calling her when I get back into town on Sunday. That's when she's having the bridal shower but it should be over by the time I call. I want to call her before that too but again I don't want to move too fast.

I met Mary Ann for sushi after work today. I wasn't planning on having any alcohol but I've noticed that I tend to drink more around her. I'm going to have think about why that is. I know for sure that she encourages me to drink. I think she may do it to try and lower my inhibitions about us getting back together. That isn't going to happen.

In fact as we were finishing up I told her that even though we had had some great sex when we were a couple that I really value her as a close friend. I told her that I need a friend like her way more than I needed a girlfriend. I told her I loved her as a friend.

She started crying a little. She said that she felt the same way but that she was very emotional about us. I got the feeling that she was sad that we wouldn't be getting back together. It made me a little sad too.

Mary Ann is finally realizing that we aren't going to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. Her friendship has really helped me get through my break up. I was and still am pretty vulnerable and if she couldn't convince me to get back with her by now, it just isn't going to happen.

I called Elaine yesterday to set up our next date. She was going to dinner with her daughter so she couldn't talk but she asked if she could call me right after. I was surprised at how nice that simple comment made me feel.

The last couple of times I've called she was sort of brief over the phone and I really had no idea how much she care about me. I do remember how she was so thankful for the birthday dinner I took her to and how nice out brief kissing was. Now I feel like we're both getting a bit more serious about this.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing at this point because I do have that singles tour coming up at the end of March. If I'm already getting serious with Elaine, I will probably hold myself back from getting close to any women on the trip.

I haven't been calling her daily since I want to take this slow and see how we feel about each other after getting to know each other first. My main pattern is that once I am in a relationship I stay with it too long even after I realize that it isn't going to work. So, even if we become serious and exclusive that doesn't mean that we're right for each other. I already see some potential incompatibility issues. Such as she's pretty religious and I'm not. And, of course, I have no clue as to how she's like in the bedroom.

She did say that she likes to date a long time before even thinking about marriage or anything like that. That works for me. She explained during dinner that she was engaged up until last September but she didn't like the way the guy kept grudges, especially when her kids did something negative. He would bring it up again and again. That's behavior I've seen in myself and I'll have to watch myself to keep from doing that.

Had another great date with Elaine last night. I need to reign in my expectations big time though. I thought she was ready to blow me off, since I hadn't heard from her all week, even after leaving messages. She explained that she doesn't have a PC at home and can't check her email at work so that's why she didn't respond to my message. She also got busy with planning her daughters wedding and shower so that was why she hadn't returned my phone calls.

I took her to Benihana's for her birthday. We had a wonderful time. She even let me tell the staff that it was her birthday. At first she was totally against it. They took a picture of us too. Dinner was great but I bit my tongue pretty hard right at the end. It would not stop bleeding. After dinner I asked if we could have drink and continue our conversation at the bar. She agreed. I opted for sparkling water rather than anything alcoholic. I guess Dr. Stanton Peele was right and when you find something or someone important enough it's actually not so difficult to moderate your drinking.

We left for home around 8:15. We had a very early dinner. I walked her up to her door and she went inside. I thought she would just say goodnight but she put her food container down and came back to the door. I leaned in to gently kiss her a few times. We pulled back and looked in each other's eyes. Then she reached for my head and pulled to her for one more kiss. I nibbled on her lips a little more and then pulled back. She said "I think you better go now," in such a way as to hint that a lot more might happen between us if I didn't. It was a very intense moment.

The gross part is that all during this time my tongue was still bleeding. I could taste the blood in my mouth so I kept my lips together for every kiss even though I felt that she wanted more. I then left walking on air.

So, now I want to keep things cool for now. I really, really like her but it's way too soon after my break up and way to soon in this new relationship to let myself fall hard for her. It's probably a good thing that I'm going out of town this weekend otherwise I'd spend more time with her right away and get even closer. I do plan on asking her out again when I'm back in town next week. I'm thinking of cooking dinner for her. I hope it's not too much too soon...

Mary Ann came over for a movie night last night. She brought some munchies and of course, beer. Seems she's still testing the waters of our former relationship. I guess she still thinks she can convince me to get back with her if she gets me drunk enough. She should know by now that that's not going to happen.

We went to Blockbuster to get a DVD to watch. On the way there we were going to stop at nicks for dinner first. When we got to the door she saw her ex-boyfriend Julian. She immediately wanted to get away from there. I have must admit that if I had seen Lidia somewhere, I would have done the exact same thing and beat a hast retreat.

We went to Blockbuster in the hopes that he would be gone when we rented a DVD. He was still there on our way out so we drove back to my place but decided to head back to Nick's when Julian's car passed us on the road.

After dinner, we went back to my place to watch "The Devil Wears Prada." I like the movie quite a bit but Mary Ann thought it was boring and not at all funny. After the movie we were watching cable and caught a soft core porn movie. Mary Ann was totally trying to get me to masturbate for her. I didn't feel right about so I refrained. I was really thinking about switching to something much more hard core and see how she reacted. I may have been persuaded if I was really turned on. Too bad Mary Ann doesn't turn me on like that.

Shit something went wrong with Elaine. I sent her an email Wednesday and no reply, then I called her phone and left a message asking her out. She hadn't replied to that either. So, I remembered today is her birthday and I called...

New update, she just called back and we're on for tomorrow. I was concerned that she was going to stop seeing me already. I may have put her off by revealing too much of my fucked up childhood on our last evening out.

As usual our phone conversations were a bit awkward for me so I kept it brief. Now I need to dial my expectations down again as not hearing anything from her for the last couple of days was a little painful. I wish I had met her after I got over Lidia. I'm sure I'm sending out this funky vibe. I think it's what makes phone calls so awkward for me.

Now, we're going out again tomorrow. No expectations, no worrying about the future. Just go out and take it as it comes. Trying to think of a good place to go. Not too expensive and not too cheap either. Hmmm, that's a tough one with her. She says she's pretty low maintenance except for her eating requirements. No beef or pork. My two favorite food groups!

Mary Ann's coming over tonight. We're supposed to watch movies and have comfort food. I am very grateful for her friendship. If it wasn't for her, this break up would be much, much harder to get through. Luckily, she broke up with her b/f too otherwise she wouldn't have much time to hang out with me.

In other news. I got pretty drunk chatting with Carmen last night. I felt sad after the singles happy hour I went too. I must be way too picky but there's no one I've yet met who I'd like to date. I think I should just go to these things with a goal of meeting new people as friends rather than finding my next g/f.

Ugh. I am feeling way too desperate. I sent Elaine an email Wednesday and I didn't get a reply. I said in my message that I would call her so I called during class break last night. She didn't answer so I left her a message. She still hasn't returned my call or my email.

Here I go again. I put a lot of my future emotional stability on getting with Elaine. Now that she hasn't contacted me I feel rejected. I am going to find out what irrational beliefs I have that are causing me to feel so bad about it. I mean, it hasn't even been a day since I left her a message and we saw each each other Monday. Why am I feeling so abandoned already?