So, I'm telling myself that Lidia is moving on with her life and that I need to do the same. I am just feeling some fear right now about meeting anyone as nice and nurturing as she was and I'm also scared about latching on to the first nice woman I meet. I need to try and just relax and see this as an opportunity to meet new friends and not as a search for my next ex-girlfriend.

I joined an on-line support group yesterday. We exchange emails as a way of talking out our issues. Most of my new friends were dumped by their boyfriend/girlfriend so I bring a completely different take on the whole thing. One thing I've seen right off is that most of these people are still in pretty close contact with their exes. I can totally see how that makes going through a break up so much harder and it's added to my resolve to not contact Lidia at all, even though it's still very difficult and I continue to seriously miss her.

I was thinking about how it would be if we started dating again. It would be just as if we were still together. We would probably go out to dinner and a movie just like we always did. That was the main thing we enjoyed together. There isn't anything wrong with that but it just shows that we don't have much in common that would let us have a happy marriage.

I was watching an interesting show on PBS last night. It was a guide to philosophy. I had no idea that Schopenhauer was considered "Dr. Love" and wrote the first serious treatise on Love. I know that the show was trying to be consoling but they basically reduced love down to the biological urge to procreate. "The Will to Life."

There was one thing that did strike me as interesting. That being in love and being happy are 2 emotional states that aren't necessarily related. At the end of the show the host talks about why relationships can end. It's not because there's really anything "wrong" with you it's that the biological urge has been replaced with a realization that the other person is not as good a reproductive candidate as you first thought and that someone else will see you as the right person to to reproduce with. This is the case, Schopenhauer argues, even if you're not interested in having children or are too old to have them.

The ironic thing is that Schopenhauer didn't seem to have much success in finding the right person. He wrote a lot about the miseries of life and how things just get worse over time. I would think that there's more recent research into love and relationships. As a matter of fact Gottman comes readily to mind here.

But what it all boils down to is that if you're unhappy a good relationship may give you an intial bump in happiness but you will return to your "average" level in due time. If you're already pretty happy, as I would have described myself before Lidia, then you'll still get a bump but you will also settle back to your average level. I was happy before and I'll be happy after. I just need more time to work at it and let all these negative feelings subside.

I was really missing Lidia again last night. I did it to myself though, I drank too much last night. I had 2 beers and then, instead of stopping there, I made 2 pretty strong rum and cokes. I fell asleep pretty early but then I awoke at around 2:30am. That's when I started feeling sad that Lidia wasn't sleeping next to me and truthfully I was pretty horny too. I miss having sex with her even if it wasn't very satisfying. I guess even bad sex is better than no sex. I am getting so tired of masturbating too! A trip to Vegas is starting to sound better and better.

One other aspect about feeling this way is that I know somethings I need to do to get past it. I am doing some of those things and maybe I'm expecting to much of myself too soon. I mean, it's only been a little more than 3 weeks since she moved out. But maybe, I could be doing more. I could volunteer or join a support group or some sort of club or something else. I don't know...

I'm thinking of what I should say to my "child" about this. As I see it there's 2 ways to go here. The first one I thought of was "You need to get out there and stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Just force yourself if you have to at first. After a while you'll be so busy living your life that you won't feel sad about breaking up. You may get to the point where you discover that it was the best thing you could have done. Also, there's plenty of fish in the sea. There's a ton of singles groups out there. That shows that there are a lot of people in your same situation."

The second thing I thought of to say would be... "Give yourself time to heal. Soon you'll feel that the time is right to get back out there. You can't rush through the process or else you may get stuck for longer than you'd like. It's okay to feel sad still. You will feel less sad as time goes by. Really!"

Maybe I think I need to tell myself a little of both. "Give yourself time to heal but get out there too. It'll help to talk socialize but with no expectations. Just meeting people can be fun too."

I was feeling much better but today I feel a little set-back. It's nothing too major, I am just missing her more today. I think what I am really feeling deep down is more lonely than anything else. I really counted on Lidia to be my companion. I feel I have no friends at all right now. I know that that's really not true but that's what I am feeling. I really miss having someone around to share things with even if we really didn't have all that much to share.

I signed up for a couple of events with the old singles club I belonged to. I'm going to a belly dancing show at this Mediterranean restaurant on Saturday evening. Then on Sunday is the Super Bowl party. I think both will be kind of low key events in terms of meeting up with potential dates. A large dinner party gives opportunity to talk with many different people and the Super Bowl party may be lopsided with more men than women.

I have been noticing a lot of singles sites on the Internet. There must be a lot of single people out there looking for someone. My problem is that I really don't want to jump right back into a serious relationship again. I want to work on myself first and try to resolve those issues I'm discovering that have caused me to make some bad decisions in the past.

I'm also seriously thinking about going to Vegas and visiting a legal brothel. I imagine that this would be a good way to explore sex without love, without intimacy. I mean the act gets boiled down to a business transaction. I understand you can even haggle about the price. I would probably start with just some oral at first. Maybe, in the future, I could indulge my fantasy of having 2 women at the same time. (I wonder how much that costs?) One positive aspect about a legal brothel is that the women have frequent medical examinations and STD tests and, of course, you are required to wear a condom.

I was waiting for Lidia to send me another message or something when I'm just starting to feel better and I didn't have to wait long! She sent a text saying the Marty's dog just died. I don't think this falls under the category of an emergency.

I can at least say that I was bothered much less than the last time she sent me a message. That time I was still feeling really bad about my whole situation but now that I'm starting to re-connect to people I think I am much stronger, emotionally than before.

That's not to say that I don't think about sending a message back and the small feeling still inside me of how much I still miss her. But now I can tell my child that "It's okay to miss her. She's basically a good person she took real good care of you while she was here, but now we need to do that for ourselves. It's okay to still feel sad, that can help motivate you to make the changes in your life for the better."

I can imagine what would happen if we got back together. I'd feel better emotionally and I'd probably even keep reaching out for new friends and such but after a few months I'd probably once again view Lidia as my main social outlet. Then a few months after that I'd be frustrated by what I was always frustrated about. A lack of deep intimacy and a lack of common interests to keep us from falling into the same boring rut that drove me crazy.

I am starting to feel like I'm turning a corner. I still feel sad about my breakup but the powerful, nearly overwhelming sadness and sense of loss I was experiencing seems to be waning. I no longer feel a tightness in my chest when I think of Lidia. I think it's starting to turn into just a normal level of sadness.

Of course, right now this all very tenuous. I worry a bit that I'll drop right back in that pit of despair if she tries to contact me again or if I happen to see her somewhere. I'll try to make sure that that doesn't happen. At least I know now that I'm going to come through this alright. I mean I always knew that intellectually but now I can feel it emotionally.

I've finally thought of something to tell my "child."

'It's okay to cry if you feel like crying. (In an appropriate setting, of course.) There's no shame in shedding tears of sadness. If anything it's good for you. Let it out. The more you try to keep it in, the more it's going build up inside you until it feels like you're going to weep at the drop of a hat. You'll feel better if you can let it all out.'

'It's going to be okay. I promise! Everything is going to be okay, just hang in there.'

I hope this helps because I HAVE tried to cry. Sometimes when I'm at home alone and I start feeling sad, I grab some tissue in expectation of tears. Then, I shed a few. Maybe a few sobs too but then I seem to dry right up but still feeling sad. I can't tell if it's because I'm inhibited about crying or that I'm seriously overstating my feelings. I AM sad but maybe not as sad as I think I am. This is a weird thought.

Am I wallowing in self pity as a way of avoiding the work I need to do to improve myself? No that's not it. I think maybe I'm punishing myself over my guilt of not ending it when I first tried and for the way I treated Lidia sometimes. I am making myself feel worse on purpose and now I can try and stop it, I guess.

I've been trying to just not think about Lidia but that doesn't seem to be working too well. I am going to try some advice from the "Art of Conscious Living" book. I am going to allow myself to feel sad, when I feel sad. I can't really block it anyway so if I accept it, and experience it fully, I can try and allow it to run its course and maybe get past it.

I also want to stop feeling the shame in the way I am feeling. It's not wrong or bad to feel sad for the right reasons. It's not like I'm a depressive person who feels sad often for no reason. That would be, well, sad! It's okay to miss her and the good things she brought to our relationship and it's okay to feel sad that it didn't work out and to let go of the good parts while realizing that the bad parts were why I wanted to breakup all along. So much easier said than done, though.

That these feelings touch on emotions from my childhood doesn't really seem to help me deal with them any better or easier. I can intellectually understand that they dredge up so many unresolved issues and feelings from my childhood but until I can integrate the emotional with the intellectual, I can still feel almost overwhelmed by a desire to get back with Lidia.

I think I need to finish the tasks in the "Coming Apart" book and write the narrative of our breakup. I think it'll help to write down the reasons for the ending and all the things I saw in Lidia that just made it impossible for me to stay with her. I know I am still carrying a lot of anger and resentment towards her too. I feel foolish for believing what she said over and over even after it became obvious that what she said and what she was doing were completely different.

I just thought of something else. I must forgive myself for treating her so badly too. I am also carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the things I said to her and how abusive I got with her when I drank too much. I don't really like myself when I think of some of things I said to her and the way I said them. I feel so bad for the way I treated her that part of wanting to take her back is to assuage these feelings and to somehow, make it up to her as a sort of penance for my guilty conscience.

Maybe that's where some REBT can help. It's pretty big on Unconditional Self Acceptance. I like myself not matter what, even though I may have done things that I don't like. That's the hard part, I think. I need to figure out a way to tolerate those behaviors in myself that I would definitely put up with from other people. I would never have put with the way I treated Lidia. I think that tolerate is not the best term for this. Maybe, I need to try and accept that I'm capable of such things. The only thing I can think of is to try and work out a way so that it doesn't happen again and figure out a way to forgive myself if it does. I mean I do and will make mistakes, like everyone on this planet.

The funny thing is that I DO tolerate some behaviors in others that I would have sworn I would never tolerate. Why is it so hard to do the same of myself? Why do I set the standards for my own behavior higher, for certain things, than my standards for others? I guess again that tolerate isn't the right word. I accept that people are flawed, including myself. Accept, acceptance, that's a much better word but it implies acquiescence, so that's not quite right either. At least, I feel I'm moving in the right direction. Working out these unresolved feelings and issues may help me to avoid doing things I don't like in the future.

So, here I am feeling all weepy again. I DO feel like a child who's lost his mommy, or daddy. And what happens now? She sends me a text message that she's not planning on doing anything with Ward's group this weekend.

What the fuck, it's only Tuesday, the weekend's still a ways away. I thought we agreed no contact for at least 3 months, preferably 6, unless it's an emergency or something similar.

Part of why I'm weepy is that I went to the singles club website and saw that Eric Lin was active recently. This was the guy that was interested in Lidia when we first started dating! I had seen in her phone records that she had called him in November or something like that. She told me that she just called to say hi and that he was living with a girlfriend now. Why is he active in a singles club if he's living with someone?

Of course, I don't know for sure what went on even as little as a few months ago but this seems like more duplicity from Lidia but I just feel so alone and unwanted that I really have to stop myself from doing something stupid like asking her back!!! Can't do that! I want to confront her about Eric! Can't do that either!!

I know I should tell her again that she can't keep sending me messages but again deep down inside is a little island of desire that thinks that we could make it work after all of this. I want to tell her how much I miss her and how painful this is for me but I can't! I won't!

This IS like going through withdrawals of a powerful drug. I used to love my autonomy at home, living alone and now the house feels so cold and empty. It's hard to sleep and I have no appetite.

Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and our relationship was pretty messed up right from the beginning, it doesn't help a whole lot at all. I am trying to see that this is the best for her too. If she really wants to get married then she needs to find the guy that will marry her, because that isn't me! But that's a whole other bridge I don't want to think about right now either.

Now I'm thinking of going on a singles trip to New Zealand. I've travelled with this group once before to Maui. It was a fun trip but I got a little obsessed with one woman who didn't see me as boyfriend material. We did have a very brief friendship though, mostly through email as she lived in Northern California while I am in Arizona.

The reason I am hesitant is that I feel fear. It's sort of unspecified, like a general fear of the unknown. Part of it too is that it would add more "closure" to my breakup and that goes against the little fantasies I still harbor about us getting back together. This makes me feel foolish too because I can't get back with her. It's over! Although, I sometimes wonder if she'll start sending me emails like she used to do to her ex-husband?

The group that sets these up sent out an email saying that they need more men to sign up for this trip because there's only 3 men going out of a total of 22 singles. Seems like good odds to me but then I worry about getting into a new relationship so soon. Although, by the time of the trip it'll be almost 3 full months since my breakup. I just can't stop worrying about every stupid thing!

Another problem is that I need to decide in the next day or so as they have to have payment at least 60 days in advance and the trip is scheduled for the last week in March.

I am still feeling pretty bad about my break-up. Mary Ann contributed to this feeling a little by blowing me off for our date Saturday night. I must admit that I was feeling like cancelling myself but I also didn't want to just sit around the house moping around and feeling sad. At least I got a lot of house work done and I even did a decent workout too.

Sunday was a little worse. I did another workout and I even totally cleaned out the refrigerator along with some laundry. I went shopping and made the mistake of buying beer. I ended up drinking it all while watching football. At least it was spread out long enough so that I wasn't hung-over Monday morning. I really have to watch my alcohol intake, I don't think I'll buy any more for a while.

So what am I feeling now? I feel lonely and deserted. I do feel abandoned like I have no one to rely on. That's so silly though because I could always call my family or even Mary Ann or even Jill and cry on their shoulders. But I do feel this way and I even feel that Mary Ann and Jill aren't true friends because they both would like to get back together with me as a couple. So, I sort of hold back reaching out to them. Especially with Mary Ann since Jill lives back on Los Angeles.

Well, she finally came for the last of her stuff. I feel so sad but it doesn't seem to be sticking around as much or is as deeply felt as before. I should have insisted that I drop it off at her work so we didn't have to see each other but for some stupid reason I just want to punish myself. I seem to want to make this as emotionally painful for myself as possible.

I guess that's the Catholic in me, I feel that since I was the one who ended it but it wasn't all bad, I have to pay some penance. Or maybe I want her to see how bad I feel so she'll feel bad too. I could just barely contain my tears while she was here. She got pretty teary eyed too. She said that she wasn't going out at all because she was tired from working a bit extra at Massage Envy. The problem with that is that I know she has no problem lying if she thinks she's sparing my feelings. So, I guess I'll choose to believe her but in the back of my mind I think she's already dating.

So I feel like shit right now but it's slowly leaving me just feeling empty and numb. And the really stupid thing is that I KNOW that if we were to get back together that things would be just as frustrating and unsatisfying as before. I would put up with it for a few months and then I'd snap and break up with her again.

I again think the main feeling is of abandonment. Even though I want her to go, it hurst that she's actually leaving me. She was so caring and nurturing. I feel like "what am I going to do now??" I will finish the exercises in my "Coming Apart" book this weekend at least...

So I was thinking why I felt so bad about Lidia and Erin? How were they alike? Did they reflect something else? I started thinking about Amy and how, even though we weren't living together, I felt totally devastated when we broke up.

I then started thinking about loss and the overwhelming feeling of abandonment. So I dug a little deeper. When else had I felt so abandoned and it hit me. It was when my father died.

Wow, that was a shocker. I thought that maybe it had something to do with my mom getting ill both physically and mentally so she was hospitalized a lot when we were still pretty young. But then I realized that the whole precipitating event was the death of my father when I was 4.

I used to think that I was totally over this event. He had died when I was very young and I felt I had completely accepted that he wasn't there for us and especially for me. Even writing about it now, more than 40 years later I feel the sadness building, the tears welling, the sense of loss, anger at him leaving us! Talk about abandonment issues! When my father died he also sort of took my mother with him. She was able to come back to us but then she would leave too after a while, usually because she would have a psychotic break or something similar.

I feel it's too risky to get too close to anyone because they're just going to leave me!

She did it again. She cancelled her pick up of her stuff again. She just called and told me that they were running behind at work and that she couldn't make it over tonight. I tried to tell her to come over later because I would be gone anyway but she said she would rather just pick it up Friday. She knows I am going to be home working so I wonder if she has anything planned. We'll see.

So what am I feel right now. I am feeling some longing for her to rekindle the good parts of our relationship. I am also feeling some anger that she keeps cancelling her pick-up. I also feel that she may be trying to keep in contact to emotionally manipulate me, although I understand that she may be doing that with really being conscious of that aspect of this situation. I feel the fear of the unknown as to what's going to happen when she finally drops by tomorrow. (If she actually follows through this time.)

The feeling I have right now is that I feel like I'm back dating Erin again and while I know/knew that breaking up with her was the right thing to do, I missed her so much that I would track her down and ask her to get back together. This would have been back when I was 24, give or take a couple of years. I remember one of times I reconciled with Erin, she was just ending a date with some guy named Chuck. I remember how hurt I felt when I saw her getting out of his car.

I also remember my second or third date with Lidia when her ex-boyfriend showed up. I remember how hurt he looked when he saw Lidia and I together. I remember how awkward and hurt I felt when she went outside to talk to him in private. I felt like I was getting in the middle of something that could have been very uncomfortable. In fact, I overheard her talking to him a day or so later and she was going to meet him for lunch and I told her that if she did then we probably shouldn't see each other again. I was concerned that she would get back together with him and that I would be dumped.

So, I haven't heard much from Mary Ann. I guess it's sinking in that we won't be getting back together as a couple after all, or maybe, she's just busy with work.

I got the last of Lidia's stuff together and put it out on the front porch. I sort of hid it under the welcome mat but I still think it's a little risky leaving it out all day until she comes to pick it up around 3:45pm. I hope it's all still there when she finally makes it over. I again felt real sad that our relationship ended but I couldn't get a handle on where the main part of the sadness was coming from. I'm trying work on discovering when my inner-child stopped developing but no luck yet.

I think now the only problem I may have with the rest of her furniture is that if she asks to take it all back because she's moving in with someone, I may be really sad if my life hasn't moved forward very much. I don't necessarily think I need to be in a relationship by then but I should be at a place emotionally where I'll be ready for this inevitable moment. I mean it's going to happen sooner or later and I hope to have grown some by then.

Right now, I feel like I'm reacting to all this fear. Fear of being alone with no real attachments to anyone, except my family, of course.

I should start trying to look forward in my life. I start a class today that may help me discover my inner-self and how to make changes for the better. I am starting up with the singles club and I used to enjoy going to events and meeting new people. I just have to try and keep my negative feelings in check and force myself to make an effort if I need to. There's also another singles travel group that I've been interested in joining for a couple of trips. They're a bit on the expensive side but I can afford it.

I guess I could also renew my membership on Match dot com too or one of the other on-line dating sites out there. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since she moved out though and I just don't feel like jumping right back into dating again. I can try and give myself some time first. I don't think it would be healthy to try and get into another relationship right away. That smacks of desperation for one thing.

Damn it, just when I start to really feeling better, I get thrown for another loop. Well, once again she isn't going to be able to pick up the rest of her stuff today. She called me at work and I stupidly answered the phone. I should have let it go to voice mail but that would just have delayed this little setback.

Seems that she can't stop by and get her stuff tonight after all. Now, of course I'm pretty damn curious as to what came up and why she waited till the last minute to say something. I do hope she's doing well. Luckily, I have tennis today so I'll be able to take my mind off of this later on. (I hope.)

So we re-scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I definitely plan on coming in to the office and she gets off work pretty early so we shouldn't much chance to run into each other. Also, it sounds like she's resigning herself to this being a permanent break. She said I could just leave all her stuff on the porch in a big bag if I wanted. I guess she didn't think I wanted her to come into the house at all.

I know this is all for the best that she's started moving on as I need to do as well. Still, I feel sad now. I should hold on to the fact that at least I was feeling a lot better and that my missing her was slowly ebbing away. Just need to cut myself some slack and keep holding on to my reasons for ending it. I just need more time...

Shit, I'm getting all emotionally overloaded again. I'm still in the danger zone!

I think that another reason I get to feeling like this is maybe I'm realizing that my life is not turning out the way I would have wanted for myself. When I was much younger I always thought I'd get married and have kids... the whole nuclear family thing. As time went by I lost any real feelings for having children but I do think I've always wanted to be in a relationship and now that yet another one has ended I feel like my life is not getting any better.

And now I also realize how much more maturing I still have to do. I need to get myself together before I can offer a real relationship to anyone.

Here's something else that's mildly ironic. Now that I've been spending a lot of time with Mary Ann I am completely sure that there's no romantic feeling there at all. If Lidia had let me keep a friendship with Mary Ann we may have lasted...

Mary Ann likes to do many of the same things I do. I mean I obviously wouldn't go to Vegas alone with her but I could have gone to sporting events and or some concerts and things that Lidia just had no interest in. This goes double or even triple for Samantha.

Although, I can totally understand that Lidia would be jealous of someone like Mary Ann. I know I was jealous of some male friends of hers. The difference is that I wouldn't expect her never to speak to them I just wanted to be aware that she was talk to them. It was the hiding of contact that really upset me. I can accept that Lidia would have male friends, it's normal, but let me know who they are and if you're talking to them a lot. (I really didn't expect to know about every little message, either.)

This is, of course, in relation to my unmet needs for intellectual stimulation and interesting conversation. We would still have had the whole sexual intimacy issue to resolve. So, maybe it was a good thing that Lidia could be so jealous and demanding at times like these.

I just realized something a little while ago.

I treat friends better than I treat my girlfriend! How messed up is that?

I was talking to Mary Ann earlier today and I was reneging on my agreement to sell her my elliptical trainer. I was very clear on why I decided not sell it after all. Basically, I didn't want to have to spend more on a new machine.

So, while we were messaging back and forth, I was thinking that if we were discussing why she wants a an exercise machine, I would be as gentle as possible to allude that she has some weight to lose. But, if she were my girlfriend I might just blurt out at her, "You better get something soon because you're getting too fat!"

I know how to say things in a gentle, positive manner but why don't I do it to the person who means the most to me.?? The person whose feelings I should care about as much as I do my own? Looks like there's some room for growth here. Maybe, I don't care for my girlfriends as much as I think I should? (If so, that's a huge sign that I may be with the wrong person.)

Dammit! I was feeling so much better today. I had a really good session with my therapist and she was able to help me find ways to get over my extreme sadness. I was looking forward to starting work on my own personal growth. I so very much want to get past all the negative patterns I keep repeating so when I do meet a woman I'm interested in it'll be for all the right reasons rather than desperately looking for someone to fill an unconscious need in my psyche.

So, what happens now? Lidia finally called me to ask about getting the last of her stuff out of my house. I had already left 2 messages to her in the last couple of days. I was just getting comfortable with thinking that Lidia is trying hard to get over our relationship and the beginning of her message sound just like that but as she kept talking she seemed to get sadder and sadder. This, of course, made me sad!!

Lidia implied that she's totally throwing herself into work to try and keep busy. She said how tired she is and she sounded almost disoriented. This really tugged at my heartstrings. Now I feel really bad for her too!

She also sent me an email from work this morning. In it she said she missed me. So, I am planning on replying to her and ask her to get the last of her stuff. I am going to mention that I am still seeing our therapist and how much it is helping me. I hope she gets the hint that she should also continue with therapy even though I know she totally balks at the costs. But if she is working so much, she could pay for it with her tips.

I just need to follow the advice in the reading that Phebe gave me and in my new book. We got together for reasons that were so much less than ideal and thus the reasons we are separating are so much more valid. We both needed to mature and grow as individuals before our relationship could improve. I know that she's going to be alright in the long run, just like me.

Damn, I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better. I now have to fight the urge to do something stupid like track her down and ask her to take me back or just stalk her a little. Shit, how stupid would that be. I better try and find something to do Friday night to try and keep my mind off this whole situation. At least I'm going to see Mary Ann this Saturday so that'll kind of take care of itself.

Oh yeah, here's a shocker for you... I bought a book. Yeah, yeah, I know... Pete bought yet another self-help book. Will wonders never cease?! Anyway the book is called "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma, and it deals with the end of romantic relationships and how to heal from the fallout. It's a rather short book, only about 175 pages and I'm fairly along into it and it's been kind of hit and miss for my situation.

The book talks about the expectations people have going into relationships which can make ending them so painful. So far so good but the main myth the author explores is that couple feel that "Love should last forever." Now that's not something I really considered when I agreed to let Lidia move in with me. We discussed this a couple of time before she moved in and we both agreed that her moving in would be more like intensive dating. I did have rather strong feelings for her but I don't think I would have said I love her. Although, I do remember that one of my concerns was that she started telling me she loved me 2 weeks after we started going out and when I asked her exactly what she meant, she gave me a whole rundown of the different kinds of love people feel for each other... she totally tip-toed all around the idea of romantic love. And even after this we moved in together...

Another thing about the book is that implies that almost all relationships are doomed to end. Which I guess makes some sort of sense if you look at the divorce statistics. The book makes a mildly compelling argument that each person needs to be on parallel "growth" paths in order for the relationship to have a chance at long term success. Although, many of the examples the book gives include couple that have been married for many, many years before they separate. I guess that if you want your relationship to last that this the last book you would probably be interested in. This is definitely not a "How to Make Marriage Last" book.

There's also a chapter about an ending ritual or ceremony. It has a section of questions that the breakup couple should ask each other. It's supposed to help the relationship end on a positive note. Allow each person to try and learn something important that the relationship had to offer. Since Lidia hasn't tried to contact me, even though I left her a voice mail about her stuff, I don't think a face-to-face meeting is desirable at this point, (I have to admit it would be very difficult to see her right about now.) but I wonder if I could answer the questions in email and send them to her and ask for her answers in return?

Another things the book brings up that I have a little trouble accepting is that we as adults a replaying patterns of relationships that we learned as children. These patterns are mostly about relationships with your parents, although a few examples of sibling relationships are included. This has me concerned because my childhood was pretty fucked up. While I felt loved and accepted by my mom, she would often fall ill and have to be hospitalized. This includes her mental health problems along with all her physical ailments. What does it say about the pattern I've learned when My mom wasn't around a lot after my father died? (Yes, the death of my father has probably fucked up my relationship patterns too.) I'm feeling a little doomed here...

I'm still waiting to get to the point where the book offers advice on how ameliorate these negative feelings I have. I sure hope this book helps...

Well, now I'm confused. I thought she wanted to get her divorce papers. I sent her 2 voice mails. 1 on Sunday saying that I was going to be playing tennis on Tuesday night and then another this Tuesday morning telling her that she may need a box to lug her stuff away.

She was a no-show!

What happened? The self-flagellating part of me thinks she had a date and was out late. Tuesdays are her long day at the dental office too. Realistically, I have no idea why she didn't come and get her stuff. No idea where she is or who she's with... shit this SUCKS!

This is the dangerous point for me. When I feel this bad I want to ask her back so I don't keep feeling this way. It's what's happened may times before when we've broken up. I can't keep doing this.

Lidia is coming to the house to pick up the last of her stuff tonight. I have to be sure I go to my tennis class so there's no chance of me running in to her. I'm not really looking forward to playing any tennis tonight but it's something I have to do.

I'm trying really hard to keep Lidia from knowing how I'm feeling. I figure she's ready to move on and I want to make it as easy on her as I would wish it to be for me. So I'm keeping any contact or messages to a bare minimum. Who knows, maybe in the future we can be friends... the distant future... maybe.

I'm feeling extra sad today. I feel ready to cry at any moment. I guess it has to do with my reading of some of Lidia's divorce decree. I felt so bad for her, even though the divorce was amicable, it is clear that she was totally overwhelmed by the whole process and that she still held out hope for a reconciliation. I need to consider that it was over 6 years ago but it still makes feel worse for all the crap I put her through. I miss her very much right now.

Again, I think that I stuck it out in this relationship far longer than I should have because I didn't want to experience all these negative feelings again. This was not fair to Lidia either. Even though I know I'll be feeling normal in time, right now it feels awful. I keep thinking about her too much and I need to find a way to channel my feelings into constructive outlets.

This is a definite pattern here in my love life. I meet someone I think I'll like. Then generally, we progress to intimacy too soon. I try to keep my feelings in check but that never works. Eventually, I become conflicted with the relationship. I start exhibiting bad behaviors, usually when drinking, but mostly out of frustration and possibly in an attempt to get my girlfriend to want to break up. We finally breakup and I feel like shit. Wait a couple of months then do it all over again! (I feel like Sisyphus but relationships are my rocks.)

I also think it's harder for me now because I don't have much of a social support group to rely on. At least I started trying to reconnect with people that I hadn't talked to in a while. Mary Ann is definitely supportive but she keeps hinting at getting back together with me and that just ain't going to happen. I even contacted Samantha but she was very standoffish. It seems she moved in with her boyfriend and I get the feeling that she won't renew our friendship because her boyfriend wouldn't like it. She has had relationship issue even tougher than mine...

Lidia finally moved out Saturday. It hit me harder than I thought it would. I cried off and on for most of the rest of the day.

I had a date with Mary Ann for dinner Saturday too and, on the whole, I think that this was helpful for me to get past the heavy emotionalism I was dealing with. I did break down and started talking trash about Lidia to her and now I feel very bad about this. It has definitely poisoned any type of goodwill that Mary Ann may have had about my relationship with Lidia. Now she's hyper-critical over any nice thing I mention that I may do for Lidia. I will not do that again.

The bad part of the situation is that Mary Ann was hinting heavily that she feels we are so right for each other and that she hopes we will get back together in the future, after my emotions for Lidia have run their course. Unfortunately, for her, I don't think this will ever happen but I don't want to shut her off and just tell her we don't have a chance together. I certainly don't reinforce those feelings she expresses but I don't shoot them down either. Not sure which is the best way to proceed here.

We then went to see "The Good Shepherd" at the movies on Sunday. This movie was very convoluted and almost plodding in it's story telling. It was nice to see a movie with someone where I didn't have to explain every little plot point and answer tiresome questions about it all the way through. Mary Ann kept going on how her ex never took her to the movies and how she missed a lot of good ones during her 15 month relationship.

What I didn't like was that she was critical that Lidia called me on Saturday but her ex called her Saturday too and again on Sunday! It's often that things are only wrong or bad when someone ELSE does them! It's human nature to be hypocritical.

So, I'm trying to be there for her too. She feels very strongly that her ex was completely wrong for her but she's pretty sure that he may try and get back into her life and that, for whatever reason, she may become intimate with him again. She realizes that if this were to happen they would probably start it up all over again. I know exactly what she's going through.

Lidia and I had a semi-serious talk this morning and she confirmed that our relationship was pretty much broken from the beginning. I always felt that our very first trip together, to San Diego, was the worst romantic trip I have ever had. It seems she felt the same way.

This was barely a week or two after she moved in with me. We both got pretty drunk at dinner and went back to the hotel. Unfortunately I don't remember it all too well, but I think we made love and then went back down to the lounge to listen to live music. I drank some more but I can't recall if she did too. I really liked the music but she was getting tired and we decided to go back to the room.

Back in the room I asked her for more oral but she declined with a bunch of reasons. I immediately got angry and started berating her about how she had said that she wanted to learn how to do it better and that she would "practice" a lot. This, of course, was the worst thing to do. She became defensive and I became even more verbally abusive. I ended up going to sleep sulking and fuming. This is when I began to feel cheated and manipulated. But Lidia said that this was when she felt abused and devalued. She said that if I was more calm and gentle that she would have been willing to try and please me more.

So, from then on, I guess, she shut down and held back her feelings and I became more verbally abusive. I think I was right in trying to end it early on but I was going about it in totally the wrong way. This was well over 2 years ago and I wish she had been much more forthcoming about this whole issue back then. I am not sure what I would have done differently because I didn't (and maybe still don't) have the tools to deal with my frustrations in a positive manner.

Edited to add: I just reread a much earlier blog post about our San Diego Valentine's weekend trip. I then wrote that I got upset and angry when Lidia put me off when she told me she wasn't in the mood when I pressed for more oral. I also wrote that I was hurt and felt misled and that I sulked for a time before I slept. I may have minimized the level of my verbal abuse but I had been pretty blunt and honest about my bad behaviors up till then. So, I now doubt that I was as verbally abusive then as she implied.

So, I'm vacilating between being mad at myself and being mad at her and often much of both. What I should really be doing is to try and let go of those negative feelings. I also want to let go of the positive ones too, as those make me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. Or make that we're doing the wrong thing. But, I know it's the right thing to do for both our sakes!

I realized that she talks to those other guys possibly to try and find the kind of support that she's not getting from me. But that doesn't make the duplicity okay. I know for sure that if she caught me doing the same thing, she'd be livid. When I first discovered this I felt that she was keeping one foot out the door already. This totally played into my fear of being abandoned and so was always ready to break up with her first!

But, life isn't fair and she's doing what she feels is right or what she feels she must do. Maybe, she's trying to make this breakup easier for herself too. She probably can't stand the thought of being alone, while I dislike the thought of her jumping into someone else's arms so quickly. And, honestly, I've done the exact same thing myself quite a bit when I was younger. I would also overlap relationships so that there was no gap or time for myself in between. At least, that was quite a while ago and I don't do that anymore.

I'm quite jealous of her ability to meet people so easily and to form personal bonds. It does hurt a lot that it was often with guys she would never tell me about. At least that's the way it seemed to me there at the end. I hope this was her way of getting to the end of our relationship and not something she was doing actively during our time together. I also fear that she's going to throw herself at some new guy who just happens to be nice to her. But, at least, it's a definite form of "closure" and a good motive for me to get on with my life!

Well she's moving out this Saturday and I'm fairly torn about the whole thing. I do still really care and I also want her gone so I can start healing. I guess I must admit that I was really the one more messed up emotionally and I accept most of the blame for the way things ended up.

I still keep hurting her even though I don't want to. I want her to leave without feeling too bad about everything as that's how I want to feel about this. I also want her to know how much she really, really hurt me too but I guess I really hurt myself and maybe I want her to feel bad after all. This is not a nice way to feel.

I will try and just be pleasant until she leaves. I will let her know I'm sad about the breakup but that it's still the right thing to do. I will try and keep my anger and hurt and jealousy under control.

My therapist was telling me that my big issue with relationships is that I choose emotionally unavailable women. I can definitely see that in how Lidia was when we first got together. It's a really bad defense mechanism for me so I can keep myself from truly committing to any relationship.

The problem arises because I can't really get intimate with someone unless I have some feelings for her. It's what keeps me from seeking out one-night stands and such.

In the end too, it's not my place to show her where I think she has deep issues still. I know I don't like it when she tries to do it to me. I do think she is unavailable emotionally. I've felt that from the beginning but I also know I contributed to those feelings of hers too.

My next mission is to get comfortable with myself again. To feel good about being alone. I do have a lot of work to do on self-improvement. I will work on my self-esteem especially so the next time I get in a relationship I will not be passive about it and will assert myself either way. I know that the avoidance of feeling all this hurt and anger is big reason why I don't end it when I probably should. And also why I agree to get back together when were separated.