So, here I am feeling all weepy again. I DO feel like a child who's lost his mommy, or daddy. And what happens now? She sends me a text message that she's not planning on doing anything with Ward's group this weekend.

What the fuck, it's only Tuesday, the weekend's still a ways away. I thought we agreed no contact for at least 3 months, preferably 6, unless it's an emergency or something similar.

Part of why I'm weepy is that I went to the singles club website and saw that Eric Lin was active recently. This was the guy that was interested in Lidia when we first started dating! I had seen in her phone records that she had called him in November or something like that. She told me that she just called to say hi and that he was living with a girlfriend now. Why is he active in a singles club if he's living with someone?

Of course, I don't know for sure what went on even as little as a few months ago but this seems like more duplicity from Lidia but I just feel so alone and unwanted that I really have to stop myself from doing something stupid like asking her back!!! Can't do that! I want to confront her about Eric! Can't do that either!!

I know I should tell her again that she can't keep sending me messages but again deep down inside is a little island of desire that thinks that we could make it work after all of this. I want to tell her how much I miss her and how painful this is for me but I can't! I won't!

This IS like going through withdrawals of a powerful drug. I used to love my autonomy at home, living alone and now the house feels so cold and empty. It's hard to sleep and I have no appetite.

Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and our relationship was pretty messed up right from the beginning, it doesn't help a whole lot at all. I am trying to see that this is the best for her too. If she really wants to get married then she needs to find the guy that will marry her, because that isn't me! But that's a whole other bridge I don't want to think about right now either.