Well she's moving out this Saturday and I'm fairly torn about the whole thing. I do still really care and I also want her gone so I can start healing. I guess I must admit that I was really the one more messed up emotionally and I accept most of the blame for the way things ended up.

I still keep hurting her even though I don't want to. I want her to leave without feeling too bad about everything as that's how I want to feel about this. I also want her to know how much she really, really hurt me too but I guess I really hurt myself and maybe I want her to feel bad after all. This is not a nice way to feel.

I will try and just be pleasant until she leaves. I will let her know I'm sad about the breakup but that it's still the right thing to do. I will try and keep my anger and hurt and jealousy under control.

My therapist was telling me that my big issue with relationships is that I choose emotionally unavailable women. I can definitely see that in how Lidia was when we first got together. It's a really bad defense mechanism for me so I can keep myself from truly committing to any relationship.

The problem arises because I can't really get intimate with someone unless I have some feelings for her. It's what keeps me from seeking out one-night stands and such.

In the end too, it's not my place to show her where I think she has deep issues still. I know I don't like it when she tries to do it to me. I do think she is unavailable emotionally. I've felt that from the beginning but I also know I contributed to those feelings of hers too.

My next mission is to get comfortable with myself again. To feel good about being alone. I do have a lot of work to do on self-improvement. I will work on my self-esteem especially so the next time I get in a relationship I will not be passive about it and will assert myself either way. I know that the avoidance of feeling all this hurt and anger is big reason why I don't end it when I probably should. And also why I agree to get back together when were separated.