Well, she finally came for the last of her stuff. I feel so sad but it doesn't seem to be sticking around as much or is as deeply felt as before. I should have insisted that I drop it off at her work so we didn't have to see each other but for some stupid reason I just want to punish myself. I seem to want to make this as emotionally painful for myself as possible.

I guess that's the Catholic in me, I feel that since I was the one who ended it but it wasn't all bad, I have to pay some penance. Or maybe I want her to see how bad I feel so she'll feel bad too. I could just barely contain my tears while she was here. She got pretty teary eyed too. She said that she wasn't going out at all because she was tired from working a bit extra at Massage Envy. The problem with that is that I know she has no problem lying if she thinks she's sparing my feelings. So, I guess I'll choose to believe her but in the back of my mind I think she's already dating.

So I feel like shit right now but it's slowly leaving me just feeling empty and numb. And the really stupid thing is that I KNOW that if we were to get back together that things would be just as frustrating and unsatisfying as before. I would put up with it for a few months and then I'd snap and break up with her again.

I again think the main feeling is of abandonment. Even though I want her to go, it hurst that she's actually leaving me. She was so caring and nurturing. I feel like "what am I going to do now??" I will finish the exercises in my "Coming Apart" book this weekend at least...