I was pretty much hung over all day Saturday. It was a very unproductive day. At least I went to bed early at like 10PM. I was planning on getting up early Sunday to go to the Original Pancake House but I decided to make my own breakfast.

I told Mary Ann that I would take her to sushi on Sunday so I figured I'd save some money and finish up my remaining eggs. I made a passable meal of fried eggs with tortillas. I was once again a little sad about Lidia. She could pop this meal out in about 10 minutes.

I'm seriously thinking about teaching myself how to be a good cook. I've got addicted to watching "America's Test Kitchen" on PBS and they make difficult recipes look almost easy, almost.

My main problem with this is that, aside from needing decent cookware, the recipes they make feed 4 or 6 people. It's a pain in the ass to cook only for yourself. I was thinking of cooking for Mary Ann but I think that may give her the wrong idea of our relationship. This also made me think about Lidia and how she wanted me to cook for her more often.

It seems that the longer we're apart the closer I become to the kind of guy she really wanted in the first place. More irony, I guess.

I went to dinner with Mary Ann last night. We went to La Torretta. It's a really good Italian restaurant. Lidia and I used to go there a lot. We decided to go because they send out coupons for $25 off. Even with that discount it was still pretty expensive. The real expensive part are the drinks.

Dinner was excellent there as usual. I did feel a bit melancholy about Lidia. As I said, we used to eat there a lot. We got to know the owner too. He stopped by and mentioned that he hadn't seen us there in a while. It was sort of ironic.

After that we went over to Buffalo Wild Wings to play some trivia and drink beer. I drank a lot and luckily Mary Ann was pacing herself so she could drive us home. I was sucking at trivia and it was due to all the alcohol I was drinking. Mary Ann was again plying me with liquor.

We stayed there until 11PM or so and I got shit faced. Mary Ann again offered to be friends with benefits and I again turned her down. I surprised myself since I was so drunk I thought I might give in this time.

I had a real good time overall. I just wish that she would pull back a bit and stop coming on so strong. I may need to have a talk with her about this in the near future.

Damn, I started feeling sad again today. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself more than anything else. I was thinking about Lidia again.

I need to do my ABCs of REBT. I started looking for IBs in my thoughts and they came forward pretty easily.

1. I must not feel sad ever.
2. Women I like must like me back at least at the same level
3. It should be easy to make new friends. I must never feel lonely.

Now, comes disputing them. That's actually pretty easy too because they are all irrational. I guess I still need to write it down so I can incorporate it into my thinking. I mean I know they are irrational but I still feel sort of sad so I may not really believe it.

I went to lunch with Julie today. I didn't feel much of a spark from her. It's sort of too bad for me because out of the three that I got contacted by she was far and away the one I like best. The lunch was fine and we talked pretty easily but there just wasn't much attraction toward me from her.

I do think that a big part of that is because we are about the same height and actually she is a little taller than me. I didn't check to see if she was wearing heels or not but I don't think so. In a way this is a good outcome. I'm going to have to go on a lot of dates before I meet someone who I would like to see seriously.

I did ask her out to dinner this Saturday but she declined. We did make tentative plans for lunch next week. Who knows what may happen in the future. I bet she has other dates with men she met at the speed date so this is the way it's supposed to work.

I've definitely been spoiled from the start-up of some past relationships. When I decide to date someone they very early on let know that they are interested in me. This ambivalence is off-putting to say the least but, I'm going to keep my options open with Julie. She would make a good friend too. She's smart, good looking and is taking tennis lessons this summer. She has a great laugh to, it's kind of deep and throaty.

I have a lunch date with Julie tomorrow. I was perusing her profile, and I saw that she wants kids. I don't want kids so I wonder what's my duty here. Do I tell her right away or do I assume that she's read my profile and should know that we differ on this issue.

Well I'm definitely going to lunch and we'll see what happens. I am not going to bring it up if she doesn't.

I ended up with 3 matches from my speed dating event. That's pretty good in my estimation. I thought maybe, I'd get one, Julie. We've already started emailing each other and we're getting together for lunch this coming Wednesday.

My main concern is that, according to her profile, she wants kids and, uh, I don't So, I just plan on seeing her Wednesday with no expectations (funny, I've been saying that a lot lately) and see how things proceed.

When we spoke at the speed date, she was very attractive, smart and funny. Just the kind of woman I would like to marry. She's 10 years younger than me though. That's funny too because in her profile her top age limit was 40. I'm wondering if I should ask her why she went on an older men/younger women event.

Update about Elaine. I don't think we're going to be friends after all. I sent her an email last week and still no response. She was always very late in replying to an email since she doesn't have easy Internet access but now it feels like she just isn't interested in staying in touch. Too bad, I liked her...

My speed dating experience last night, much like my life right now, was both fun and disappointing. I got there early enough so I caught the end of the previous event. That was the older group than I was in. There were some attractive women at that event but there were more women who were very out of shape. It was a bit disheartening. I didn't check out the men as closely but from I can recall, they were in pretty much the same proportions.

I was hanging around the bar before it started and one of the women attending, Julie, came to order a drink. I started talking to her and we hit it off really well just from some small talk. I immediately knew that she would be one woman I would like to see again and I got the impression that the feeling may be mutual. My main concern about her is that she was slightly taller than me. In fact that was the major disappointment of the night. I am too short!

At the start of the event, there were 2 more men than women because of no-shows. So, I had to sit by myself for the first 6 minutes. The first woman I talked to didn't seem too interested and it was only when we discovered that we both work for Wells Fargo that she became a bit more animated. But that wasn't much for her since her main job was selling things on eBay. I immediately flashed on the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin." The main love interest had a store where she sold items on eBay.

On the whole, it was a fun evening. I did really enjoy talking to all these women. They were all very warm and friendly for the most part. It was generally obvious when there wasn't any "chemistry" between us but there were very few awkward silences. I will select about 3 or 4 women to ask to be matched with. I think that maybe I can get a positive response from 1, maybe 2. I definitely hope to see Julie again. Again, I think my height was a tremendous disadvantage for me, especially when I sized up the competition. But since there's absolutely nothing I can do about it I don't let it bother me too much.

I will definitely try speed dating again. The next one coming up is for athletic and active singles. I am in the older age group for that event. What I am anticipating for that event is that most participants should be in decent shape. In fact I was pleasantly surprised that the women I met last night were all in nice shape and attractive with one exception. I think the next event may be more promising in that I imagine the women at this event may feel, since they were much younger than the men, that they had the upper hand and they were probably right on that point. Although, that's not all that unusual. Men do the pursuing and women do the choosing.

Hah! I just got a response from the event. Tracy would like to contact me. She was another woman I was attracted to but I didn't think I had much of a chance with her. She came across as kind of a typical "Scottsdale" woman, mostly just interested in having fun. Given my situation, this is a good match for me. She's an executive assistant which is politically correct speak for secretary, not that there's anything wrong with that.

What really struck me with her, and probably the only reason she wants to contact me, is that she runs a football betting pool. I told her that I used to participate in a pool with some friends but that it had been shut down for a couple of years now. Her pool is straight up rather than against the spread like the one I used to play in so it may be a bit easier. So, no expectations...

I think I am doing much better. I don't feel that weepy, sadness that I was feeling before my vacation. It's easy to know that time will help heal the emotional wounds but it's a different beast altogether to slog through the painful heartache in the interim.

I will admit that I still miss Lidia and I still go over different scenarios in my head. If only I did this or she did that or what if things were different now... The main difference that I can tell, is that I am not feeling the immense sadness of abandonment that was I feeling before. I wonder if this means Petey has gone back into my subconscious. I don't think I really did much to help that part of my psyche to heal.

My next big challenge and hopefully my last, is when Lidia comes to get the last of her furniture. I think she may expect me to help her unload it at her new place after we get it out of mine. I'm not sure if I want to know where she will be living. It's much better for me emotionally, if I don't have any contact with her and don't know where she's living. That would remove any temptation to stalk her. I wish she didn't work so close to where I live but I can't change that. I think I'll suggest that she rent a truck so the move can be done in one trip too.

I am hoping that this will be the end of any contact from her. At least for a long, long time. I asked her not to contact me before and she did anyway. Now, with all her stuff gone, there's no reason for her to contact me. I think it may be possible to be friends but that would be far in the future based on the way I still feel about her right now.

So after this I can start working on improving myself. I have lots of potential for growth left. On the other hand, I am kind of feeling sorry for myself right now after my big trip. I think I could have gotten laid if that's what I really wanted to accomplish. I feel pretty confident that I can date casually but I am a lot less confident that I can do casual sex. The main problem I had on my trip was that I wasn't very physically attracted to the women who seemed attracted to me. Too fat or too old or (shudder) both!

I had a very good time with Mary Ann. We went out to DC Ranch for dinner. Then we went to Eddie V's for drinks and maybe some dancing. We didn't dance there but we sang along a lot with the band. It was almost like our own karaoke bar. The songs were pretty old though but it was very fun singing them out loud.

The crowd was pretty old too so we weren't alone in singing along. There weren't a lot of people dancing anyway. The place emptied out around 10:45 pm or so. We decided to head out and check out San Felipe across the way.

We walked up to the entrance and there was this big Asian guy going in and I don't remember what set him off but he started saying how I looked like I'd like Mariachi music. Mary Ann thought the the guy was being a racist asshole but I didn't even take it that way. I guess I don't consider myself to be Mexican so I didn't pay much attention to him.

We then went over to this small bar called Baroque. It seems this is where a lot of the pretty, hip young people of Scottsdale go dancing. It was quite crowded and they were playing decent house music. Mary An and I danced for a bit, it was fun. Too bad we were the old farts there!

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I am avoiding updating my blog as a result.

I spoke to Lidia these last 2 days. She's coming for the last of her stuff the first weekend in May. I'm feeling sad again. I mentioned that all the stuff in my house reminds me of her. She said she misses me too but that this was the best for both of us. I found that sort of ironic. I just hinted that I'm still sad and she took it even farther.

I think I really need this to end. I still hold a lot of feelings for her and I still feel like trying to get back together. It's better that she's not interested in doing that. I am doing better though. That sad weepy feeling deep down has pretty much quited down. I guess little Petey is starting to feel better about our situation.

It'll be good to get her stuff out. Since Ward hasn't been doing much lately I don't feel like Lidia and I would run into each other at all. If she wasn't contacting me, I wouldn't even know if she was still around. It was stupid of me to check out her car when she said she was hit again. Even her last email invited me to keep in touch, "If you want!" Sorry, I don't want!

Reading Albert Ellis has helped too. I can understand that it's okay to still feel sad and even frustrated but that it's irrational to get all depressed about this. I am finding a lot of musts and shoulds still float around my thoughts. I know I'll be mostly happy again. Heck I'm happy now for the most part. It's only when I let my thoughts dwell on Lidia and the good things we had that I start getting sad again.

On another note, I'm going out with Mary Ann tonight. We're going out to celebrate her birthday. She's turning 47 today. I totally forgot to get her a card but in a way that's a good thing. She was saying how much she missed me during my trip. This may put her off a bit.

I spoke to Lidia today. I still have such strong feelings for her or maybe they're for our relationship and the good things about it. I do miss her cooking and cleaning a lot more than I thought I would. Heck I even miss the boring sex.

She's arranging to pick up the last of her stuff. This is a good thing for me to really get over her. Now I won't have to anticipate when she'll contact me again. We even spoke over the phone and got a little caught up in each others lives since she moved.

She said she's moving in with Shauna now that Shauna has to sell the house for the divorce. It's funny, they did not get along very well but I guess now they have more in common. She said that her landlord was asking for too much extra, like dog sitting, so she didn't want to stay there anymore.

I foolishly mentioned how much the things in my place remind me of her. She said she missed me too but that the break up was the right thing for us and she needed a commitment. I didn't want to get into another debate about our relationship so I just said I understood about her need for a commitment and that I was sorry for the bad ways I had treated her.

Truthfully, I don't think I could ever commit to her while she still has so many issues concerning her 2 ex husbands, along with our issues with intimacy. How could I fully commit when she was trying to get back with her first husband not 4 or 5 months after she moved in. She was still at it 2 years into our relationship and she was still hung up about her 2nd husband during all this time too.

I guess she felt she couldn't be honest with me about those things. She was rightly concerned that I would end the relationship if I knew the truth about her feelings. She's really being disingenuous going into serious relationships with those issues unresolved, for the most part.

I do feel cheated and so confused why I still have such feelings for her. I guess 3 years was more than enough time for me to really love her even as I was trying to push her away and constantly break it off with her. I know part of my problem is that I'm finding it difficult to meet someone new that I'm really attracted to like I was for her. Not to mention that it would be nice if they were attracted to me too.

Best day EVER! (Yesterday)

Woke up at 6AM to prepare for trip to Milford Sound. We weren't sure if the weather was going to permit our flights to depart. Found out early that we were a go!

We took a cab to the Queenstown airport. The driver was a really nice guy. I sat in the front sear on the left side of the car. It was a strange feeling at first to be on the passenger side, which is the driver's side in the states!

The driver had just been married 3 weeks earlier. He plaid the bag pipes as a hobby as a second job. He's been playing for over 19 years in many different countries. I was struck at how interesting the people you meet on vacation are!

The flight to Milford Sound was spectacular. Our pilot was a very cute woman named Megan. She took us up over the hills and over the fiords on the way to the sound. The scenery was awesome.

Took boat tour around the sound.

Flew to Glenorchy for jetboat ride. Not so impressed.

Then bus ride back to Queenstown.

Dinner at Fishbone... just ok.

Dancing at 12 bar... pretty dead mostly us ASA people.