Let the second guessing begin. Well once again I fucked up and gave Lidia a shot at wounding me again. I realize she didn't do anything intentionally and I just let my thoughts and emotions go off into fairy-tale land. And, of course, there's the fact that we are broken up completely!

When she replied that she wanted to meet I was already 20 steps ahead and thinking that we may reconcile and if we did how we could make it last this time. I had this whole scenario already planned out well before she put me off. How stupid of me. I just keep torturing myself.

I finally thought about what Sam was telling me. Her relationship with Chuck just sounds like it sucks. She says that she loves him so much that she will do almost anything to make it work. She described him as being worse than me when it came to keeping one foot out the door of their relationship. They've even seriously broken up once already.

I just keep thinking about maybe our relationship wasn't so bad after all. I compare us to my sister and her husband. I just can't believe they're still married. I think about how Vanessa treats her husband sometimes and I can't imagine that he's stayed with her, except maybe for the kid's sake. It's like me and my family need to be married to or with someone we can dominate. When I get down to thinking about that though, if I truly care about Lidia I would want her to be with someone who didn't feel that need.

So, I start thinking to myself. I feel ready to settle down and to grow the fuck up already and I could do a lot worse than to choose Lidia. I know it's probably, make that positively, too late for us as a couple and that makes me very sad. It's even more fucked up now since I met a woman I could really like but I am still so torn up about Lidia. It doesn't seem fair.

I do feel a need to be the dominant partner even though I did do a lot to help around the house and I certainly provided for her financially. Oh shit, isn't this great, more stuff to work on.

fuck, Fuck FUCK! Why do I do this to myself. I stupidly answered Lidia's email and I agreed to meet her to get the fucking CD that she wants copies of. So I'm already thinking ahead to what's going to happen when we meet... and what happens now? She texts me that this weekend isn't good for her and we'll have to do it some other time.

What the fuck. I fucking asked for it! Of course I'm thinking she's got a date or dates planned. Of course that's perfectly fine. We are no longer together and she can see whoever she wants. Even though I have absolutely no evidence one way or the other. And here I was thinking she was going to try and get me back.

I'm such a dick when it comes to her! When will I be able to let her go???

I had another very nice date with Elaine last night. We went to dinner and then to see "Breach." Dinner was very good too. We were going to go to Salute at first but when we got to Desert Ridge mall, we discovered that it had closed. That was too bad because they had really good food at really good prices.

We decided to go to CPK (California Pizza Kitchen) instead. It was a good choice they had a chicken piccatta that was very good. I decided to have a beer with dinner. This can sometimes get me in trouble because one beer can turn into two, then three and more, but this time I had only one and I didn't even think about ordering another one. Part of this is that I'm on my best dating behavior of course, but also, I really like Elaine and I don't want to do anything to fuck this up so early. (I'll wait till later to do that! (Just kidding!))

The movie was just OK. It was interesting as a character study. It was based on the story of FBI agent Robert Hanssen and his arrest for espionage in 2001. The main protagonist was a very devout Catholic and yet he was trading sex tapes of himself and his wife with other couples. I wonder if that was a true part of the actual case or some dramatic license. Not to mention that his treason was directly responsible for the deaths of at least 2 Russian agents. Cognitive dissonance strikes again! (I'm gaining some experience with it myself.)

We went straight home after the movie. I walked her to her door and I was wondering if we would kiss this time. She quickly made it clear why she hasn't let me kiss her yet, she is still getting over her cold. She was coughing a lot during the movie even after taking her prescription cough medicine. She gave me a very firm hug and told me that she didn't want to give me her "germies." Cute.

I immediately thought about giving a witty retort like "don't worry, I've opened a tab for you," but I decided to hold my tongue. I didn't want her to think that I'm expecting a kiss, or anything yet. I mean we've only gone out twice and I'd hate to repeat my stupid, fucking pattern of getting to emotionally involved to soon.

So, to break the pattern I didn't immediately ask her out again. I did mention that I was probably going to be on the Grayhawk hike this coming Saturday and that I hoped I'd see her there. Hm, maybe I'm kidding myself here, that sounds like a date request now that I put it out there. The jokes on me though, I just discovered that there's no hike scheduled for this Saturday. Ha!

She did mention that it was her birthday this Saturday, though. So, of course, I offered to take her out to celebrate. What else could I do? But, she deferred and said that her kids would probably have something planned. She wasn't completely sure which day it might be so I left my offer open. She also said that we wouldn't need to go anywhere expensive to celebrate. She had also offered to pay for the movie earlier too. I found it very reassuring that she wasn't interested in me for my money. (I did emphasize, however, that for a special occasion, like her birthday, a nice restaurant was a requirement!) We didn't make any firm plans at all, though.

I got her email address on the way home and I told her I would forward the hiking schedule I had gotten. She said she never got it herself. This is how I found out there's no hike this Saturday. I'll probably wait until tomorrow before I send her a message. I don't want look too eager or worse, desperate!

From the be careful what you wish for files. I had a strange experience happen this pas Saturday. I went to a class called "On-line Dating 101." I wasn't sure what I would learn since I've joined a couple on-line sites in the past.

This one was pretty basic and I really didn't gain much of value. At the end of class the teacher told us about some books we may want to read. One of the books she suggested was called "The Law of Attraction."

The book is very new agey and it talks about how you can get what you want by sort of asking for it. You're supposed to put your intentions out there into the ether and let a higher reality/conciuosness bring the things you want right to you.

Now of course, I don't believe in this sort of thing at all but I was kidding around and I started thinking to myself "I want Lidia back" a few times while I was sitting in class. So what happens when I get home after my date with Elaine? I had an email from Lidia in my inbox. It's so ironic, I haven't had any contact with her in over a month and I just had a really nice date.

She was asking if I kept copies of files that I gave her when I removed her account from my PC. It seems one disk I gave her was blank. Hmmm. I asked her to only contact me if it was an emergency and this didn't quite rise to that level but I'm weak so I wrote her back that no, I didn't keep copies but that I could copy the one good disk she still has and make as many as she wanted.

Truthfully, I'm not sure exactly what's going on in my mind. I do want to see her again even though I know that's not a good idea. I left it up to her though, I told her she could mail the disk to me and I would send back the copies. I have no idea what I'm trying to accomplish here except a little part of me does want to get back together.

That would be very selfish of me I think. I mean it would be interesting to go back and date like we should have in the first place but I don't see how that's even remotely possible. Way too much has gone on between us besides us living together.

But then here I am, watching married couples on Dr. Phil and my relationship with Lidia seems like Nirvana in comparison. I think at the end there even Lidia was getting bored with our relationship. Our last nights out before we actually split were spent with long moments of silence and we almost always can talk to each other. She was extremely passive-aggressive too.

She's probably as overwhelmed with feeling like me and wants things back to the way they were before so she can stop feeling so bad. That's not a good reason to get back together. I hope I can still do the right thing.

What a difference a date makes! I went out with Elaine, whom I met on my hike last week. We were supposed to go to Wild Fish but I couldn't get reservations so I decided that we should go to Eddie V's.

I called her during the week to finalize the tentative plans we had made during the hike. I wasn't sure she was going to go through with it because our phone conversation was a bit awkward. I didn't stay on the call very long as there seemed to be a lot of uncomfortable pauses on both our parts. I think this helped lower my expectations of our dinner quite a bit. That was probably a good thing.

I picked her up at her place Saturday evening. Wow, she looked good. I remember that I thought she was little chunky when I first met her on the hike, but now she looked pretty hot. She had her hair down and it reached the small of her back. It's a really attractive reddish-brown color, auburn, I guess.

The dinner was excellent and the conversation was even better. We pretty much told each other our life stories. This totally reminded me of a study I read about in which people that exchanged personal stories about themselves felt much closer to each other than people who just made regular small-talk. I did feel that we hit it off pretty well. We had arrived at 5:30pm and we stayed talking until around 8pm.

After dinner I took her straight home. She lives in my condo complex a couple of buildings down near the pool area. I feel a little nervous about that but not too much as I can't remember ever running in to her before. On the way home I asked for another date right away. I was thinking I might go to Los Angeles again the following weekend and since I'm booked during the entire week, my only free day is Monday. Otherwise, it would be more than a week before we could get together again. I was pleasantly surprised when she immediately agreed to my suggestion of a movie date. As I walked her to her door, I was nervous about whether I should kiss her or not but she made that decision for me and she just gave me a nice hug.

Went to a singles event last night. It was a dinner and game night at the club owner's house. As usual I was there a bit early so I sat in the car and waited for a few minutes as other people drove up. When I went into the house I couldn't believe how messy it was.

I was feeling sad as I've been missing Lidia a lot lately and I was a bit disappointed about the people who were showing up. I hate to sound so shallow but the women definitely tend toward being overweight and it was funny that most of the men there were of average build. The few guys that were very heavy were not single. Go figure!

The one woman that I spent a lot of time talking to was Denise. I shared a little bit of the wine that she brought. It was a really good Cabernet. I was worried that it was going to be very dry like the cabs I've tried before. It was from a winery called Castle Creek, I think. I only had one glass of wine for the entire night. Denise brought her own game to play and wouldn't you know it was Scene It!

How ironic. That was the last game I played when I was still with Lidia. I have a copy and we played it over the X-mas holiday with the friends she invited. I was bragging on well I would do then and my team came in last. Too funny! I remember being sad when we played because Lidia didn't play at all. She just sat and watched the rest of us play without her. I didn't understand why, we went to a lot of movies together and we've seen a lot of older ones on the myriad of movie channels I subscribe to. I wished she would have at least tried to play. It was fun and part of the fun is guessing when you don't know the answer.

This time my team won. We beat the hell out of everyone else and it was mostly because I answered the last few questions on my own. I found them very easy and a few of the other players knew the correct answer but I beat them to the finish!

I remember feeling sad at the beginning of the evening because I felt we were all a bunch of pathetic losers who didn't have friends or couldn't get a date. As the evening progressed though, I total revised my thinking. I really had a good time after all. Even though I didn't meet anyone I would consider dating, I felt like part of group and my team was very, very happy that I was with them and could help them win. I guess that's a little bit of conditional self-acceptance on my part but I do think I would have just as enjoyable a time even if my team had lost.

I think I need to work on my unconditional self-acceptance. I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

I don't know why, but I'm having a specially hard time thinking about Lidia. I even went to an old photo site and looked at some vacation pics. That was definitely a bad idea.

I left work early to have lunch at home and I so wanted to drive by Lidia's Massage Envy shop but I at least controlled myself then. I feel so weak sometimes, like it's just a matter of time before I collapse and do something foolish. It's far too late for any dramatic gestures, in any event. I still feel like a total mess!

So, all this stupid thinking is just making me sadder. I just can't stop thinking about Lidia and what if we could have made it work with a little more effort on my part, at least. I know I wasn't completely to blame for our problems but I feel like I should have done more! Maybe given her more time like she kept asking for. I don't know! I don't really think it would have made any difference. We weren't getting closer, that's for sure. It was just a matter of time. We were certainly getting tired of each other. So, why do I miss her so??

I so badly want to talk to her to ask her to be truthful about so many unanswered questions. Especially about her first husband Ed. I know she was trying to get back with him when he got in touch with her a few months after we moved in together. What happened with her and Eric that time we first really broke up. She was gone overnight that time too. That time she called me later the next day crying and begging to come home. She promised that things would be different and she would try harder. It never happened! I won't let myself call her or contact her in any way. I can't!

I think this was brought on by talking to my friend Noel from Los Angeles. I've always had such a crush on her and I even took her out last year when Lidia and were on a break. The bad part with Noel is that she is even more uptight about sex than Lidia. That goes double for her with oral sex. She thinks it's completely disgusting.

We've been in touch quite a bit since my most recent break and we had a really great time when I was in L.A. for Vanessa's baby shower. I know it could never work between us but it was nice to think about maybe bringing her out of her shell, kind of like I wished would have happened with Lidia. We exchanged a few emails this morning and agreed that we would never work as a couple. I felt sad about this. She's such a nice person. If only she would loosen up a bit. Okay, loosen up a whole lot!

Now I'm trying to see where these feelings are coming from. The main thing I feel is fear. I fear of being alone right now. I fear getting involved with someone new, just to be hurt all over again. I worry about having sex with someone new. I fear that even though I think I'm doing all the right things to get over her, it's not working. I want to ask her if she's seeing someone. That would sure put some "closer" to our relationship. I still need more help to get through this I think.

I went back to my "T/A" class last night. Therese was there and she had styled her hair differently. She really looked good and I told her so. Now, of course, she doesn't seem at all interested in me. Oh well, I guess I can't blame her as I often speak about my lingering feeling for my ex in class. That's got to be quite the turn off.

I'm still having a hard time swallowing all the stuff that Dr. Nichol says in class. He invited a woman from his group therapy to speak to us. She's been seeing him professionally for over 18 years! Holy shit, that's a long time to be in therapy! I don't think she's still in therapy as she mentioned she's know the Doc for over 23 years but still!

So, she watched us all speak and then Dr. Nichol had her describe what "scripts" she thought we were operating under. Apparently, I have 2 major scripts: Please Others and Be Perfect. this whole aspect of scripts seems overly broad to me. I was reminded of horoscopes and how each one can describe different aspects of the same person. It all seems a bit to non-specific for me.

When we talked about the "Games" people play, I felt a shock of recognition. Lidia and I would play "If only you would..." This meant that when I would break up with her, I would often add that we could work it out "if only she would do this or that!" She would then always promise to change or try harder and we would reconcile. Then a few months later, when nothing had changed for me, I would start the game all over again, with the same outcome. I realized that this class did add to my self-discovery. I am gaining new insight. I keep repeating the same ineffective patterns in ways I hadn't even thought of. I truly want to stop!

Dr. Nichol asked me to bring a description of what I want in a woman to our next class. Luckily, I have the beginnings of that in a file I wrote for my therapist. I pretty much described a woman who is not all like Lidia. Now, however, I am having second thoughts about this. I am thinking that it may be healthier for me to become "happily single," rather than trying to find my next girlfriend right away.

I feel some fear in this because I know Lidia is probably desperate to get into a new relationship. I know she did that last year when we seemed to break it off for certain. I know it's irrational to expect life to be fair but it does feel unfair that I'm going through all this inner turmoil and consciously avoiding a new relationship but she's likely not. I'm sure she's hurting inside but she's probably easing that hurt in the arms of someone new. I know that she wanted to remarry very much and I pretty much did not. Since I care for her very much, the best thing to do is to let her go to find what she really wants. Now, I can discover what I truly want!

I got yet another book on REBT by Albert Ellis. It's an updated edition of "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything. Yes Anything." The pub date is 2006, so I hope it's even more effective than his earlier books. I just can't imagine working many years with "T/A" to get to a point where I'm mostly happy again. I want to feel better now!

Someone called me last night and hung up as soon as I said "hello." Of course I immediately thought it might be Lidia. I didn't call her or even hit *69 to see if it was her but I did immediately start torturing myself. The last couple of days I have been really missing her again. I'm trying to understand why!

I am telling myself that at the very minimum I need to wait 3 months before doing anything foolish. That's also the amount of time that Lidia kept saying I would take before I broke it off with her again. There definitely was a pattern. I would want to break up and talk to Lidia about it but then she would say we shouldn't and would promise to try harder. I would decide to wait and see what happens and I would also try harder. Then a few months, maybe 3 months later, I would get so frustrated that I would be ready to break up again.

So maybe 3 months is my threshold for emotional changes. If I can just hold off doing anything rash for a month and a half, then I'll get through this emotional pain. I know if we were to get back together, it would be good for a couple of months and then the patter would most likely reemerge.

Shit, at this point we couldn't just fall back into a relationship. Too much time has already passed, I think. She may even be feeling worse then I but that would just make reconciling that much more awkward. I don't think either of us would have much trust in the other. I don't think I could ever make her feel secure enough with me for her to lower her emotional walls.

I often wish I'd had the balls to break it off with her last March. At the very least I would be passed this emotional stage by now. At least I would hope so.

I really feel like I'm back in my twenties and I just broke up with Erin all over again. Lidia reminded me a lot of Erin and when I finally broke up with Erin, I ended up stalking her and asking her to come back to me.

We would break up and get back together much like have been with Lidia. I remember it finally ended completely when Erin started going out with a co-worker named Bob. I once again asked her to get back together and she told me no! She ended up marrying him and I heard that they started a family not long afterward.

This is surprising to me as I'm some 20 years older now but it seems not much wiser. I still don't know what to do to get past all these feelings. I know time helps but it just seems to take forever. I know I'm doing all the right things but it just doesn't seem to help much.

Good days and bad days. This is more of a bad day. It really started last night. I made the mistake of buying beer when I went grocery shopping. At least I picked a good time to shop, the store was pretty empty. The rain must have put people off too. I got soaked taking the groceries to my car. I kept getting the urge to call Lidia and ask her if she needed anything like when we were living together.

I bought some fried chicken and steamed veggies for dinner. Plus I got a bottle of wine and a six pack of Bohemia. I immediately started drinking the beer when I got home. I don't know where my tolerance went but just a few bottles gets me quite drunk now. I think it's a big sign that I really need to lay off drinking, especially beer for a long, long time, if not forever.

I only drank 3 bottles but I was sure feeling it. So as a result I started thinking about Lidia and how much I miss her cooking. I realize how selfish that sounds now but she really did enjoy cooking much of the time. I didn't really feel that it expressed her feelings for me though. I would much have had her tell me she loved me, but she didn't seem able to do that. I don't think she felt that way toward me often. I know that doing the right thing is often hard and this is sure that!

The alcohol really disturbed my sleep pattern and I was awake until past mid-night. I also awakened around 5am. Well before I need to get up. I lay in bed just thinking about how much I miss her sleeping next to me. I know I need more time and I'm looking forward to getting out of town on my trip at the end of March.

I think the alcohol releases the inhibitions I have about thinking about her. When I am fully alert I realize that we aren't right for each other and that this separation is the best thing for both of us. I do hope she's doing okay. Even though deep down inside, I hope she's hurting at least a little bit about me. It seems only fair...

So, now I'm thinking about what my therapist said about if Lidia and I are "meant" to be together. I dismissed it pretty much out of hand. I really don't believe in any "higher power" that directs human existence, or "fate" if you will. I mean, come on, what's the mechanism. To me it's all wishful thinking with post-hoc explanations.

But then I got thinking about Jill and Mary Ann. They're both ex-girlfriends from way back and I could get back together with either of them if I so choose. I guess this would qualify as meant to be together, sort of. I would argue though that this is not what either of them would have had in mind. To me this shows how easy it is find pretty much anyone via the internet.

I now wonder what the future has in store for me say, 6 months from now. Will I be in a new relationship already? Will Lidia? I wonder if she'll get in contact with me? How will I feel about her then?

I remember her emails to and and from Ed when he got back in touch with her after 5 years without any contact. She was certainly trying to see if they could get back together. This was yet another huge red flag that I foolishly ignored while I listened to her excuses for her emails and her promises for the future of our love life.

I deserve better.

On the other hand Lidia deserves better than I sometimes gave her too. She deserves someone who doesn't degrade her verbally, nor belittles her sexuality, nor subjects her to viewing material she finds objectionable, who implies she's stupid. I am not blameless in all this. I think I care enough about her to want her to be happy. I want her to find the right relationship, so she can feel secure enough to grow and really find herself. I would think that she wants the same for me.

I took Mary Ann to the WF 25 year honor dinner last night. She immediately encouraged me to start drinking. I'm not sure if I like that about our friendship. I discovered the reason why she wanted to get me drunk in pretty short order.

Seems that she wants to become "fuck buddies." I already knew this from the first time that we went out. I'm not so physically attracted to her anymore, she's put on some weight since we were together. So, I don't even know if I could perform with her...

My main concern would be to spoil our friendship somehow. I mean if she falls for me again and I have to cut her off if I start dating someone seriously. That would probably hurt her. It would have been a lot lot harder to stay separated from Lidia if I didn't have Mary Ann's friendship and support.

I sure got some thinking to do.

I went on a hike this morning. I had a really good time. We had an interesting group of people from seniors to a family with a teen aged boy. I did think a bit about Lidia and how easy this hike would have been for her and that she had always wanted me to hike with her.

We split into 2 groups with the majority of people going on a strenuous hike up Elephant hill. My group went on a much easier and shorter hike. I think I met a new friend. In our group was a woman named Elaine. We spent a lot of time talking on the hike and I felt pretty comfortable with her. She's also in the tech field. She does programming on People Soft for Petsmart.

While physically, she's not exactly my type, I decided to ask her out anyway because I think we could have fun. I noticed I do have a tendency to project a new relationship out in the future. Our main difference is that she doesn't eat much meat and she isn't big on watching TV. That's 2 of my favorite activities. I realized that thinking that way is something that I don't want to use to hold me back from going out with someone. I actually had to tell myself. "It's just a fucking date, I don't have to marry her or move in with her. Dating is for getting to know someone and not for getting to know your bride!"

I asked her out to dinner for this next Saturday. It's my only free day coming up next week.
I am going to a singles board game event on Friday and the a singles Oscar event Sunday evening. This is going to be a busy week.

I went to a happy hour with Ward. I was pretty nervous at first because I expected Lidia to show up. When I got there Ward was already there with Shari. Shari is a very nice woman who is also very tall. She's about 5'11"

I sat next to her and she immediately told me how good I looked. I was surprised how complimentary she was. She asked me if I'd lost weight and when I told her I had she said I'd better not lose any more or I'd look too skinny. She also said that even my hands looked smaller. I sort of felt that she was coming on to me. It was very, very nice to feel that I was attractive to a woman like Shari. I wonder if she'd date a guy who is 6 inches shorter.

I got a little sad last night when they started talking about Scot. Shari seemed very friendly toward him by the way she talked about him. I just wanted to scream and call him an asshole for sleeping with Lidia. They said that he had been dating this European-Indian woman but she may have broken up with him because he wasn't aggressive enough. I got to wondering if Lidia got back in touch with him... It made me a little sad.

I stayed till about 8pm and no sign of Lidia. I wondered who she was with. I think that Ward didn't send her a direct email about this happy hour. I'm pretty sure she doesn't check the main website much. I was going hiking the next morning so I decided from the beginning that I wasn't going to drink and I was leaving early. I drank club soda. They were $2.50 each! Dang!

Dinner with Therese last night had me in a bit of emotional turmoil. It started out pretty pleasant but I started thinking about Lidia and I started wishing I was with her. I was very impressed with Therese's liking of sushi. She even suggested we have the sashimi, which is just the fish without the sushi rice. I was thinking that's something Lidia would never have done. I actively tried to push those thoughts away and just enjoy our dinner and conversation. We drank water and hot green tea all evening.

Therese was very knowledgeable about current events and politics. It was a real pleasure just to talk to her. Our conversation drifted from subject to subject. She also spent a lot of time talking about herself and her family. She also started talking about a few guy friends she has. Now this really surprised me because in class she lamented that she had no close friend that she could call up and invite to dinner but when she was talking about these guys it sounded like she was very close to at least 2 of them. So, I wonder where all the self-pity is coming from. I think it has much more to do with her childhood and especially her mother than her social situation in the present. She definitely has quite a few friends that she seemed very close to when she talked about them. Curious!

Then she sort of deflated my ego a bit when she stated that she wasn't really interested in dating but if she was she was friends with this German man and she would probably be dating him. She described him as very cold and distant. She said that they went to movies together and she would lean in toward him and once she touched him on his shoulder and the guy practically jumped out of the seat. This seems to be the reason she's not dating him and not because she's not interested in dating. I guess that's better than trying to win over someone who has a trait that is so off-putting. I told her I couldn't date someone who wasn't physically affectionate. In fact, one of the reasons I ended it with Lidia was that she didn't enjoy French kissing. It did feel like a rejection and I again started missing Lidia. It was mostly because of self-pity again as I don't like feeling rejected even if she was pretty gentle about it.

I'm not even very attracted to her physically but I felt myself trying to charm her and sort of win her over. It felt sort of like a first date. She sure did dress nicely too, while I was just in jeans and a nice shirt. At the very least I felt the old thrill of the chase bubble up. I was both disheartened and excited at the prospect of going on a lot of first dates in the future. Turmoil, is a good word for it...

I've been sad that last couple of days. I think much of it is due to jealousy. I think that Lidia is already seeing someone else and that she's got a big romantic date coming up for Valentine's day. I know life isn't fair but I still feel cheated that I have strong feelings for her still and I imagine that she's jumping into a new relationship right away in an effort to get over me.

I guess I'm feeling a bit frustrated too that I am taking this time to learn more about myself and to try and change my behaviors so that I can recognize when a person is wrong or right for me with out spending a lot of time and emotional investment in a relationship with that person. It would be so much easier to just give in to my pain and contact Lidia and trade it all in for a different kind of pain. Not a good option, I must admit. I fantasize that she would be different if I was different but of course, she wouldn't be different, why should she?

I remember that she would sometimes mention her boss Allison and Allison's husband bill. She said that they were on the verge of a divorce and that they had separated for almost a year. She said Bill was diagnosed with ADD and went on medication and after that, he and Allison got back together. I wonder if she fantasizes that we will get back together in the future? Would she let that interfere with establishing a new relationship in the meantime? It might make things worse for her I think. I often felt, after reading one of her emails, that she was still hoping that either one of her ex-husbands would want to reconcile. I know a person can have feelings for than one significant other but I felt, early on, that if, say Ed, asked her to get back together that she would drop me like a ton of bricks.

So now, when I realize that a person is not right for me, I want to be able to exit the relationship with a minimum of negative feelings. My worry is that I won't be able to date someone so casually. My emotions are always near the surface and they can be so strong at times. I also feel that dating a lot of people means that a guy is a "player," with a lot of negative connotations involved. I've been through many break-ups and I think I can say that this one is not the worst but it's certainly up there in the top 5.

Well at least I have something to do this Wednesday. I am meeting Therese for sushi. She's a very nice woman but she has self-acceptance issues that go way beyond mine, I think. She said in class that she feels unlovable. We were all shocked. Therese is a smart, attractive woman, (well except for her hair) we couldn't understand how she could think that. She did elaborate about how her parents wanted her to fail and that as a result she felt unloved and unwanted. It is more evidence how much our childhood affects our adult lives.

I had a very nice time with my family in L.A. this past weekend. I didn't drink any alcohol even though most everyone around me was drinking. We had a great time playing games at Rebecca's house. That seems to be place to hang out. I wonder if Noel would have had fun playing with us?

I took her to the baby shower with me on Saturday. We spent a lot of time talking about our respective situations. The first thing I noticed was man, did she look good. She's lost a lot of weight and she's almost to the point of being too skinny but it's funny that she still has a little tummy. The shitty part is that her boyfriend would tease her about it. He even tried talking her to get it removed by liposuction. He even took her to a Dr for an evaluation. Damn, that's pretty harsh. I can image how harmful it is to her body image, not to mention her self-esteem. It made me feel bad because I did some of the same things to Lidia whenever I felt especially frustrated. When I thought I was ready to break it off, I would practically demolish her self-esteem. I was way too cruel. So there's a part of me that wants to make it up to her by getting back together.

Anyway, I spent much of the evening talking to Noel. She was really having troubles with her boyfriend of 8 months. The way she talked about him and the way she described his behaviors made me think that maybe he's bi-polar. She said that he would probably never consent to therapy. Noel surprised me when she told me that she was going to go see a therapist in 2 weeks. Her therapist is the head of some psych department at UCLA, or was it USC? I forgot. I hope she can help Noel with her lack of confidence.

Okay so here's the tricky part. On the way back home, (Oh yeah I had to take her home before it got dark because she doesn't like to drive at night. :-/) I straight out asked her if they've slept together yet and she said "no." Damn, it's been 8 months and she still has been intimate with him. No wonder he's acting strange. She's even more rigid in her principles than I am! I am very attracted to her but I think I would be crazy to get involved with someone who's so out of touch with her own sexuality. Talk about uptight!

I took a step forward in class last night. One of my classmates is a nice woman named Terese. We were talking about our issues for a T/A contract and her issues was pretty sad. She said, "I am unlovable, hence I am alone." She talked about how lonely she was and that although she kept herself busy she didn't have anyone she could call to go out to dinner with.

I then immediately spoke up and said "You could call me!" She didn't respond because she was still talking but the teacher stopped her and told her what a nice thing Pete was doing. She was sort of taken aback. She said that she didn't respond because she thought I was being sarcastic. The teacher kept telling her that she was closing herself off to acceptance. I told her I was serious and that I didn't mean any sarcasm at all.

I felt bad for her because the teacher kept after her about accepting my offer and that she needs be open to such offers and opportunities. She said that she felt it a bit inappropriate to discuss something like this in class but if I talk to her outside of class that she would consider having dinner with me. I did talk to her after class and we exchanged email addresses. I could have gotten her cell phone number but I felt that that would be a little too personal too soon.

We stayed after class and talk with the teacher more and I walked with her out to the parking lot and we talked a bit going to dinner. She seems like a very nice person and I told her that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend but a friend in general. We agreed to go out next Wednesday. I realized later that that's Valentine's day. That seems a bit ironic. I'll email her today to see if she meant this Wednesday or the next Wednesday.

Now, for the step back. I was really missing Lidia this morning. I am really missing the physical closeness of living together. I really miss the easy hugging and the cuddling in bed. I am also still missing the sexual intimacy a lot too. I am also missing the way she would make me breakfast when I worked from home on Fridays. Damn, I am feeling again that I may have made a mistake in breaking up with her. Why is it so hard to let her go? I know it's only been 4 weeks since she moved out but I'm still so sad...

I had dinner with Ward last night and I was really nervous about it beforehand. I was worried that he would say he's seen Lidia at some of his happy hours, flirting with a bunch of different guys. It's going to be a while before I can get past this possessiveness and jealousy. We hardly talked about Lidia at all and I am proud of myself that I didn't trash her or even really say any negative things about her to Ward. He's a nice guy but I know for a fact that he likes to gossip quite a bit.

We had a nice long talk during dinner and he caught me up with all his doings for the last couple of years. I hadn't gone to any of his events since Lidia had been with Scott early last year. He wasn't really dating anyone serious but he still had a close relationship with Jude. He surprised me when he said he was probably not going to see her much anymore. It seems she wasn't very supportive with his problems when his daughter and father passed away last year. He's been through much much lost last year but he still seems very positive about life in spite of it all. That's so cool.

He was very "matter of fact" about his feelings toward Jude now. I was a little envious that he could be so nonchalant about a relationship he's been in for at least as long as I was with Lidia. I felt I need to be supportive so I let him talk about his life and times pretty much. It was enlightening for me too. He seems pretty comfortable with being single in the future and not being so concerned with finding that "special lady." That is a good role model for me to emulate, I think.

He really helped my esteem when he told me that he thought I was a really good guy and that I had a lot to offer some woman. He also mentioned that he thought I was pretty good looking too. How funny, he was a bit embarrassed to tell me that. I did mention how incompatible Lidia and I were and he understood pretty well how important that can be in a relationship.

I told him that I wasn't looking to jump right into a serious relationship right away. I'm going to try and date casually for a while. I think it's his approach to dating too so I'll have to pick his brain about it one of these days. My challenge now is to not come across as needy or desperate as I'm feeling inside.

Well I'm feeling like I really miss Lidia again. I've decided to give up drinking and I know that's something that she would have wanted me to do too. I should probably cut down on the porn and masturbation for a while too. That would also have made her happy.

But of course it would never be enough for her. I could never be the man that she could completely give her heart to. She would still have her previous issues with both her ex-husbands. I think she may feel that she could have been happy with Ed if she had been as sexual as she thought I wanted her to be. And of course she still has a lot of unresolved feelings for Mark.

I have to remember that, to use an awful cliche, there's still a lot of fish in the sea. I'm not going to meet someone exactly like Lidia and that's probably a good thing. I want to meet someone like I described in my 5 year narrative. My problem is to be the kind of man that a woman like that would be interested in. I think a guy that doesn't drink would acceptable.

So, why did I drink my beer so fast at the Superbowl party? Good question and my first inclination is to say "bad habit" but there's got to be a better reason than that. Let me try and recreate the situation.

Got to the part and saw Diego. I immediately thought of Lidia. He was pretty nice and so I went inside and had my first beer. I saw Dan, who used to own the singles club. We talked about how I hadn't been around much since I was in a relationship but now that I'm single, I'm back in the market. It was kind of disheartening to think that I'm starting all over again in the singles world.

I then finished my beer and got a second one and went to the buffet for some food. I ran into this guy I'd met in the group a long time ago. His name is Elliot. Again, the first thing that struck me was here was a guy who I knew from a long time ago and he's still single. I think I jumped to the conclusion that he was looking for a relationship even though I we didn't talk about why he was still in the group but I was again saddened by thinking about "I may never meet anyone I want to be in a long term relationship with."

I finished my beer and got a 3rd. This was all about in 1 hours time. Then I saw a woman I met at the Belly dancing dinner. Alida, we said "Hi" to each other and she proceeded to pretty much ignore me for the rest of the party. I got a little angry I guess because she seemed pretty friendly at the dinner and I thought she would at least chat with me for bit. I guess this shows that I really don't like rejection. So I finished my beer and went for the last one I brought. This was a good micro-brew and it was very strong too. I didn't eat much so the alcohol was affecting me pretty strongly.

I was walking around the house checking out the women who were there. I ended up talking to another woman from the Belly dancing dinner, Christine. She was quite a bit younger than me and not even that pretty but she was easy to talk to. I think I was starting to feel more angry that there just wasn't anyone there I felt any spark with. I finished my last beer. I knew that a lot of people brought beer and there was a lot of "extras" so I just grabbed another one for myself.

I spent most of the next hour or so talking to Christine and watching the game. I felt myself getting pretty drunk on this 5th beer but I finished it pretty quickly talking to Christine and went for another. Christine was only drinking soda, I should add. She was nice and everything but not my type so I don't know why I spent so much time talking to her except that she was pretty easy to talk to and she didn't run away or anything.

I got the 6th beer from the cooler and stood around the kitchen table trying to get into the conversation. By now, my inhibitions were gone and I drank that beer quickly and got another one, my 7th. I think it was here where I started talking to the hostess, Janice. I seriously can't remember how we got onto the topic of religion but we were on opposite side of the issue and I got very personal and belligerent in my arguments. I was really being an asshole. I could tell she was getting angry with me but I just didn't stop. She eventually told me that we should stop this discussion and try again at another time when I wasn't so drunk. She was absolutely right and I think she just got up from the table and left. I then got up walked straight out the front the door and got into my car and drove home very, very drunk!

I made it home luckily, I didn't run itno anything or anyone and no cops. I pretty much passed out in bed but woke up around 1am with a slight hang-over. I guess my tolerance is pretty high for me to avoid a major hang-over. I stayed awake the rest of the night thinking about what a jerk I had been and how it may get back to Lidia. The hostess is Diego's girlfriend and Lidia was going to rent a room from him when we first broke up in December. Maybe, I wanted her to hear about my fuck up so she would contact me and I could talk to her. I don't know...

Damn it, I did it again. I relapsed big time this past Sunday. I went to the Superbowl party looking to have a good time and meet some new people but instead I got pretty drunk. I even got into an argument about religion vs. atheism with the hostess. I totally made a fool of myself. She realized how drunk I was and told me that we could talk about it again when I wasn't so drunk.

My big concern is that I stupidly drove home in that condition. That nothing happened just shows how lucky I was that traffic was light and I didn't go by any cops. I was pretty drunk and I would have been busted under the extreme DUI charge, I'm sure.

I can not do this again! So, once again, I am going to give it up. I'm going to completely stop drinking. This means no mixed drinks, no wine and especially no beer. I hope I can recover my reputation among the people who saw me or heard me at the party. What I need to do is go to more parties and remain stone cold sober.

It's funny too that my first event for the belly dancing dinner went pretty well too. I had 1 glass of wine and 1 shot of Raki. I didn't get drunk at all and I felt relaxed enough to really enjoy myself.

Now, I feel once again that I really miss Lidia. I know my drinking was a big part of why we couldn't make it work out. I sort of feel that if I'm really going to give it up that I should get back with her again. I know that's stupid though and I'm really just feeling sorry for myself. I want her back to take care of me again, then, most likely, in a few months I would get frustrated with all our incompatibilities and want to break up again.

I feel like a pathetic loser right now!

I have to take my life in my own hands. Getting back with Lidia would be wrong because it would just be perpetuating my passivity when it comes to relationships. Lidia pursued me and even though I feel we weren't compatible I went along with her. I will not be passive anymore.

Feeling lonely today. Even chatting on-line with people in my same situation didn't help a whole lot. They had some good advice too.

I guess I'm feeling a little apprehensive about this weekend. I hope I can keep things light and not come across as to desperate or needy and I worry that I won't meet anyone that looks like I'd even want to ask them out.

The Superbowl part may be even worse as I'm not too keen on meeting a woman with young kids. There may be some men there that I may be able to talk to at least.

I had some idea what it was going to be like after I broke up with Lidia but it's still hard to deal with right now. At least I've got some things coming up over the next week to keep me occupied. I may have a better frame of mind when I get back. I sure hope so.

Today, my inner child is feeling pretty fucking sad again. I am telling Petey that it's okay to still feel sad. You still need some more time. I want to remind Petey that he was also sad when we were together too. Remember how frustrated you felt when making love to her? She was agreeable but it often felt like she was doing it out of duty or because she knew it was important to us. She rarely seemed to enjoy it much.

She used to say that she could really take it or leave it. That's a pretty big red flag that we weren't compatible sexually. I was reading the other day that if someone just isn't interested in sex that there's little hope of them changing their minds.

Here's something else I can tell Petey: Remember how things were before you ever met Lidia. You lived alone and pretty much enjoyed it. You hardly spent any time with Andy so it isn't much different than the way our social life is now. You were doing things with singles groups and that was pretty fun. So, it's going to be sort of like that from now until whenever. See, it's going to be alright. Heck even better, it's going to be fun!