So, now I'm thinking about what my therapist said about if Lidia and I are "meant" to be together. I dismissed it pretty much out of hand. I really don't believe in any "higher power" that directs human existence, or "fate" if you will. I mean, come on, what's the mechanism. To me it's all wishful thinking with post-hoc explanations.

But then I got thinking about Jill and Mary Ann. They're both ex-girlfriends from way back and I could get back together with either of them if I so choose. I guess this would qualify as meant to be together, sort of. I would argue though that this is not what either of them would have had in mind. To me this shows how easy it is find pretty much anyone via the internet.

I now wonder what the future has in store for me say, 6 months from now. Will I be in a new relationship already? Will Lidia? I wonder if she'll get in contact with me? How will I feel about her then?

I remember her emails to and and from Ed when he got back in touch with her after 5 years without any contact. She was certainly trying to see if they could get back together. This was yet another huge red flag that I foolishly ignored while I listened to her excuses for her emails and her promises for the future of our love life.

I deserve better.

On the other hand Lidia deserves better than I sometimes gave her too. She deserves someone who doesn't degrade her verbally, nor belittles her sexuality, nor subjects her to viewing material she finds objectionable, who implies she's stupid. I am not blameless in all this. I think I care enough about her to want her to be happy. I want her to find the right relationship, so she can feel secure enough to grow and really find herself. I would think that she wants the same for me.