Let the second guessing begin. Well once again I fucked up and gave Lidia a shot at wounding me again. I realize she didn't do anything intentionally and I just let my thoughts and emotions go off into fairy-tale land. And, of course, there's the fact that we are broken up completely!

When she replied that she wanted to meet I was already 20 steps ahead and thinking that we may reconcile and if we did how we could make it last this time. I had this whole scenario already planned out well before she put me off. How stupid of me. I just keep torturing myself.

I finally thought about what Sam was telling me. Her relationship with Chuck just sounds like it sucks. She says that she loves him so much that she will do almost anything to make it work. She described him as being worse than me when it came to keeping one foot out the door of their relationship. They've even seriously broken up once already.

I just keep thinking about maybe our relationship wasn't so bad after all. I compare us to my sister and her husband. I just can't believe they're still married. I think about how Vanessa treats her husband sometimes and I can't imagine that he's stayed with her, except maybe for the kid's sake. It's like me and my family need to be married to or with someone we can dominate. When I get down to thinking about that though, if I truly care about Lidia I would want her to be with someone who didn't feel that need.

So, I start thinking to myself. I feel ready to settle down and to grow the fuck up already and I could do a lot worse than to choose Lidia. I know it's probably, make that positively, too late for us as a couple and that makes me very sad. It's even more fucked up now since I met a woman I could really like but I am still so torn up about Lidia. It doesn't seem fair.

I do feel a need to be the dominant partner even though I did do a lot to help around the house and I certainly provided for her financially. Oh shit, isn't this great, more stuff to work on.