Someone called me last night and hung up as soon as I said "hello." Of course I immediately thought it might be Lidia. I didn't call her or even hit *69 to see if it was her but I did immediately start torturing myself. The last couple of days I have been really missing her again. I'm trying to understand why!

I am telling myself that at the very minimum I need to wait 3 months before doing anything foolish. That's also the amount of time that Lidia kept saying I would take before I broke it off with her again. There definitely was a pattern. I would want to break up and talk to Lidia about it but then she would say we shouldn't and would promise to try harder. I would decide to wait and see what happens and I would also try harder. Then a few months, maybe 3 months later, I would get so frustrated that I would be ready to break up again.

So maybe 3 months is my threshold for emotional changes. If I can just hold off doing anything rash for a month and a half, then I'll get through this emotional pain. I know if we were to get back together, it would be good for a couple of months and then the patter would most likely reemerge.

Shit, at this point we couldn't just fall back into a relationship. Too much time has already passed, I think. She may even be feeling worse then I but that would just make reconciling that much more awkward. I don't think either of us would have much trust in the other. I don't think I could ever make her feel secure enough with me for her to lower her emotional walls.

I often wish I'd had the balls to break it off with her last March. At the very least I would be passed this emotional stage by now. At least I would hope so.