Good days and bad days. This is more of a bad day. It really started last night. I made the mistake of buying beer when I went grocery shopping. At least I picked a good time to shop, the store was pretty empty. The rain must have put people off too. I got soaked taking the groceries to my car. I kept getting the urge to call Lidia and ask her if she needed anything like when we were living together.

I bought some fried chicken and steamed veggies for dinner. Plus I got a bottle of wine and a six pack of Bohemia. I immediately started drinking the beer when I got home. I don't know where my tolerance went but just a few bottles gets me quite drunk now. I think it's a big sign that I really need to lay off drinking, especially beer for a long, long time, if not forever.

I only drank 3 bottles but I was sure feeling it. So as a result I started thinking about Lidia and how much I miss her cooking. I realize how selfish that sounds now but she really did enjoy cooking much of the time. I didn't really feel that it expressed her feelings for me though. I would much have had her tell me she loved me, but she didn't seem able to do that. I don't think she felt that way toward me often. I know that doing the right thing is often hard and this is sure that!

The alcohol really disturbed my sleep pattern and I was awake until past mid-night. I also awakened around 5am. Well before I need to get up. I lay in bed just thinking about how much I miss her sleeping next to me. I know I need more time and I'm looking forward to getting out of town on my trip at the end of March.

I think the alcohol releases the inhibitions I have about thinking about her. When I am fully alert I realize that we aren't right for each other and that this separation is the best thing for both of us. I do hope she's doing okay. Even though deep down inside, I hope she's hurting at least a little bit about me. It seems only fair...