I don't know why, but I'm having a specially hard time thinking about Lidia. I even went to an old photo site and looked at some vacation pics. That was definitely a bad idea.

I left work early to have lunch at home and I so wanted to drive by Lidia's Massage Envy shop but I at least controlled myself then. I feel so weak sometimes, like it's just a matter of time before I collapse and do something foolish. It's far too late for any dramatic gestures, in any event. I still feel like a total mess!

So, all this stupid thinking is just making me sadder. I just can't stop thinking about Lidia and what if we could have made it work with a little more effort on my part, at least. I know I wasn't completely to blame for our problems but I feel like I should have done more! Maybe given her more time like she kept asking for. I don't know! I don't really think it would have made any difference. We weren't getting closer, that's for sure. It was just a matter of time. We were certainly getting tired of each other. So, why do I miss her so??

I so badly want to talk to her to ask her to be truthful about so many unanswered questions. Especially about her first husband Ed. I know she was trying to get back with him when he got in touch with her a few months after we moved in together. What happened with her and Eric that time we first really broke up. She was gone overnight that time too. That time she called me later the next day crying and begging to come home. She promised that things would be different and she would try harder. It never happened! I won't let myself call her or contact her in any way. I can't!

I think this was brought on by talking to my friend Noel from Los Angeles. I've always had such a crush on her and I even took her out last year when Lidia and were on a break. The bad part with Noel is that she is even more uptight about sex than Lidia. That goes double for her with oral sex. She thinks it's completely disgusting.

We've been in touch quite a bit since my most recent break and we had a really great time when I was in L.A. for Vanessa's baby shower. I know it could never work between us but it was nice to think about maybe bringing her out of her shell, kind of like I wished would have happened with Lidia. We exchanged a few emails this morning and agreed that we would never work as a couple. I felt sad about this. She's such a nice person. If only she would loosen up a bit. Okay, loosen up a whole lot!

Now I'm trying to see where these feelings are coming from. The main thing I feel is fear. I fear of being alone right now. I fear getting involved with someone new, just to be hurt all over again. I worry about having sex with someone new. I fear that even though I think I'm doing all the right things to get over her, it's not working. I want to ask her if she's seeing someone. That would sure put some "closer" to our relationship. I still need more help to get through this I think.