I went back to my "T/A" class last night. Therese was there and she had styled her hair differently. She really looked good and I told her so. Now, of course, she doesn't seem at all interested in me. Oh well, I guess I can't blame her as I often speak about my lingering feeling for my ex in class. That's got to be quite the turn off.

I'm still having a hard time swallowing all the stuff that Dr. Nichol says in class. He invited a woman from his group therapy to speak to us. She's been seeing him professionally for over 18 years! Holy shit, that's a long time to be in therapy! I don't think she's still in therapy as she mentioned she's know the Doc for over 23 years but still!

So, she watched us all speak and then Dr. Nichol had her describe what "scripts" she thought we were operating under. Apparently, I have 2 major scripts: Please Others and Be Perfect. this whole aspect of scripts seems overly broad to me. I was reminded of horoscopes and how each one can describe different aspects of the same person. It all seems a bit to non-specific for me.

When we talked about the "Games" people play, I felt a shock of recognition. Lidia and I would play "If only you would..." This meant that when I would break up with her, I would often add that we could work it out "if only she would do this or that!" She would then always promise to change or try harder and we would reconcile. Then a few months later, when nothing had changed for me, I would start the game all over again, with the same outcome. I realized that this class did add to my self-discovery. I am gaining new insight. I keep repeating the same ineffective patterns in ways I hadn't even thought of. I truly want to stop!

Dr. Nichol asked me to bring a description of what I want in a woman to our next class. Luckily, I have the beginnings of that in a file I wrote for my therapist. I pretty much described a woman who is not all like Lidia. Now, however, I am having second thoughts about this. I am thinking that it may be healthier for me to become "happily single," rather than trying to find my next girlfriend right away.

I feel some fear in this because I know Lidia is probably desperate to get into a new relationship. I know she did that last year when we seemed to break it off for certain. I know it's irrational to expect life to be fair but it does feel unfair that I'm going through all this inner turmoil and consciously avoiding a new relationship but she's likely not. I'm sure she's hurting inside but she's probably easing that hurt in the arms of someone new. I know that she wanted to remarry very much and I pretty much did not. Since I care for her very much, the best thing to do is to let her go to find what she really wants. Now, I can discover what I truly want!

I got yet another book on REBT by Albert Ellis. It's an updated edition of "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything. Yes Anything." The pub date is 2006, so I hope it's even more effective than his earlier books. I just can't imagine working many years with "T/A" to get to a point where I'm mostly happy again. I want to feel better now!