Damn it, I did it again. I relapsed big time this past Sunday. I went to the Superbowl party looking to have a good time and meet some new people but instead I got pretty drunk. I even got into an argument about religion vs. atheism with the hostess. I totally made a fool of myself. She realized how drunk I was and told me that we could talk about it again when I wasn't so drunk.

My big concern is that I stupidly drove home in that condition. That nothing happened just shows how lucky I was that traffic was light and I didn't go by any cops. I was pretty drunk and I would have been busted under the extreme DUI charge, I'm sure.

I can not do this again! So, once again, I am going to give it up. I'm going to completely stop drinking. This means no mixed drinks, no wine and especially no beer. I hope I can recover my reputation among the people who saw me or heard me at the party. What I need to do is go to more parties and remain stone cold sober.

It's funny too that my first event for the belly dancing dinner went pretty well too. I had 1 glass of wine and 1 shot of Raki. I didn't get drunk at all and I felt relaxed enough to really enjoy myself.

Now, I feel once again that I really miss Lidia. I know my drinking was a big part of why we couldn't make it work out. I sort of feel that if I'm really going to give it up that I should get back with her again. I know that's stupid though and I'm really just feeling sorry for myself. I want her back to take care of me again, then, most likely, in a few months I would get frustrated with all our incompatibilities and want to break up again.

I feel like a pathetic loser right now!

I have to take my life in my own hands. Getting back with Lidia would be wrong because it would just be perpetuating my passivity when it comes to relationships. Lidia pursued me and even though I feel we weren't compatible I went along with her. I will not be passive anymore.