I've been sad that last couple of days. I think much of it is due to jealousy. I think that Lidia is already seeing someone else and that she's got a big romantic date coming up for Valentine's day. I know life isn't fair but I still feel cheated that I have strong feelings for her still and I imagine that she's jumping into a new relationship right away in an effort to get over me.

I guess I'm feeling a bit frustrated too that I am taking this time to learn more about myself and to try and change my behaviors so that I can recognize when a person is wrong or right for me with out spending a lot of time and emotional investment in a relationship with that person. It would be so much easier to just give in to my pain and contact Lidia and trade it all in for a different kind of pain. Not a good option, I must admit. I fantasize that she would be different if I was different but of course, she wouldn't be different, why should she?

I remember that she would sometimes mention her boss Allison and Allison's husband bill. She said that they were on the verge of a divorce and that they had separated for almost a year. She said Bill was diagnosed with ADD and went on medication and after that, he and Allison got back together. I wonder if she fantasizes that we will get back together in the future? Would she let that interfere with establishing a new relationship in the meantime? It might make things worse for her I think. I often felt, after reading one of her emails, that she was still hoping that either one of her ex-husbands would want to reconcile. I know a person can have feelings for than one significant other but I felt, early on, that if, say Ed, asked her to get back together that she would drop me like a ton of bricks.

So now, when I realize that a person is not right for me, I want to be able to exit the relationship with a minimum of negative feelings. My worry is that I won't be able to date someone so casually. My emotions are always near the surface and they can be so strong at times. I also feel that dating a lot of people means that a guy is a "player," with a lot of negative connotations involved. I've been through many break-ups and I think I can say that this one is not the worst but it's certainly up there in the top 5.

Well at least I have something to do this Wednesday. I am meeting Therese for sushi. She's a very nice woman but she has self-acceptance issues that go way beyond mine, I think. She said in class that she feels unlovable. We were all shocked. Therese is a smart, attractive woman, (well except for her hair) we couldn't understand how she could think that. She did elaborate about how her parents wanted her to fail and that as a result she felt unloved and unwanted. It is more evidence how much our childhood affects our adult lives.