I'm feeling extra sad today. I feel ready to cry at any moment. I guess it has to do with my reading of some of Lidia's divorce decree. I felt so bad for her, even though the divorce was amicable, it is clear that she was totally overwhelmed by the whole process and that she still held out hope for a reconciliation. I need to consider that it was over 6 years ago but it still makes feel worse for all the crap I put her through. I miss her very much right now.

Again, I think that I stuck it out in this relationship far longer than I should have because I didn't want to experience all these negative feelings again. This was not fair to Lidia either. Even though I know I'll be feeling normal in time, right now it feels awful. I keep thinking about her too much and I need to find a way to channel my feelings into constructive outlets.

This is a definite pattern here in my love life. I meet someone I think I'll like. Then generally, we progress to intimacy too soon. I try to keep my feelings in check but that never works. Eventually, I become conflicted with the relationship. I start exhibiting bad behaviors, usually when drinking, but mostly out of frustration and possibly in an attempt to get my girlfriend to want to break up. We finally breakup and I feel like shit. Wait a couple of months then do it all over again! (I feel like Sisyphus but relationships are my rocks.)

I also think it's harder for me now because I don't have much of a social support group to rely on. At least I started trying to reconnect with people that I hadn't talked to in a while. Mary Ann is definitely supportive but she keeps hinting at getting back together with me and that just ain't going to happen. I even contacted Samantha but she was very standoffish. It seems she moved in with her boyfriend and I get the feeling that she won't renew our friendship because her boyfriend wouldn't like it. She has had relationship issue even tougher than mine...