I've finally thought of something to tell my "child."

'It's okay to cry if you feel like crying. (In an appropriate setting, of course.) There's no shame in shedding tears of sadness. If anything it's good for you. Let it out. The more you try to keep it in, the more it's going build up inside you until it feels like you're going to weep at the drop of a hat. You'll feel better if you can let it all out.'

'It's going to be okay. I promise! Everything is going to be okay, just hang in there.'

I hope this helps because I HAVE tried to cry. Sometimes when I'm at home alone and I start feeling sad, I grab some tissue in expectation of tears. Then, I shed a few. Maybe a few sobs too but then I seem to dry right up but still feeling sad. I can't tell if it's because I'm inhibited about crying or that I'm seriously overstating my feelings. I AM sad but maybe not as sad as I think I am. This is a weird thought.

Am I wallowing in self pity as a way of avoiding the work I need to do to improve myself? No that's not it. I think maybe I'm punishing myself over my guilt of not ending it when I first tried and for the way I treated Lidia sometimes. I am making myself feel worse on purpose and now I can try and stop it, I guess.