I took Mary Ann out for dinner last night. I wanted to go someplace nice so I took her to the Capital Grille. It was very good but they charred my steak a little too much. She again came on strong when we got back to my place. She tried to french kiss me again.

The bad part is that Lidia called me back and got upset that I basically called her a liar about her car getting hit. She was right to be upset. I should not have called her out like that. I did feel that she was being manipulative. When I read her emails it seemed like a big accident but when I went to see the car I could not even see a scratch.

This is the pattern of our entire relationship in miniature. So now according to this pattern I feel I should apologize. I do still care for her but I think that the major feeling of neediness is really receding. I am feeling sad right now but it's not as strong as it was even a week or so ago. I feel really stupid getting all worked up about her again. Even if I got back with her, everything would be exactly the same. I haven't changed anywhere near enough to handle the frustration I feel. I still need to work on myself before I can meet someone who I can truly love.

I so want to move past all this but there's something there that still wants to get back with her. I sort of feel that she's reaching out to me and when it seems she's not I get upset. When I called her the first time, I asked if she wanted to meet face to face. She said that she has plans for today with her friend Celia. I felt rejected. Why do I do this to myself? I just need to hold on to the feeling that my feelings for her ARE fading.

We must both be dancing around our emotions here. She may or may not want to reconcile or she's just keeping in touch to get the rest of her stuff. She signed off in her email as "Your friend always" and that may be all she feels for me now. That would be OK. I am NOT the right guy for her. She deserves better than they way I treat her, even now...