I am totally nervous about my date with Elaine tonight. I think I got it into my head that we're going to have sex soon. I even went out to buy a box of condoms this morning. I'm not sure if I'm going to carry any with me but it's smart of me to have some on hand, just in case. I DO so want to make love to her!

My problem is that I'm not sure if I'm ready to have sex with her yet. I'll admit that I really like her and she's very pretty but I'm very worried that I won't be able to perform well and break down and try to explain why I'm having issues. I don't think the time is right to tell her about my ex right now since I'm still not over her emotionally.

I also worry what I may discover about Elaine when we get intimate. It would totally suck if she had issues with sex. I guess it would be good to find that out earlier rather than later, though. If it's something that I feel is a total deal breaker I could talk to her about it and we could decide what to do or I could make a unilateral decision to end it if it came to that. I want to stop looking for problems before I have any information on whether there will be any! I want to take this new relationship one date at a time. To let it progress at it's own pace. What's so damn hard about this?

I am also wondering how Elaine feels toward me. I wonder if I'm moving to slowly for her. I do think that she needs quite a bit of her own space. I can imagine that she's got a lot on her mind with the break up of her daughter with her fiance. I'm guessing she's spending a lot of mental energy trying to help her daughter get through that drama. I hope I can provide a welcome distraction at the very least.

And of course still (ugh STILL!) I feel the little boy inside myself that just wants to get back together with Lidia. He's a little boy but he's also older. I feel like when I broke up with Erin in my early 20s. I did the exact same thing. We would break up and I would feel so shitty that I would ask her back then it would last a few months and our incompatibilities would drive me crazy and I would break up. Again and again. It finally ended when she started going out with someone else. I once again, asked her back but she told me no. I even saw her almost everyday as we working together.

What I need to hold on to is that I got over that and I'll get over this! Back then it was even harder as I was young and dumb but now I'm old and dumb! Hey that's an irrational belief right there. It doesn't HAVE to be easier now. There's no reason for it to be easier. It may even be harder now! But I can get through it and past it!