I must like to torture myself. I must like to feel like shit.

I just spoke to Lidia at length. I wanted to know when and how she was going to pick up that last of her stuff. I am still torn up about her deep inside. I still have strong feelings for her. Wow, I check my phone log and we talked for almost half an hour. I just don't know what I want to say to her. I do want her back and of course I also don't.

She's already in a new relationship. It's with the guy Will that she went out with for New Year's eve. I knew that they were more than friends. She has no problem withholding the truth if she thinks it'll cause an argument or make her look bad. This all means she was dating him when she was still living here with me. A clear violation of our agreement! I bet that she threw herself at him like she did with me and Scott! I am pretty sure they slept together over the New Year holiday. I thought I could smell it on her bed linens. (Yes, YUCK, I know. And I know it was un-cool of me to check for that. But she was moving into her new place and I had to grab the blanket off of it and I noticed it then.)

She says that he's pretty independent and that he's got his own life. She said that they mostly date on weekends because she's working close to 7 days a week again. He goes out of town to run in races but Lidia doesn't go because she works so much. She says that he's a really nice guy but that she's not sure if he's the one. But I do wonder if she's really moving in with him and not her co-worker like she said. It'll be good for me to NOT know where she lives. It's bad enough that she works close by.

She did say that when we first went out she thought I was the one. Just like my therapist said. How about that? I did start rehashing the past and it got her a bit riled up.

She also pretty much blamed me for our relationship being so bad and eventually ending. She blamed my drinking for most of it. This does make me feel bad. I do sometimes think I have a drinking problem but I'd rather keep drinking than quit. I guess, for me, I only lose control sometimes and so I think I can handle it. That's kind of stupid because I sometimes drink and drive and if I ever got caught that would fuck up my life big time!

Maybe this is my wake up call. I can't get Lidia back but I can start living my life right. I can start growing up, finally. So the next time I meet someone who I can really live with, I won't mess it up. Just stop drinking, at least for awhile. I know I can do that. I've done it before. I've gone at least 3 months with not a drop. But I SO want a glass or two of wine right now.

All in all knowing that she's seeing someone is good for me to get over her. This last hurdle of getting her stuff out of here will put the final touch on the ending of this chapter of my life. There'll be much less of any chance of meeting her and her new bf. I did tell her that I asked Ward to remove her from his email list. She thought that Ward was mad at he for some reason.

I do feel sad and, yes, a little weepy. There was potential there. I am sad for what could have been if we had done things better way at the beginning. I hope she can be happy. I know I can be happy, just not right now. It's okay. I am feeling better. I miss her still but I am going to be better off in the long run. She kept telling me that she's moved on, of course she's moved on it's pretty easy to forget your old relationship when you're already in a new one.

I probably shouldn't be too hard on her for that. Some of the stuff I've read about getting over a relationship is get into a new one. I know there's a lot of concern for a "rebound" relationship. That hey never last but that's really not necessarily true. The reputable literature usually suggests a "rebound" relationship as OK as long as you realize that you still need time to heal. And honestly, I would be doing the same thing with Elaine or even Julie. I don't know if I could have kept it casual. But now that I know she's already doing it I can try and relax and not be desperate to get into another relationship right away.

Again I am reminded how much this feel like breaking up with Erin back when I was 24. We would break up and reunite but we only went out about 2 years. I just couldn't let her go until I found out that she was dating someone else. She eventually went on to marry her new boyfriend. They had kids together was the last thing I remember hearing about her so long ago.

As much as this is a final sort of ending. I do have a feeling that in a few months she'll be single again and then look me up. I wonder if I'll be strong enough to keep away. I don't think I can be friends with her any time soon, if at all. Although I did feel this way about Mary Ann too, maybe not as strongly since we weren't together as long, and now we're friends. But to be honest, we're probably only friends because Mary Ann wants me back.

This clears up some of the mystery early on in our break up. I would want to get together in person to talk but she would always put me off. It was because she was already with someone else and she didn't want to lead me on or she didn't want to be tempted to reunite. That was probably a fortuitous situation for both of us. I do wish she had told me the truth early on. It really would have helped me to get over her a little faster. Also, I always have this burning desire to KNOW things. It's what makes me so good at finding things out. It's why I found out a lot of things when I was with Lidia.

I figure the next couple of days are going to be rough but I'll get through them and be stronger on the other side. But my main worry is that I did totally blow it with her and that she did really did think I was the one. I think "what if" and that we could have something really great. She said that, at the beginning, she did want to grow with me, sexually. But I must say that early on she balked at even something so relatively tame as lingerie. (Ugh, I bet she's really giving it up to Will.)

Or maybe not. Love isn't necessarily joined with happiness. She was so fucking passive aggressive that we couldn't work things out if we couldn't discuss them and when I tried to discuss them she accused me of putting too much pressure on her or not giving her enough time. But again, she's very good at spinning her explanations so she's the victim. If I was that bad why the fuck did she always come back when I first tried to break up.

I don't know what to think except that it really is over. I am sad about that but soon I think, I'll start to feel relieved. My friend Carmen is talking to me about unconditional love and I said that that is what Lidia wanted more than anything. I told her that I really didn't believe in that but maybe Lidia had that for me. After all we would still be together if I hadn't broken it off. Maybe I am the one who is deficient. Well it's something to think about and maybe something that I can change in the future,