Well, I was going to start making excuses for her because, maybe, a lot of what she does is unintentional. So to be angry at her would be like getting angry at termites for eating your house. It's what they do! But that means I must do something too. You can't just let them keep eating your house. That's crazy!

That's why she keeps dangling the promise of passionate sex in front of me. It's her best tool to get me to do what she wants. She may be clueless about many things but emotional manipulation is her best skill. She's an Evil Genius in that category. My problem is that I keep falling for it. It works on me. But, I really can't fault myself for that. I mean, it's a good thing when you want to make passionate love to the woman you love!

Then I got to thinking about what she said when we talked about how the last couple of months of our relationship were pretty crazy. Maybe they were crazy for her but not for me. I got to thinking about that blatant lie she told about getting a massage. I really let her off the hook on that one. I WANTED to believe her.

Now, I realize that it probably wasn't as harmless as I tried to convince myself it was. I bet, again with not much evidence, that she cheated on me. It was probably with Will too. Fuck you for that too, you lying piece of shit!

She's a cheater and a liar and I am much better off without her in my life. I'm hurting again for lots of reasons, one being that I still miss her, but it's getting better and better and I just need more time.

She's fucking with me by keeping in contact. I told her no contact unless it's an emergency. Like getting a fucking copy of that CD was an emergency? Then when I ask to meet face to face she blows me off! It's lucky that we didn't meet though, I would have probably asked her if we could start dating. She suggested that we could date even after she moved out. But that turned into bullshit too. She was already fucking someone by the time she started contacting me.

Of course, she's moving on. That's a lot easier when you're already in another relationship. Even if it's not what you really want. This is something I really can't blame her for though. I would be doing the same thing if things with Elaine had gone differently but then I wouldn't be sending her messages! The fucking BITCH!

I'm being too hard on myself. I can't just get rid of the positive feelings I still have for her by being angry at her. The anger is good to express, to validate that it exists with me and that I am fully justified in feeling it. The same goes for the love I still have for her and guilt I have at the way I treated her sometimes and the grief I have at the death of our relationship.

I so want to keep confronting her about the shit she lied to me about, especially what happened over New Year's and where she was when she was supposed to be getting that massage. It really pisses me off that she could do those things to me. I would have thought she wouldn't do that shit because of how she felt when it was done to her! I so want to know the truth but I never will. She'll just keep lying and denying and there's nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to make her tell me the truth.

I just have to be strong. I will not reply to any of her messages except maybe to tell her to leave me alone. It's hard for me because I still love her but it's the only thing I can do. Just like breaking up with her was the only thing I could do given where we were going and how we were treating each other. She's an asshole for trying to just stick it out. But then again at the end she was really pushing me away in her usual passive aggressive manner. She wanted to get caught lying and cheating. Fuck her!