Here I am playing armchair psychiatrist. This is about Lidia's statement that she wanted to grow with me sexually but that when her needs weren't met she couldn't really do it. She actually put it something more like "passionate sex." I'm writing about this because when we talked a couple of days ago, she again dangled the promise of passionate sex in front of me. I am very vulnerable to this tactic too!

First of all, I'm sure she was totally sincere about wanting to have "passionate sex" with me. What I think is that she doesn't realize that her needs will probably never be met adequately enough for this to happen. What I mean is that when we first got together and I explained how I would like our sex life to be, she was all for it. When the time came for her to live up to her words, she found any excuse to avoid actually doing anything about it. How could I ever meet her need for commitment if that meant marriage? We hadn't known each other long enough to make that sort of decision.

I need to watch myself from getting drawn back in to all this manipulation. I feel a strong urge to email her and point out the progression of the decline of our sex life and that it was mostly due to her. I will admit that when my frustration got the better of me I would turn into quite an asshole towards her. Again, I'm sure she was sincere that she wanted to try and work it out, but there's something in her messed up head that was getting in the way.

This seems evident from all the things that happened during the course of our relationship. She was, at first, vehemently opposed to sexy lingerie. Damn, that's a very mild kink too. She didn't want to kiss in the morning because of "morning breath." Then she didn't want to french kiss, "it's like sticking a piece of liver in your mouth!" Then she told me I was wasting my time fondling her breasts, it didn't "do" anything for her and so on and so on. Instead of expanding, our sexual repertoire was shrinking! That's pretty fucked up.

When I tried asking her what could we do to make it better, her reasons kept changing depending on what the issue was at the time. At first, it was that she just needed more time. Then she was too tired from working so much. Then her body ached too much. Then I was pressuring her too much. Then I was drinking too much. Then she didn't have enough security or commitment in our relationship and then there were others that I'm sure I have forgotten. I'm sure she would have thought up even more reasons why she wasn't motivated as time went on. She sure was getting good at finding them.

It was always something and it would always be something. She just wasn't interested enough in sex to work on this issue. She knew it was important to me so she sincerely wanted to try but it wasn't a big deal for her so why not use it to get all the things she really craved?

I'm sure she saw that I would pretty much do what she asked if she would promise to work on it but then she wouldn't work on it or she would mostly, just go through the motions. I figure she was torn, she wanted to please me sexually but doing it this way was dirty and perverted. She would much rather have cooked me a nice dinner, I think. Or maybe, she just wasn't into it much at all but she had to do it to keep the relationship going. That may be more likely, unfortunately, since she's sleeping with her new boyfriend even though she told me they may never marry and he's not there for her as much as she wants! So, they're probably not having passionate sex either or all her reasons are just manipulative bullshit!

I don't think I, or anyone for that matter, could ever satisfy her needs enough to make her feel secure. That kind of security must come from within. At least she hinted in her last email to me that she is feeling more secure, or in control of her life, but then she also laments that she is living under somebody elses roof. (I do wonder if it's really with Shauna, though.)

Maybe there's some hope for her. I truly do wish her the best. I have expressed a lot of anger towards her but she is, without doubt, a good person who deserves to be happy. As do I!